How To Shut Down Narcissist Manipulation For Good

 / 

,
shut down narcissist manipulation

When you want to shut down a narcissist, you need to act tactfully and must remain two steps ahead of the narcissist at all times. You need to have a proper strategy for dealing with their narcissist manipulation and must be proactive instead of being reactive.

When dealing with a narcissist, if you ever become emotionally invested then you will step right into their trap. They will suck you into the narcissistic black hole that will leave you feeling hurt, humiliated, confused, and doubting yourself.

In this post, Iโ€™m going to be talking about narcissist manipulation in relationships and in the workplace. Iโ€™ll also tell you how to shut down a narcissist and disentangle yourself from them. More importantly, how to stop attracting them in the first place.

When we talk about narcissists there are many traits they have in common.

1. They can be extremely charming and charismatic.

2. Theyโ€™re very self-obsessed.

3. They are compulsive liars.

4. They donโ€™t take responsibility for their actions.

5. They can be parasitic fearless and intimidating.

6. They are arch emotional manipulators and they lack empathy or any remorse or feelings of guilt.

7. They can be callous, impulsive, vindictive and aggressive.

8. When you look at the differences between them and others, we talk a lot about a narcissistโ€™s lack of empathy.

9. They do have a form of empathy.

Related: Micromanipulation: How Narcissists Use This As A Method of Control

Cognitive Empathy & Emotional Empathy

โ€œA narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. They will be offended by the truth. But what is done in the dark will come to light. Time has a way of showing peopleโ€™s true colors.โ€ – Karla Grimes

There are two types of empathy: Cognitive Empathy and Emotional Empathy.

When weโ€™re born we donโ€™t have any of the neurons connected with these in our brains. If you are whatโ€™s known as an Empath, by the age of around four years old youโ€™ll have a whole bundle of them.

Empath Definition: what is it?

Empaths grow up to not only have Cognitive Empathy โ€“ which is the basic, instinctive emotions like lust, anger, fear, or sexual impulses. But they also have Emotional Empathy โ€“ which allows you to translate those base emotions to more appropriate feelings.

For example, base sexual impulses can become a deeper form of love, anger can be tempered. The rational, adult feelings and side of our brain can override those basic instincts. We often think that narcissists donโ€™t have any empathy, but I want to clarify this further.

Narcissists have Cognitive Empathy. But they lack Emotional Empathy.

They may know they are different from other people. They can see that other people feel feelings, for example when they see a tragic event on TV.

Empaths

If an Empath is watching, they will feel the victimโ€™s or other personโ€™s pain. A narcissist can see Empaths can relate to othersโ€™ feelings as their own.

The difference is they canโ€™t. So they have to mimic it. They are brilliant at observing and reading people almost instantaneously. They are way better at it than us Empaths. If youโ€™re sad they canโ€™t feel what that feels like to feel your sadness. But they can observe you and then mirror it back to you. They act as though they feel those feelings but they donโ€™t.

When you first meet a narcissist they are absolutely charming. Theyโ€™re the best thing youโ€™ve ever met in your life. They think as you do, act as you do, speak as you do. They like the same things that you do because they study you.

Mirroring

They observe you and they mirror you. They basically reflect you back to yourself. Who you are and your ideal, dream person they have deciphered you want them to be. Essentially they are reflecting your own fantasy back to you.

They put on a mask and that mask is a reflection, a mirror of you. Your desires, your needs. Thatโ€™s why we are convinced weโ€™ve found The One. Our perfect partner. You are swept off your feet.

โ€œNobody can be kinder than the narcissist while you react to life on his terms.โ€ – Elizabeth Bowen

Related: 5 Emotional Manipulation Tactics Covert Narcissists Use To Trap You In A Relationship

Narcissists At Work

This doesnโ€™t just apply to relationships. It could be someone you interview for a job at your work. Theyโ€™re brilliant in interviews because of how quickly they can read people. They tell you exactly what you want to hear.

Toxic Workplace

Narcissist bosses are a nightmare to work with. Youโ€™ll spot one by all those around them.

