Emotional abuse can then descend into physical abuse. Ultimately, they may even kill you. What happens to two women every week.
Narcissists give us these hard-luck stories, those ‘poor Me’ stories to test who of us will try to rescue them, save them. Give them money, allow them to move in, fall pregnant to them, marry them, or whatever else they want from us. They know we can feel their pain.
We think poor thing. That’s awful what they’ve been through. We believe the fantasy, see the first mask they wore, the actor has conned us. The role they created was just a mirror of us. That was our fantasy and we keep that fantasy in our head even long after they’ve shown us who they really are.
The bottom line is you’re never going to get that fantasy. They can’t change even if they wanted to because they don’t know how to feel. They have no Cognitive Empathy. They can see other people have those feelings but they can’t feel them themselves. They won’t change because they believe they’re superior to us.
They feel superior because they know they can so easily manipulate all of us that do feel like we do. We are the ones who’ll feel responsible for them, sorry for them, and guilty if we leave them, even after their abuse. Abuse will only get worse.
Plan to leave, but plan to leave safely. Do not tell them: I am leaving you. You could trigger narcissistic rage. As I said, two women get killed every week and that is usually when in the process of leaving or shortly after doing so.
I need to point out here that men are victims too.
How To Shut Down A Narcissist?
This applies whether you:
- Have a child or children with a narcissistic ex.
- Have a narcissist colleague or boss in a job that you feel unwilling or unable to leave right now. (Although your long-term goal should be to find work in a different company or department).
- Have narcissist parents or family members who you will have to see occasionally at family events.
- Become a grey rock.
- Cut off their narcissist supply.
- So boring to them they get bored with you.
Whilst planning your safe exit, be sure to stay neutral. Try to observe their behavior and see it for what it is. Narcissist manipulation. Charm them, flatter their ego and make them believe you are being compliant with them.
But secretly take notes with times and dates or any unacceptable behavior. Keep a record because you may need this later, as they could start a legal battle, particularly over children. Set up your own bank account, squirrel money away. Find a new place or a shelter that you can escape to. Line up a job if you don’t have one already.
Get help and support. Pack a bag in case you have to leave sooner than expected and please do so if any abuse escalates, especially into physical violence. Store this and any important documents like passports, birth certificates, etc. with a trusted family member or friend that they do not know the address of. Plan to leave safely because they are vengeful and vindictive.
How to shut down a narcissist
“Withhold admiration from a narcissist and be disliked. Give it and be treated with indifference.” – Mason Cooley
Do not let them know that you have one upon them. But plan to get away from them without them finding out. Then if you have to engage with them, disengage as much as you possibly can. If you don’t have children with them or business together, then go cold turkey and cut all contact.
Block them on phones and social media. If you have to deal with them then only deal with them through a third party or on the very factual least-amount-of-words-possible basis. If there are children involved then use another person as the neutral go-between – a lawyer or trusted family member or friend. If you can’t then don’t engage in any emotional discussion.