It’s good to be lonely at times. And, I didn’t mind being one. I didn’t mind being in a lonely misery. Because it made me stronger to accept the things I hardly understand. Thank you for letting me be a part of that wild-goose chase for such a long time. I will never look back to a place where I thought the home I belong.” -Bea C. Pilotin
I was wondering how it feels giving me a quick kiss on my neck while you’re passing by behind me. How does it feel to have a quick call in the middle of the day just to say you miss me and for leaving a note in my inbox each morning and at the end of the day? Or, how it feels waking up in the morning when I’m grumpy and you are patiently hugging me? How does it feel preparing for me… my favorite coffee when I wake in the morning? How does it feel like kissing you and holding you? How it feels to be my warm blanket during winter nights when the snow falls on the cedar trees. I tried turning the table and begging to give me some of what I had given but you were so wild just like a goose I could hardly chase.
You see, I never failed even once to ask God before I go to bed at night that one day I could finally see that lovely smile that contains all your LOVE for me. Maybe- just maybe, I could experience how to get drowned with so much love and happiness in my heart. Even with God, I begged. I always pray that one day- you could fill the spaces between my fingers to feel safe when I’m scared with the lightning and thunderstorm in the dark night sky. I wonder…God seemed to have favorites, too. Unfortunately, I’m not one of them. And that’s okay.
I told you…
I will try to fix a cheese omelette for you and cook your favorite baked pasta for dinner each day. I will never burn your favorite Tuxedo shirts and your George Neale neckties. And I will pamper you with a lovely rub on your back when you get home from work. I will feed your favorite fish in your salt water aquarium. I will incessantly write for you beautiful stories and YOU in every word that bleeds. I will fill your fridge with your favorite dark godiva chocolate each day. I will love you to the moon and back. I’ll never leave you and I’ll take care of you when you grow old. I’ll do these for you to be happy. I’ll do EVERYTHING!
But I guess,
It’s time to stop this absurd search for you- who perhaps didn’t really exist because I know deep in my heart I deserve a man who is always there to love me. And I deserve that best kind of love. Yes, I stopped, it’s not that I lose patience but I don’t have enough strength anymore to keep chasing. I’ve gone too far running behind you. I’ve crossed heaven and earth for you. I came through a hurricane and tornado to reach you. I have climbed the highest mountains. I know there’s no easy way to go back. It’s always a difficult one. There are no shortcuts. No sure direction but I know I’ll get back there. Or, who knows – someone will meet me halfway there.
Wherever you are at this point in time, I want to tell you- I already put you away in my heart. I stopped chasing. Look behind you…I’m nowhere to be found. I’m sorry I finally decided to give my heart a break. I’ve grown up and finally stopped licking my wounds that were too deep- the wounds no one could see and touch. I admit, I still have this feeling or the remnant of love in my heart. I can’t turn it off just like this but I will learn to live with it. And one day, it will all evaporate in the vast sky. Thank you… for letting me be a part of that journey I have chased for such a long time. There are footprints but they will never lead me back again to the yesterdays I once had. I will never look back to a place where I thought a home I belong. I will never go back to say goodbye to you because I’m telling it to you now. Maybe, this time around, I will be one of God’s little Darlings and one of His favorites, too. I know, someday…somehow…someone out there will find me and will never let me chase again. That someone who is crazy about me and who thinks I’m the best thing that ever happened to his life. A man who will never ever let me feel those familiar knife stabs in my heart.