So talk about how you feel, not about the things he does. It will be way more effective. I promise!
#4 – I will listen.
This is so important. You need to be very careful to listen to what you are hearing back from the person with whom you are talking. Not only could you get some valuable information but, by letting them know that you are paying attention, you will be more likely to get the outcome that you seek, namely sticking up for yourself successfully.
Try reflective listening. Many people find it difficult but it really works. After they speak say “I hear you saying that….and I get it.” Words that will allow them to feel heard, validated and empathized with. Often, all people want to be is heard and not feeling so makes them angry and makes them shut down or storm off.
And if your person gets angry and storms off you are way more likely to capitulate and not speak up for yourself, to be less assertive and end up unhappy. Again.
#5 – I will feel confident.
I know this conversation tonight with my boyfriend seems to like it might be the end of the world but really, no matter what, it’s all going to be okay.
I always tell my clients to consider “what is the worst that can happen?”
For me, I know that the worse that could happen would be the death of my child. That I don’t think I could survive. But you know what? I probably could. Regardless, that won’t happen tonight, because of this conversation.
So, yes, a conversation might bring about pain and discomfort and maybe even produce some short, or long, term effects but really, everyone is going to be okay.
You will be especially ok if you speak up for what you want and need. Imagine how that would feel, knowing that you have been heard, as opposed to how it would feel, walking away, feeling like you let yourself down again.
It is an excellent skill to have – to speak up for yourself and get what you want.
Asking for what you want can be difficult but doing so is necessary.
Now that I am done worrying about possible outcomes I have my list of things I want to address and am going to do so carefully and with love.
And while there might be some tears and discomfort, I know that, really, everything is going to be okay. If I can speak up for myself, be more assertive, that, ultimately, I will be happier. We will still love each other and that life will go on.
I can do this. And you can too!
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