Are you tired of a narcissist’s toxicity, and cheap tricks, and want to know how their mind works? Then you should take a look at a narcissist’s playbook.
You know all these tricks. Youโve probably used some of them in a pinch. Youโve certainly suspected others of using them. When someone uses them mix-and-match and wall-to-wall, you rightly begin to wonder if theyโre just an absolute narcissistโa gloat-boat.
You stop listening to the ideas they espouse because all you hear is know-it-all, say-no-to-it-all deflection. If itโs a challenge to their authority, theyโve got a ready reason why itโs just plain wrong, a generic reason in that you could apply any of these tricks in pretty much any situation in defense of anyone.
Theyโre mercenary tricks. All-purpose ways of saying โNope, Iโm always right and youโre just a fool.โ That’s why they come across as robotic. It takes no thinking to use these tricks, and once you come to depend on them, you’re ready for anything. You can shut down your heart and mind because they only get in the way of automatically deflecting all challenges.
Some end with the awkward -izing or -ifying. I use these as they are used in “moralizing” or “justifying.” They tend to mean “deliberately misrepresenting.” And the list could go on. Humans are ingenious, but perhaps most ingenious at developing all-purpose self-defenses that, strung together mix and match, can be used to make ourselves feel infallible.
Here Is The Absolute Narcissist’s Playbook:
1. โIn our debate, obviously youโre dead wrong.โ Self-umpiring. Pretending youโre the judge who decides the winner of an argument youโve entered.
2. โDonโt be defensive.โ Fake-neutrality. Pretending youโre stating a fact when itโs just your opinion. Saying โYouโre defensive,โ instead of saying, โI think youโre being defensive.โ
3. โHey now, you donโt know that for sure.โ Going uncertain. Posing as the scientifically skeptical authority by casting uncertainty on any challenge to your opinion.
4. โHey! No fair! You won fair and square. If this was a fair contest, Iโd win, too.โ Sore loser umping. When losing, pretending that a fair contest means an equal outcome.
Related: 10 Manipulative Strategies Used By Narcissists To Dominate You
5. โYouโre wrong which proves Iโm right.โ Default logic. Assuming that if you can find even one thing wrong with a challengerโs arguments, youโre automatically right by default.
6. โYou think that?! You donโt know anything, do you?โ Infallibility baiting. Turning a debate into a winner-takes-all contest to prove youโre right about everything and your opponent is wrong about everything.
7. โI have a right to talk!โ Libertizing. Pretending that challenges to your authority are challenges to your right to say anything without pushback. Pretending that your obsession with your right to dominate proves that youโre a crusader for freedom of expression.
8. โHa! I see that the truth upsets you.โ Taunting. Pretending that an emotional response disqualifies anyone who challenges you. This one is especially handy late in an argument. After having frustrated your opponents with absolute unreceptive, you can pull this one out as a coup de grace.
9. โDonโt tell me about justice! I hate when people are unjust to me!โ Justicizing. Pretending that your obsession with fairness to you makes you the authority on fairness.
10. โI pity you, youโre so stupid. Sad.โ Crocodile tears. A put-down dressed up as sympathy.
Related: 20 Narcissistic Terms: A Glossary of Terms for Understanding Narcissism
11. โWow, Iโm disappointed. I expected more from a professional like you. You should have responded respectfully to me after I called you a blithering idiot.โ Connoisseur-ratting. Pretending to be the upholder of high standards. Delivering put-downs dressed up as upholding high standards.
12. โHey, be nice! Shame on you for shaming people.โ Nicessism. Narcissistically shaming someone by treating all of their challenges as personal insults. Including “shame on you for shaming people!”
13. โWhy canโt we get along by you compromising to me?โ Pacifizing. Pretending that because you want a compromise from others youโre a crusader for compromise.
14. โYouโre being disrespectful so youโre wrong.โ Killing the messenger. Disqualifying challenges to your authority because they werenโt delivered by the exacting standards you hold only for others, not yourself.
15. โYou used an ad hominem argument therefore youโre wrong.โ Ad hominizing. Citing the most basic logical fallacy as a way to claim authority. An ad hominem argument or personal attack doesnโt prove the attacker right. Neither does it prove them wrong. Ironically, you can accuse a personal attacker of being automatically wrong for using a personal attack.
16. โHey, my intentions are pure. Donโt they count for everything?โ Virtual virtue. Doing a quick and gingerly investigation of your motives, declaring them pure, and acting like your self-report is the last word.