A harmonious workplace is one in which a boss fosters a community and you all lift each other and the company up as a whole.

A narcissist boss will do the opposite and be at the center of a toxic workplace. Theyโ€™ll play favorites and then rotate to different favorites, who are the best thing since sliced bread, whilst the others in their eyes are losers. Theyโ€™ll pit one person against the other. For example, theyโ€™ll tell you that Henry thinks this about you or Mary thinks youโ€™re that. So, you start distrusting your colleagues, unsure of what they might say to the boss.

You all live in fear and keep your head down. You donโ€™t want to get noticed because the other thing your boss may do is a public tearing down of you. This is where they ridicule you or make an example of you in front of all your colleagues. As I said working for a narcissistic boss and in a toxic workplace is a nightmare.

Theyโ€™re also rubbish at strategy as they live moment to moment. Whatever their latest grand idea is, that will be the plan and youโ€™ll all have to scramble around trying to make it work before they pivot to their latest of-the-moment idea. If they themselves have a boss above them they manage up brilliantly.

Theyโ€™re charming and give off the impression that all the people working under them are useless and if not for them saving the day it would be a disaster. The best thing to do if youโ€™re unhappy in this toxic work environment is to leave the company.

However, there is one caveat to that.

Narcissist Smear Campaign

โ€œThe narcissist devours people, consumes their output, and casts the empty, writhing shells aside.โ€ – Sam Vaknin

You need to be careful because narcissists and psychopathic type people can be very vindictive and vengeful. They can turn on you and smear your reputation. They may even take a legal stance against you in an effort to win at all costs, which is their ultimate aim.

Be careful as you disentangle yourself not to get them offside. Plan your exit. Be the perfect employee. Keep your head down. Try to engage with them as little as possible and if you have to always stick to facts. Donโ€™t have any emotion in anything you do or say. If youโ€™re given instructions by them, always confirm it in writing.

If they ask you to do X and Y by this date, then email them to confirm that this is what they have asked you to do: X or Y by this date. Keep written records of everything in case you might need it later. If youโ€™re going off to have job interviews do not get caught by them. Do not let them know youโ€™re looking elsewhere and be the perfect, polite, respectful employee.

Flatter them even because theyโ€™re self-obsessed and fall easily for flattery. Keep your enemy close. When you leave if you can make it as though itโ€™s their idea, youโ€™re doing them a favor. Youโ€™re not inflicting a wound to their ego.

Related: The Bully Narcissist At Work: A Toolbox For Coping

Narcissist Relationship Patterns

โ€œRelationship with a narcissist in a nutshell: You will go from being the perfect love of their life to nothing you do is ever good enough. You will give your everything and they will take it all and give you less and less in return. You will end up depleted, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and probably financially, and then get blamed for it.โ€ – Bree Bonchay

Letโ€™s look at narcissistic manipulation with intimate partners and narcissist relationship patterns.

  • The same thing applies when you first meet them.
  • Theyโ€™re charming.
  • They love bomb you and sweep you off your feet.
  • They mirror back to you.
  • What they are doing is studying you, observing you.
  • Theyโ€™re masters of manipulation and we make it really easy for them with our social media.
  • They see what type of friends we like, what makes us happy.
  • They can quickly read how they should act around us and what mask they should wear for you.

Want to know more about narcissist manipulation? Check this video out below!

Narcissist Manipulation

Fantasy bond

They essentially know how to make you fall in love with their version of you. Itโ€™s why it feels so right. In fact, they have probably targeted you like a tiger stalking its prey. Narcissists target people they detect they can manipulate because the ultimate game of a narcissist is to have total control over you. So they feel superior and better about themselves.

You are a possession to them and they believe they are entitled to control you.

Narcissist manipulation
Narcissist manipulation

Coercive control

“Arguing with a narcissist is like getting arrested. Everything you saw can and will be used against you” โ€“ Unknown

They test your boundaries and how much they can manipulate you from the minute you meet them, using manipulative tactics like love bombing and mirroring. Theyโ€™ll test the waters to see whether youโ€™ll tolerate a bit of coercive control. For example, theyโ€™ll tell you they donโ€™t like what youโ€™re wearing and see if you change what youโ€™re wearing for them. Or that they donโ€™t like you doing X or Y to see if you change your behavior when they demand it.

