A Guide To Understanding The Fear Of Abandonment And Object Constancy

A Guide To Understanding The Fear Of Abandonment And Object Constancy

Trying hard to let go of your fear of abandonment and object constancy? Read Become A Relationship Superhero: How To Turn Insecurity Into A Superpower

If we are able to hold both the faults and the virtues in ourselves and others, we would not have to resort to the primitive defense of ‘splitting,’ or black-or-white thinking. We do not have to devalue our partner because they have disappointed us completely. We could also forgive ourselves- just because we are not perfect all the time does not mean we are, therefore ‘bad,’ or unworthy of love.

Our partner could be limited and good enough at the same time.

They could love and be angry at us at the same time.

They might need to distance themselves from us sometimes, but the foundation of the bond remains solid.

For a moment, tune into your breathing, and observe how like a human relationship, and everything else in nature, there is a natural ebb and flow. Gradations in life are numerous and varied. We need to breathe out, contract to expand. A healthy relationship requires a dynamic flow between closeness and distance, ups, and downs, disappointment, and fulfillment. No one or no relationship is a static one thing. If we think of our relationship as a dance or music— there is no closeness without distance, no music without the intervals. If we fixate only on the times we are together and ignoring the empty spaces, we stifle the pulsation, and eventually squander the relationship.

The next critical step of healing from abandonment fears is to cultivate self-reliance. Fear of abandonment fear is over-powering because it brings back the deep trauma that we carry from when we were a little child, being thrown into this world as helpless beings, utterly dependent on those around us. But we must acknowledge that some of our fears no longer reflects our current reality. Although there is never absolute certainty and safety in life, we are an adult now and have different choices. We have strength, we have resilience, we have autonomy and freedom.

As adults, we could no longer be ‘abandoned’- if a relationship comes to an end, it is the natural consequences of a mismatch in two people’s values, needs, and life paths.

We could no longer be ‘rejected’- for the value of our existence does not depend on the opinions of others.

We could no longer be engulfed or trapped- we can say no, set limits, and walk away.

As a resilient adult, we could cradle the two-month-old inside of us that was terrified of being dropped; We learn to stay inside of our bodies even in fear without dissociating; and we could stay in relationships with others even in the midst of uncertainty, without running away into avoidance and defenses.

Rather than getting stuck in a search for the ‘missing piece,’ we come to recognize ourselves as a whole and integrated being.

The trauma of being dropped and left alone has passed, and we are given the opportunity for a new life.

We are now strong enough, vast enough, and resilient to surf the wave of human life.

“The sun loved me again when it saw that the stars would not abandon me.”

– Jenim Debie

If you identify with some of the above, I hope this piece serves as a source of hope. We are all a work in progress, and none of us has the perfect attachment, perfect history, or perfect relationship. It is never too late for insights and change.

 

As I Began To Love Myself

As I began to love myself, I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is AUTHENTICITY.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody if I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it RESPECT.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it MATURITY.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it SELF-CONFIDENCE.

As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it SIMPLICITY.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is the LOVE OF ONESELF.

As I began to love myself I quit trying always to be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is MODESTY.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it FULFILLMENT.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection WISDOM OF THE HEART.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know THAT IS LIFE!

-Charlie Chaplin

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1 thought on “A Guide To Understanding The Fear Of Abandonment And Object Constancy”

  1. I loved Your article. It’s def me down to a T. I have Intense fear of being alone. Especially as nighttime approaches. The anxiety starts like it does every single time. II’ve dealt with abandonment issues throughout my life. My 1st husband left me ans our baby girl when she was 2. Came home packed his bags gave her a hug and a kiss and told us he had to leave. Out of the blue, no warning! Def messed my head up. It all started when i was a baby, got worse and worse as i got older. I was ripped away from my older brothers and sisters when i was 8 to go live with my mom and her new husband far away from my family and friends. I was the baby out of 5 kids who were all much older then me. Then the sexual and mental abuse started when she went to work from my step dad. Also, my mom was physically and mentally abused from my dad and my step dad. I watched her get beat up so many times. When i was as little as 5 I remember watching my dad strangle my mom so bad with her feet dangling from the floor, I would try to help her. I would punch, bite, kick or do whatever i could to get her free. My sister who was 5 yrs older would run and hide in the closet. My other sister and two brothers weren’t home a lot so they weren’t there to help. I’ve always been abandoned by people I loved since i was a baby until now as an adult. I am So fucked up because of it and from other obvious reasons. I am In a very bad place right now, my anxiety is very severe. I’ve tried suicide 2 times in my life. 18 and 25 and I think About it often. I just get this overwhelming feeling of peace when I think About it. I know i need help but can’t go anywhere to get it. I need to see a therapist that can do video chat with me. I can never keep appts. I always Cancel at the last minute. Don’t know why I do that Either. Any kind of plans I’m usually canceling.
    Anyway, Thank you for posting this article it helped me understand myself a little more.
    I am Currently separated from my husband rn and have my own apt which btw, is a horrible idea for people like me. So I let someone move in with me that I started Seeing and fell in love with him. But now I’m so confused cuz I actually still love my husband too. Can someone be in love with two ppl at the same time ?? Ugh!! I’ve made my life very complicated!!!! If you know of any good coaches that could actually try and help me I would Appreciate it immensely!!! Cuz I need A lot of help If I want To survive any longer.
    I do want to live I just don’t know how anymore. My 27 year old daughter is the only one that keeps me going every sad lonely fucked up day. She’s seriously my reason for living. She’s freaking amazing. Beautiful inside and outside. Everyone falls in love with her. She’s one of a kind and I can’t believe this train wreck of a mom raised this beautiful creature.
    So sorry I hope I didnt Scare you with all my crazy talk. I guess I was Feeling very emotional after i read your article and needed to vent to you. It’s ok if you don’t reply back. It felt good to let it out.
    Take care!! ❤️✌and that’s all I ever Wanted.!!!

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