I’ve recently been having a bit of a difficult time, which the more I think about it, the more ridiculous it seems.
Things are generally going very well for me.
I have millions of readers. I’ve recently received funding for two different projects. I live in the greatest city in the world with more beautiful women than you could count.
Everything is going well, sort of. Everything, except the one thing that matters most to me — this one girl.
Nothing gives you energy or drains you of it the way love does. When things are going great, you feel full of life, vibrant, ready to take on the world.
But when things aren’t going well, everything seems like a chore. Everything feels like it takes an enormous effort to accomplish.
Waking up and getting out of bed in the morning can even seem like a daunting task.
When it comes to love, if it isn’t reciprocated — even if only not to an equal extent — it’s your own personal hell.
I’ve managed to, once again, find myself in the same situation with, once again, the same individual, and I just can’t do it again.
There is only one thing worse than coming to grips with the fact that the one person in your life who is your priority only sees you as an option.
And it’s coming to grips with the fact that he or she sees you as option B.
It hurts worse than anything.
Love is the ego’s best friend and worst enemy. It can both reinforce all the great things we believe about ourselves and go on to tear it all down.
When you love someone, you are opening yourself up to him or her. You are making yourself vulnerable, showing this person a side of you very few people ever get to see.
You are basically offering yourself up as a sacrifice, hoping this person realizes he or she loves you just as much and decides to keep you alive.
But when you come to realize this person doesn’t love you the way you love him or her, this person means the world to you, and to him or her, you’re just an option — a possibility he or she isn’t even hoping for — it feels like this person laid you down on a table and drove a blade through your heart.
It’s the most embarrassing feeling in the world.
Our egos have the incredible ability to hurt in multiple ways, simultaneously. Yay.
While you may find yourself heartbroken after finding yourself in such a situation, you’re also likely to feel incredibly embarrassed.
People are afraid to say how they feel about each other, clearly for good reason.
I’m not sure how it is individuals can believe love to be some ethereal, tangible thing when it’s obviously possible for one person to love another without the other reciprocating that love.
And when that love isn’t reciprocated, you feel embarrassed. You put yourself out there, made yourself vulnerable, only to be told you’re being silly, basically imagining a love that doesn’t exist.
You may not literally be getting laughed at, but it sure as hell feels that way. You gambled, and you lost.
And the worst part is the one person you want to appear strongest to sees you as weak.
It makes you question your self-worth.
You may believe you’re an amazing individual. You may be right. Yet when we find our love is rejected or — even worse — we’re a secondary option, it makes us wonder if we’re as awesome as we believe we are.
Of course, we all have things about ourselves we’re proud of and other things we’re less than proud of.
Being told you’re not good enough will make you recheck yourself, but what you’re likely to conclude is the problem isn’t actually you. It’s the other person.
But coming to such a conclusion will take time — and the time it takes to arrive at such a conclusion won’t be pleasant.
Your future and your life have been completely altered, and it’s scary.
I’ve spent the last four years of my life trying to become the right person for — whom I now believe to be — the wrong person. It’s scary.