12 Step Guide To Expand Your Relationship Intelligence

guide to expand your relationship intelligence

4. Don’t Let The Little Things Go.

A strong relationship is like a piece of woven fabric incorporating all the threads of your day-to-day interaction. Tears in this fabric—even tiny ones—must be mended promptly, before they enlarge, damage its integrity, and threaten to rip it completely apart. If there are too many holes in your relationship fabric, you’ll feel a sense of disintegration. That’s why resolving, forgiving, and reconciling is critical to maintaining your relationship’s longevity and health.

Related: 4 Steps To Let Go Of The Hurt That’s Holding You Back From Happiness

5. Don’t Hold Resentment.

relationship intelligence

If you hold onto anger over things your partner has done and allow that anger to infiltrate your interaction, you will unconsciously do things to hurt your partner and destroy the relationship.

If you hold onto anger over things your partner has done and allow that anger to infiltrate your interaction, you will unconsciously do things to hurt your partner and destroy the relationship.

You know when you feel resentment—when you grumble, do something grudgingly, and think about ways of getting back at your partner. Drop it. Get over it. And move on. If you don’t, you will irrecoverably sabotage your relationship. Dropping resentment doesn’t mean sucking it up when you’re unhappy. It does mean discussing your unhappiness until you achieve resolution.

6. Don’t Interrupt.

Talking over your partner—or anyone for that matter—is the most disrespectful thing you can do. Period. You may not like what your partner is saying. But unless it is abusive (in which case you should walk away), it has to be heard.

One of the top relationship complaints is not being heard or understood, and interrupting makes your partner feel this way instantly. Be patient and wait your turn. And if you forgot the zinger you were going to use, all the better. Zingers may win arguments, but they never win a person’s heart.

7. Never Show Contempt. 

An icy stare? Arsenic. A self-satisfied smirk? Strychnine. A dis. Cyanide. Contempt is the kiss of death, so just … don’t do it. Ever.

Would you poison your partner’s coffee—or tea, or green smoothie, or whatever your sweetheart likes to drink? No? Well, contempt is poison. An icy stare? Arsenic. A self-satisfied smirk? Strychnine. A dis. Cyanide. Contempt is the kiss of death, so just … don’t do it. Ever.

Learn how to express disappointment, hurt, even anger without being contemptuous. This means sharing your feelings with your partner without judging your partner personally, assuming motive or intent, or using emotional detachment to feel superior.

Related: The #1 Way to Avoid Contempt in Your Relationship

8. Focus On Feelings, Not Thoughts.

Get in touch with your feelings and express them. Use “I feel” sentences. If you find yourself strategizing or obsessing over logical, rational ‘answers’ to relationship problems, you’ll end up creating distance from your partner instead of intimacy when you talk. Feelings are warm.

They’re living, breathing emotions inside your psyche. Thoughts are cold and often calculated. Feelings connect people, while thoughts, even when well-intentioned, can easily drive a wedge. Feelings also can’t be debated, because you own your feelings. So focus on what you know you feel, not what you think you know if you want to be an expert in relationship intelligence.

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