Theyโ€™ll test and see if you are someone they can manipulate. If your boundaries just keep getting pushed down, they know youโ€™re a safe bet. You can be a good narcissistic supply for them. Whether this is for the status you give them, wealth, a place to live, sex, or whatever it is they need.

Related: Manipulation Of The Charming Narcissist

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

They keep this mask and charm offensive up for as long as they feel they need to. For example, if you are still questioning their behavior and unsure. But once they know they have reeled you in and entangled you enough the mask will slip. The relationship will have moved very fast. They may have moved into your place because letโ€™s face it, itโ€™s usually them moving into yours.

Early on theyโ€™ll start to tell you theyโ€™ve hit hard times.

Can I borrow some money?

Only for now, of course, theyโ€™ll pay you back.

Can I move into your apartment?

Can I marry you?

You donโ€™t love me if you donโ€™t trust me enough to have a joint bank account!

The relationship accelerates rapidly. That is all part of the entanglement from which it becomes harder for you to leave them. Once theyโ€™ve got total control and they feel safe and secure the mask comes off.

Remember, they donโ€™t have Emotional Empathy. They have to act as though they have these feelings. So, everything for them is a game. Itโ€™s acting. Itโ€™s a mask. You canโ€™t keep this mask up for very long. Itโ€™s difficult. Especially as they usually have one mask for you and a different one for others. They canโ€™t remember the stories and lies theyโ€™ve told either.

Soon enough, youโ€™ll see the real them. The fantasy man or woman will have largely disappeared, except for when they have to bring them out again to stop you from leaving.

Narcissists canโ€™t control their impulses. They will go into a narcissistic rage if they feel like theyโ€™re losing power over you. In their mind, you and any children you both have are their possessions. They have the right to control you in any way they want. If you donโ€™t behave, say you question their behavior, and try to set boundaries in place โ€“ they will go into a narcissistic rage.

If you say: Iโ€™m going to leave you.

The fear they will feel โ€“ that they are losing control โ€“ will make them extremely angry. They canโ€™t control their basic impulses as we can. There will be two responses: theyโ€™ll either discard you. If they think they are absolutely going to lose control over you, they will dump you before you leave them. Or, theyโ€™ll abuse you.

Use more of those narcissist manipulative tactics to dominate you.

Narcissist manipulation
Narcissist manipulation

Narcissistic Abuse

Emotional abuse can then descend into physical abuse. Ultimately, they may even kill you. What happens to two women every week.

Narcissists give us these hard-luck stories, those โ€˜poor Meโ€™ stories to test who of us will try to rescue them, save them. Give them money, allow them to move in, fall pregnant to them, marry them, or whatever else they want from us. They know we can feel their pain.

We think poor thing. Thatโ€™s awful what theyโ€™ve been through. We believe the fantasy, see the first mask they wore, the actor has conned us. The role they created was just a mirror of us. That was our fantasy and we keep that fantasy in our head even long after theyโ€™ve shown us who they really are.

The bottom line is youโ€™re never going to get that fantasy. They canโ€™t change even if they wanted to because they donโ€™t know how to feel. They have no Cognitive Empathy. They can see other people have those feelings but they canโ€™t feel them themselves. They wonโ€™t change because they believe theyโ€™re superior to us.

Guess what?

They feel superior because they know they can so easily manipulate all of us that do feel like we do. We are the ones whoโ€™ll feel responsible for them, sorry for them, and guilty if we leave them, even after their abuse. Abuse will only get worse.

Plan to leave, but plan to leave safely. Do not tell them: I am leaving you. You could trigger narcissistic rage. As I said, two women get killed every week and that is usually when in the process of leaving or shortly after doing so.

I need to point out here that men are victims too.

