I have always been an all or nothing type of person. When I was young, my friends and I would play house, pretending that we had families and kids. Out of this pretend world, I began to form imaginary friends – which seems normal for most young children. I, however, took this to the extreme. I had a whole boarding school of detailed imaginary friends who had names, jobs, hobbies, and lives. My imagination ran rampant. Like I said, all or nothing.
As I grew out of imaginary friends and was thrown into the public school system of a rich suburban neighborhood, I came under pressure to be perfect. I was taught that the only way of being successful meant I would go to college, get a corporate job, find a wealthy husband, and have children while saving up to retire in a big beautiful home. The monotony of this idea was boring to me, I wanted to feel adrenaline. I wanted to be exhilarated. My rebellious nature took a hold of me in full force.
The first time I got high, my imagination was fired once again. I found escape from the insecurity that I had so incessantly felt. I was convinced that I could do anything I wanted to do, I finally felt comfortable in my own skin.
I found that using mood and mind altering substances worked for me, so I ran with it. I began to get high every day, putting whatever I could get my hands on in my body without a second thought. All or nothing, right?
Eventually, this kind of reckless attitude led me to finding heroin. Heroin did for me what all other substances couldn’t. It brought me to a state of complete oblivion in which I found absolute stillness and inexplicable bliss.
Heroin was my best friend. It was there when I had a bad day and wanted to feel better. It was there when I made good money at work and needed to celebrate. It was there to pass the time when I felt bored. It gave me everything I needed but it took absolutely everything I ever had.
I threw my full ride college scholarship down the drain because getting high was more important than going to class. Heroin ripped away any sense of dignity or morals that I had, turning me into a person who stole from cash registers, manipulated the people I loved, and lied to get what I wanted. I went from being a girl who had the whole world in her hands, to a junkie who wanted nothing more than a fresh needle and a bag of dope.
Eventually, the numb feeling wore off. I wasn’t using to get high anymore, I was using to prevent the sickness of withdrawals from setting in. I wasn’t using because it was fun, peaceful, or quiet. I was using because I had no choice, my body demanded it and my mind was trapped in a downward spiral towards death.
The last time I got high, I was convinced that there was enough heroin in my syringe to kill me. I promised myself that if I miraculously woke up, I would go to detox and rehab. When I woke up, I wasn’t angry. I believe that in this moment I ultimately surrendered to the steel chains that bound me to addiction. I knew two things: one was that I couldn’t get sober on my own, and the other was that I was kept alive for a reason that I didn’t understand.
I don’t want to underestimate the importance of detox and treatment in my story because both served their purpose. Detox allowed me to safely get through the unbearable opiate withdrawals that I was experiencing and treatment allowed me to have a safe place to sleep at night while being separated from drugs. However, the true change that I have experienced in recovery began when I was discharged from treatment.
I went to a sober living home where I lived with four other women who were all working towards the same goal as I was. We were all working hard to achieve long term sobriety. I was introduced to women who had more clean time than me and I followed their footsteps. I began to chase my sobriety just as hard as I had chased my drugs in the past. I wanted everything that these women had and I was determined to get it.
These women taught me how to live a healthy lifestyle. They introduced me to yoga and mindful meditation, which are tools that I continue to use today to relieve stress and connect to the energy in my body. I learned that the more awareness I have of the energy in my physical being, the more effectively I can take care of my body and mind in order to give it the things it needs.
These women also showed me how to have fun in sobriety. We go out for fancy dinners on birthdays, go to the beach to take advantage of our home in sunny south Florida, and we laugh harder than I have ever laughed before.
These women became my spiritual leaders. They explained to me the importance of having a relationship with a personal God of my own understanding. Since I cannot control the mental obsession to use drugs, it is essential for me to allow a higher power to remove the obsession to get high. Studies even prove that people who live by spiritual mechanisms are more likely to stay sober than those who do not. In building this relationship with God, I learned how to live on spiritual principles based on honesty, purity, love, and unselfishness.
My spiritual leaders emphasized the necessity of helping other people who struggle with the disease of addiction. I was told to do this by actively sharing my experience, strength, and hope with people who felt as though the obsession to use drugs would never be lifted with the ambition that something I say to them will provide them with the motivation that they need to get sober and stay sober.
My life today is more abundant than a life I had ever imagined. Through a faith in God I am given peace of mind that I will be able to overcome and learn from any struggles that come my way. Through the love and support of other women in my life I never have to feel alone. By helping others, my life is given a purpose on this earth.
I was blessed with a second chance at life where I have the privilege of helping others and being of service to others at every opportunity. In this life, I have been given a heart full of gratitude that is able to see beauty in things that are dark. I am able to give hope to people who feel hopeless. I am able to have faith when others feel doubt.
I have a fulfilling life where I am able to be a loving daughter to two parents who use to live in fear that they would never see me alive again. I get to be an aunt to two beautiful girls who never have to see me under the influence of drugs. I experience freedom from the bondage of addiction today, which is more than I could have ever asked for.
