As he spoke, it clicked for me— the thing that had felt off for me was this. My partner withholding their “stuff” is a huge trigger for me, and he hadn’t been sharing the heavy things on his heart.
I fell in love with this boy in part because he shares so much of himself with me. He’s normally eager to share his inner world and think out loud, but this week he’d been keeping shit in. Some part of me had felt it, and felt threatened.
When I asked him why he hadn’t shared that stuff before, he said it just seemed too heavy, too sad, too yucky, too confusing.
He was processing his stuff too, trying to organize his own filing cabinet, and he didn’t want to bog me down with it. After all, he knew the animal stuff would be hard for me to understand, and once I’d established I was feeling sensitive and hurt, it just seemed wrong to bring it up.
Listening to him talk in the car dissipated a lot of my hurts, though, and by the time we got to the airport, I felt my filing cabinet all neatly organized and my distress and neediness gone. I realized at that moment how important it is for me to be invited into my partner’s inner world.
Some part of it may be about wanting to establish a feeling of safety and a fear of being shut out– all shit I’ve worked on in therapy. But some of it is just having an intuition sensitive enough to pick up on subtle changes. If my spidey senses pick up on something being different, but I can’t figure out what it is or why it’s unsettling. (Not to mention that like most women, I’ve been gaslit by people who didn’t want to deal with what my intuition was picking up on my whole life.)
I also just feel closest to my partner when they’re freely sharing their inner world with me. Thank goodness this one does just that freely, deeply, and often.
I share all this on feeling needy because I think it may be useful to know that:
if you experience bouts of neediness, sensitivity, or emotionalness that you can’t explain, you are neither alone, nor are you “crazy.”
If you are feeling needy, you may just be sensitive, like me, and picking up on subtle things your conscious mind can’t place. And if so, then you might need to spend some time working on both your connection with your body and Self and your emotional-processing process.
Because we all deserve access to our innermost truth, and a nicely organized emotional filing cabinet.
Love and sensitivity,
Written by: Jessi Kneeland
Originally appeared on: Jessikneeland.com
Republished with permission