Related: 15 Phrases A Narcissist Uses To Compel You To Stay With Them

How To Shut Down A Narcissist?

This applies whether you:

  • Have a child or children with a narcissistic ex.
  • Have a narcissist colleague or boss in a job that you feel unwilling or unable to leave right now. (Although your long-term goal should be to find work in a different company or department).
  • Have narcissist parents or family members who you will have to see occasionally at family events.

Narcissist supply

  • Become a grey rock.
  • Cut off their narcissist supply.
  • So boring to them they get bored with you.

Whilst planning your safe exit, be sure to stay neutral. Try to observe their behavior and see it for what it is. Narcissist manipulation. Charm them, flatter their ego and make them believe you are being compliant with them.

But secretly take notes with times and dates or any unacceptable behavior. Keep a record because you may need this later, as they could start a legal battle, particularly over children. Set up your own bank account, squirrel money away. Find a new place or a shelter that you can escape to. Line up a job if you donโ€™t have one already.

Get help and support. Pack a bag in case you have to leave sooner than expected and please do so if any abuse escalates, especially into physical violence. Store this and any important documents like passports, birth certificates, etc. with a trusted family member or friend that they do not know the address of. Plan to leave safely because they are vengeful and vindictive.

How to shut down a narcissist

โ€œWithhold admiration from a narcissist and be disliked. Give it and be treated with indifference.โ€ – Mason Cooley

Do not let them know that you have one upon them. But plan to get away from them without them finding out. Then if you have to engage with them, disengage as much as you possibly can. If you donโ€™t have children with them or business together, then go cold turkey and cut all contact.

Block them on phones and social media. If you have to deal with them then only deal with them through a third party or on the very factual least-amount-of-words-possible basis. If there are children involved then use another person as the neutral go-between โ€“ a lawyer or trusted family member or friend. If you canโ€™t then donโ€™t engage in any emotional discussion.

Always stick to the facts. I will meet you at this place at this time. I will expect you to return our child this time. Donโ€™t engage in any emotion, whether itโ€™s dealing with a narcissist at work or in a relationship. They will try to press your buttons to make you react emotionally. Because that tells them they still have control.

They will also use whatever you say back at you as a weapon to hurt you. For example, telling other people youโ€™re the crazy one. Try to keep as far away and disengaged from them as you can.

They want to engage you, even negatively, as any engagement means you are still acting as supply to them. The most effective way to disarm a narcissist is to stay detached and disengage with them. Go no contact if possible. Narcissistic people want your attention. They want you to look at them. Then want you to hear them out. They want you to react.

Related: A Mid Range Narcissistโ€™s Manipulation Tactic: โ€œBut I can changeโ€

As long as you give them attention, whether itโ€™s loving or negative, they will be happy. Starve them of your attention and emotional reaction and watch how easily they fizzle out. Going no contact with a narcissist transfers the power into your hands as they will quickly shut down with zero attention from you.

Go grey rock. Disengage.


Written by Vivian McGrath
Originally appeared on Vivian McGrath
shut down a narcissist pin
Narcissist Manipulation: How to shut down a narcissist.
shut down narcissist manipulation pinop
shut down narcissist manipulation pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

The โ€œFalse Selfโ€ Of A Narcissist: Look Beyond The Facade!

Hidden Narcissist False Self: Make Believe Traits in Them

The narcissist false self is charming and confident, masking underlying insecurities and emptiness beneath. Let’s find out other secrets they hide!

Narcissists have a false self. Theyโ€™re master illusionists. They behave like a little king or queenโ€Šโ€”โ€Šwhether bragging or sulking. Their whole personality is a charade crafted to deceive you into believing they are confident, superior, self-sufficient, likable, and caring.

In studies, groups of people met with and liked a narcissist, but after 6 more interviews, they discerned the narcissistโ€™s true nature and changed thei



Up Next

How To Deal With Your Partner’s Obsessive Ex? 4 Tips For Successfully Handling One

Deal With Your Partner's Obsessive Ex: Tips And Tricks

Have you ever had to deal with an obsessive ex? Moreover, have you ever had to deal with your partner’s obsessive and toxic ex? If you have, you already know how disturbing it is to go through this. This article is going to talk about some of the best ways to deal with a toxic ex or deal with your partner’s toxic ex.

