“Each of us is a worthy piece of the puzzle; interacting with an endless number of other pieces with individual shapes, we succeed in drawing the life”
I remember this feeling so long time ago, in my childhood, when I suffered my difference from the others. Being a teenager, I could hardly understand the reason why. I was sure I never did that purposefully. I saw things and felt emotions in my own way, not because I wanted to do that different way from the others, but that was true to me. Others treated me like a stranger, not like an equal, or a buddy, and hardly accepted me. I have always had values, interests, and hobbies, which differed from my allies, but I succeeded the same fields they did, and even bet out most of them.
“You must do the same as others do”, had never served me a motivation to encourage. I never tried to do anything in spite of others, but I performed the best I could. I grow up. Others did the same, or not the same, but they are adults as well, now. Probably because of the unacceptance, I grew up faster, I do not know. The truth is that for now, I feel like lagging behind others because of my interests, beliefs, values, and the very essence I am differs from the quorum drastically. Nothing has changed for me since I attended the school, I am still different from the others. Today, I feel like then, back in the time, again. In some kind of deja-vu, but in reverse dimension of that. Wherever I go to — everyone tries to express himself in most different ways. They change their lives and existence in regards to confirming and showing others their difference and uniqueness from each to another while performing crazy things or turning themselves public. Even food on the plate they are going to have for lunch turns into an evidence for their being different. Would any of them, see a difference in the core of things or feelings, more than flat or oval, yes or no? How many people have their own ideas and dreams, but not from books or read in some forum, heard from others, or followed in a reality show? The secret dream, the real one, they own. They create values overnight and pretend to be a guru. They are experts in the absolutely different field, following diametrically other values and principles within some few moments after. They promote the truth of the white on Monday, but then they switch and are the promoters of the green on a next Tuesday. How many of them realize who they are and have a healthy self-confidence and resilience without likes and shares? What happens when they get under-liked like they expected? When you tend to be different, be ready to stand alone, unaccepted, denied and hated. How can you be different, when you strive to be like 100 units of money, which is admired by everyone on this planet? What is the difference when you look at 10 hundred money pieces? Serial numbers, maybe the signature of an issuer, some details of the design, but they all are the same — 100. They will always be the same. There is no different or unique 100 banknote. The most important part is, that everyone is an individuality, personality and different, actually. Each of us begins from the inside, not from the out. You may play any role, what others want to see you be, but at the end of the day, you are only yourself. I have come to the fundamental conclusion — I must learn to accept myself, continue study of exploring, tolerating myself with all my power and weakness, but not go the pass of changing myself to be like others expect, like they would want me to be, or be different from others on purpose. My general task is to be myself. But at the same time, I have realized that this is the hardest challenge possible. Harder, I believe would be only to learn true love for myself. And again, at the end of this day, I am different, alone, and a stranger, an absolute freak on the stage of some mystery play. I wish I knew what is the reason, finally, but there is no one able to tell me the secret. Is that karma, fate, lottery, gift, the hell, or just a joke? I never ask the question “why”, because I realize that is my own responsibility to find the reason and the answer, but I am trying to understand this “WHAT”, what is that’s actual meaning. I am following my pass with many efforts daily, I am studying and experiencing the new, whatever the next day gifts me. I’m succeeding and I’m failing hard. Not all presents I am delivered by my fate are nice.