How To Choose A Life Partner Wisely

choose a life partner wisely

Understand Yourself To Know What You Want

We give the idea of a ‘soul mate’ more attention than it deserves. What does deserve our attention is the power of our mind to analyze and judge someone based on their behavior and personality.

Psychoanalysis can help us understand why we feel attracted to certain individuals even though they might not be the best option when choosing our life partner. 

Why do we often end up with failed relationships? Psychoanalysis suggests that we don’t always look for the ‘right person’, someone who is caring and loving and has all the ideal traits. Often, we feel attracted to people who feel familiar to us. People who love us the way we know. The way we have been loved since our childhood. {1}

As adults, we look for the same patterns in our relationships that we experienced as children. And this can mean serious trouble for you if you had a troubled childhood filled with neglect and abuse.

“In choosing a partner, always pick the optimist.” – Tony Lema

In love, we do not seek happiness, we only seek reassuring familiarity. In our adult relationships, we strive hard to re-experience the same feelings and emotions that we experienced in our childhood. And it is not always restricted to love, affection and care. Whether your parents were loving and caring or over possessive and restrictive or downright abusive and aggressive, you will subconsciously look for a partner who will recreate the same experiences and emotions you have known as a child.

Ironically, if you had narcissistic and manipulative parents who made you feel insecure and develop low self-esteem, you will feel attracted to a narcissistic romantic partner as an adult instead of someone who is loving and makes you feel confident and secure. For some absurd reason, you will not feel comfortable with someone who is reliable, understanding, mature and balanced as this person will feel alien to you.

In psychoanalysis, this process of seeking familiar romantic partners as mature adults is known as ‘anaclitic object choice’.

Read: What’s Most Important When Choosing A Life Partner

Object Choice Of Love

“A partner is someone who makes you more than you are, simply by being by your side.” – Albert Kim

According to psychoanalytic theory, anaclitic object-choice refers to the selection of a romantic partner who resembles a parental figure. {2} It is the choosing of a love object who will offer similar support, comfort, and assistance that you received from your parents during your childhood.

A woman may select a man, as a romantic and sexual partner, who not only resembles but also cares, protects, and feeds her like her father. The idea was introduced by Sigmund Freud, founder of psychoanalysis, in 1914. Most people who choose mates based on anaclitic object choices are guided by the belief that their partner will meet their narcissistic needs like their parents originally did. This is why many adults choose father or mother-figures as romantic partners. 

This goes to show that there are various factors which control our preferences, attractions and likes when it comes to love and partners.

Your instincts which guide you to your ‘right partner’ originate from complex and semi-conscious experiences that developed during your early childhood.

However, this does not necessarily mean our attractions are based on deformed instincts. We may genuinely look for an intelligent, caring and charming partner to build a healthy relationship. But we definitely have tendencies to look for someone who may be distant, busy and treat us with disdain.

How To Choose A Life Partner Wisely

On the contrary, if you had abusive parents, you may be too traumatized by the experience. Hence, if anyone shares even some of the personality traits & habits of your abusive parent, no matter how positive and caring they are, you will find them repulsive.

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Theo Harrison

Hey there! I am just someone trying to find my way through life. I am a reader, writer, traveler, fighter, philosopher, artist and all around nice guy. I am outdoor person but heavily into technology, science, psychology, spiritualism, Buddhism, martial arts and horror films. I believe in positive action more than positive thinking.View Author posts