17. โIf thereโs one thing I know, itโs when people are wrong.โ Talkiswalkism. Assuming that people owe you credibility when you flatter yourself, for example, thinking people should believe you when you declare yourself the arbiter of truth.
18. โI donโt mean to be critical but youโre an idiot.โ False-caveating. A variation of virtual virtue and talkiswalkism. Pretending that because you say youโre not doing something youโre not doing it.
19. โI didnโt mean to hurt you.โ Meanly-mouthing. Pretending your self-reported intentions should automatically put others at ease. None of us really know all we mean to do. And while we might not mean to do something, weโre often happy to do it as a side effect of something we mean to do. For example, โYes I had an affair but I wasnโt deliberately trying to hurt you. Hurting you was just a side effect of me trying to score.โ
Related: The Narcissistic Dictionary: Terms That Describe Narcissistic Behaviors
20. โMoi? How dare you compare me to them!โ Exceptionalizing. Pretending that itโs outrageous that anyone would consider you as a member of the same species as some human you donโt like.
21. โMe, not listen? Iโm the best listener!โ Robo-denial. Automatically refuting an accusation by claiming you have the most virtue.
22. โWhatever. But answer me this.โ Playing interrogator. Filling the air with challenges and questions. Taking control of the conversation by flooding it with your demands.
23. โDonโt even think of challenging me until youโve learned everything I have.” Schooling. Declaring challengers disqualified unless they study everything that affirms your position.
24. โIโm right because many people agree with me.โ Massifying. Pretending selectively that popular opinion decides truth.
25. โIโm right because Iโm like Jesus or Einstein and the masses are fools who just donโt understand.โ Self-martyring. Pretending that because you have an outlying position, you must be right.
26. โIโm honest so I speak the truth!โ Truth-gutting. Confusing honesty with truth, conveniently forgetting that plenty of people honestly believe falsehoods.
27. โI’m right because someone ancient agreed with me.โ Toga-cred. Pretending that old means true.
28. โI’m right because someone famous for something entirely different said it.โ Over-generalized status-cred. Pretending that if someone was right about one thing, theyโre the last word on everything.
Related: 5 Projection Techniques Narcissists Use To Attack Others
29. “I’m right because the truth was revealed to me or someone from a supernatural source.” Revelation. Pretending you have special access to the last-word truth channeled directly to you that trumps the scientific methodโs trial and error process.
30. โMoi? How dare you say I have that trait?! I hate that trait.โ Exempt by contempt. Pretending that hating a behavior when others do it to you proves that you donโt do it to others.
31. โYeah, but this insight really moved me so itโs the last word.โ Meming. Being wooed by an insight so appealing you donโt think thereโs any need for any other insights ever again.
32. “Nothing arrogant about it. I simply happen to know I’m the best at deciding what’s true.” Self-convincing. Pretending that because you checked and agree with yourself again and again you must be right about everything.
33. โEvidence? I have no use for evidence. I have faith and Iโm damned proud of it.โ Proud faith. Pretending that a blanket refusal to reconsider other possibilities is a badge of honor.
34. โThat’s boring, confusing, or difficult, therefore itโs irrelevant.” Pseudo-objectivism. Pretending you are the measure of all things and that if something isnโt intuitive to you, you can dismiss it as false.
35. โI donโt know about that so itโs impermissible as evidence.โ Blanking-blocking. Pleading ignorance not as an admission of your limitations but as evidence of your authority.
Related: Why The Narcissist Devalues You? 5 Reasons You Should Know
36. โIs it true? Yes, I hope so.โ Reality/hope blurring or magical thinking. Pretending that what you want to think is true is therefore true.
37. โOh, you just donโt want to believe it.โ Reality/hope blurring or dreadful thinking. Pretending that you must be right because your challengers donโt believe it.
38. “You’re just trying to make me look wrong.”
39. โIt just is.โ Literal unreasonableness. Not giving reasons. Employing the words โjustโ or โonly,โ which means ignore all other possibilities.
40. โIโm just trying to be righteous, doesnโt that count for everything?โ Self-sanctifying. Claiming pure motives as though youโre high self-regard decides anything.
41. โI win because Iโm more hysterical than you.โ Out-maniaciking. Pretending that debates are won not by realism but by passion, as though if you exaggerate most wildly and passionately your insistence trumps all other considerations.
42. โIn general never generalize. Your kind always stereotypes us so youโre wrong about everything.โ Hypocritical generalizing. Pretending that an unflattering generalization is wrong because itโs a generalization.
