So, before you put yourself out there to start dating, ask yourself if you believe that this could work. If you don’t believe, it won’t. Putting out negative energy is going to doom your dating prospects from the start.
Believe that you will find someone and the positive energy will draw that person too you!
4. Choose differently.
Many, many people who don’t take stock of what happened in past relationships move on to relationships that are very similar to the toxic ones they had in the past. For whatever reason, they find themselves attracted to the same sort of person, sometimes over and over, and the relationships end up the same every time.
Now that you have awareness of what happened in your abusive relationship, it might be easier for you to recognize the things that you need to do differently when it’s time to date. You might now recognize the kind of person you want to date, the kind of behaviors you want you both to exhibit, the kind of feelings you want this person to make you feel.
I have a client who was in a relationship with someone she didn’t trust – he had fooled around on her repeatedly and lied to her about it. She was determined to find someone she could trust the next time around and she did. And, while that relationship didn’t work out, she knew going out of it that there were guys out there she could trust. The guy she met this week is not only incredibly trustworthy but he has many of the traits that her old boyfriend lacked. I see a potentially marvelous future for them both!
5. Go slowly.
If there is one piece of advice that I give all of my clients, it’s to enter into any new relationship slowly.
So many of us meet someone, fall madly in love and then fall quickly into bed, without even getting to know the new person. When that new person finally starts to show themselves, we are often too far in to get out of the relationship easily.
If you meet someone you like, take your time. Get to know their likes and dislikes, their past relationships, their relationships with their parents, their hopes and dreams for the future. And DON’T fall into bed with them. Sex changes everything, particularly for women who seem to get more attached to someone after they have had sex, even if they weren’t particularly attached before.
My boyfriend, the love of my life, was a friend for 6 months before we started dating. Because there was no prospect of dating, we were open and honest with each other and told each other things about ourselves that made us quite vulnerable. By the time we started dating, we knew and trusted each other. Our lovemaking was intimate and our love grew quickly from there and was healthy.
So, as you ease back into dating after an abusive relationship, take it slow. Don’t do it like you did last time. (You took it too fast, didn’t you?) Get to know this person before you give them your heart, and your body. You will set yourself up for success if you do.
Dating is hard in the best of times and knowing how to ease back into dating after an abusive relationship is important.
You have just been through a lot and to embark on the search for another someone is scary. And you are brave.
So, before you do, get to know yourself again, fall in love with yourself again. Take stock of what happened in your relationship and familiarize yourself with the role you played in it. Choose carefully and mindfully who you date, believe that your person is out there and take it slow.
People can and do find good love after an abusive relationship. You can too!
Originally published in letyourdreamsbegin.com