My friend is happily married to a man who has a child. He is a devoted and loving father who sought full custody of the children; the court denied his petition.

His two children are living with their narcissistic mother who actively alienates the children from their father. His ex was obsessed with him during their short and turbulent relationship. She was deceitful, abusive, controlling, and highly destructive. They hooked up while drunk.



Up Next

Dog Whistling Narcissist: 8 Ways Narcissists Use This Covert Manipulation Tactic

Dog Whistling Narcissist: Covert Ways They Manipulate You

Have you ever had the feeling that when you are talking to someone, there’s a hidden message they’re trying to get across to you? A message that feels insulting, condescending and hurtful? If you answered yes, then you are dealing with a dog whistling narcissist, my friend.

These people are experts at sending subtle messages that are extremely hurtful and humiliating, but only you understand it, not anyone else. When a narcissist uses dog whistling, their main motive is to manipulate you and keep you under their control. They’ll use it to dominate you, and put you down, while pretending to be harmless.

But what is dog whistling, and how narcissists use dog whistling? Let’s find out, shall we?



Up Next

What Is A Superiority Complex And How To Deal With Someone Who Thinks They Are Better Than You

What Is A Superiority Complex And How To Deal With It

Have you ever met someone who believes they are inherently better than others? Do they constantly exude an air of superiority, belittle others, or dismiss othersโ€™ accomplishments? This is a superiority complex in action. What is a superiority complex?

People who exhibit traits of condescension and arrogance are believed to have a superiority complex, a psychological phenomenon that drives such behavior. Letโ€™s explore the superiority complex in psychology, its signs, causes, and most importantly, how to deal with someone with a superiority complex.

What is a Superiority Complex?

A superiority co



Up Next

What Is A Devouring Mother? Overcoming A Narcissistic Mother’s Toxic Grip

What Is A Devouring Mother? Ways To Overcome Toxicity

Do you feel overwhelmed, smothered, or suffocated by all the love and attention your mother gives you? Perhaps you know people who feel trapped in situations where their motherโ€™s love becomes an all-encompassing affair? This phenomenon is referred to as โ€œThe Devouring Mother Archetype.โ€ Letโ€™s explore what is a devouring mother and how to deal with the devouring mother archetype.

What is a Devouring Mother?

The Freudian devouring mother describes a controlling, overbearing motherly figure hampering a child’s development and independence. It is marked by possessiveness and narcissism.

As the term is not a literal description, a devouring Mother does not mean a mother who consumes her children ph



Up Next

Is It Love Or A Trap? 10 Ominous And Warning Signs Of Love Bombing

Ominous And Warning Signs Of Love Bombing: Love Or Trap?

Have you ever experienced the turbulent side of love, that comes from falling head over heels for someone? The butterflies in your stomach, the passion you feel, and the feeling of being swept off your feet – feels amazing, doesn’t it? But what if I told you that behind this seemingly perfect faรงade lies something dark and sinister? What if I told you these are warning signs of love bombing?

Welcome to the dark world of love bombing; a psychological tactic used by manipulative people to gain control over your mind and heart. In this article, we will talk about what does love bombing mean, and the signs you are being love bombed.

Let’s get started first with what does love bombing mean, shal



Up Next

The Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing: 7 Subtle Signs Of An Altruistic Narcissist

Signs Of An Altruistic Narcissist: Beneath the Kindness

Have you ever met someone who seems super helpful and sweet, but it just doesnโ€™t seem genuine? Well, you might be looking at an altruistic narcissist, and this is one of the many signs of an altruistic narcissist.

You might be confused because when we think of narcissists, we usually think of them as selfish and uncaring. But there is another type of narcissist who does good deeds for a different reason โ€“ they want attention and praise and adulation.

So, without any further delay, let’s get down to knowing more about the altruistic narcissist and their signs. Let’s start with understanding what is an alt