43. โDonโt tell me how I feel! Iโm the authority on how I feel! You just want to put me down.โ Hypocritical psychologizing. Pretending you believe that people always know what they feel as a way to keep people from psychologizing you while you psychologize them.
Related: 8 Tricks Narcissists Play To Manipulate Their Victims
44. โHow would I do it? By succeeding!โ Goalifizing. Pretending that fanatical passion to reach a goal is all it takes to achieve it.
45. โIโm principled; youโre pigheaded. Theyโre totally different! Donโt you know that?!โ False distinctions. Pretending a double standard isnโt one by declaring a difference without explaining it.
46. โFine, Iโll shut up forever so you can dominate.โ Caricaturizing. Making them sound ridiculous, to shame them out of it.
47. โYou question my argument? Fine. Iโll start all over again.โ Insistent replay. If they question your argument, declare it over and over again until they give up.
48. โShame on you for violating whatever absolute moral principle my behavior demonstrates I donโt care about at all except when it comes in handy for guilt-tripping a challenger into submission.โ Moralizing. Blaring your police siren so loud it drowns out the sound of your own violations.
49. โShame on you for being so insensitive as to trespass on my unchallengeable safe space.” Theatrical hypersensitivity or PC. Pretending to be offended to shut people up.
50. โShame on you for being so sensitive as to encroach on my unchallengeable freedom to trespass.” Theatrical hyper-insensitivity or anti-PC. Barking at people for not tolerating your barking so you can get them to back off.
51. โIโve been oppressed, so from now on, Iโm right about everything.โ Victim-vindication. Pretending that having been wronged makes you permanently right.
52. โI didnโt say what you heard me say! You must have heard wrong.โ Misinterpretizing. Rather than facing and addressing your inconsistencies, pretending your challenger misunderstood you.
53. “Oh, so you’re saying we should all just be stupid?” Misinterpretizing.
54. โJeez, I was just joking. My, arenโt you hypersensitive?โ Ironizing. Theatrical revising the past they say that they were only kidding. Irony is useful but easily abused as a no-tag-backs way of dodging challenges to our assertions.
55. โSounds like you have biases.โ Blind self-exemption. Treating universal human traits as rare pathologies of the weak and maladjusted.
56. โSo what? Everybody does it!โ False equivalentizing. Ignoring questions of degree to justify your excesses.
57. โIf youโre not absolutely pure, your challenges mean nothing.โ Puritanizing. Harping on the tiniest fault, real or imagined in your challengers as if their humanness proves your saintliness.
Related: 63 Most Commonly Used Phrases By Narcissistic Mothers
58. โLook, when I say you’re pigheaded and I’m steadfast, I’m just calling a spade a spade, nothing more.โ Spinflexing. Using loaded terms as though theyโre descriptive.
59. “You donโt agree with me about how to achieve X? You must not want to achieve X.โ Exploitative extrapolation. Willfully confusing means for ends as though anyone who disagrees with your means must not share your ends.
60. โIโm proud to demand more, stand my ground, speak up for myself, uphold my principles and, furthermore, hold high standards, whereas you, youโre just being pushy, attached, demanding, obnoxious, and, not only that, pigheaded.โ Spinplex pile-on. Reiteration disguised as reasoning. Employing loaded synonyms to make your argument appear longer and stronger and their argument seems weaker.
61. โThatโs just talk, words, theory, abstraction or semanticsโ Wordy anti-wordism. Accuse them of empty talk without showing any curiosity about why your talk counts and theirs doesnโt.
62. โMy belief is simpler (or more complicated) so Iโm right.โ Formulizing. Pretending that thereโs an easy formula for deciding whoโs right, one that makes you right.
Related: 10 Ways To Deal With Toxic People Who Spread Negativity
63. โIโve stacked carefully selected and edited arguments in my favor that prove Iโm right. Cherry-picking. Ignoring counter-evidence to claim absolute certainty. โGiving up on debating me proves youโre wrong about everything.โ
If you want to hear them used in action to deflect all challenges and, more importantly how to defeat people who will say or do anything to remain undefeated, check out my YouTube podcast episode:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=P7ADqVZObng&feature=emb_title
Here’s that same fight with an absolute narcissist annotated:
Written By Jeremy Sherman
Originally Appeared In Psychology Today Article Link 1 and Article Link 2
Understanding narcissists and their cheap tricks might seem very complex, but in reality they are not. The next time you feel insulted, outraged, or dumb-founded by their behavior, take a look at the narcissist’s playbook. Everything will fall into place, and because you will have a better understanding of them, you will be able to knock their toxic games out of the park.
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