Fantasy Bond: Loving The Person You Hope They’ll Become


This was a dysfunctional relationship. In a sense, we were both bonded by fantasy.

It was me who needed saving. I was as damaged as he was. As insecure too.

We both feared intimacy and abandonment. So, this fantasy relationship allowed enough of a separation from the terrifying reality of having a real one.

Closeness triggered fears of vulnerability. Vulnerability scared me. Even though I craved intimacy.


Fantasy love

This fantasy bond protected us both.

We had the illusion of connection and closeness. Whilst protecting enough emotional distance to not feel so scared by it.

That fantasy in my head was never going to deliver me the relationship or man I hoped for. It was the opposite – unhealthy and no good for me.

The bubble had burst.

The fear of loss or abandonment can come from a lack of nurturing love in childhood.

As an adult, you feel anxious and frightened of closeness. For fear of losing it and reliving that pain you felt as a child.

A fantasy bond feels familiar and safer. But it’s a destructive type of relationship.

Each is looking to the other to fulfil unmet childhood needs. Both of you are unable to trust, are defensive, repeating negative patterns and behavior.

I lost myself in this process. I walked on eggshells, changed my behavior trying to fix things.

Depended my entire happiness on him, rather than finding it within. I ended up hollow and numbed.

I had to break the fantasy bond and see it for what it was.

Look to saving myself, working on me.


The biggest turning point was when I asked myself:

What if he never changes into that dream man in my head?


I had to be the one to love myself instead. And that was how I started to heal.

Learning to love myself. Building my self-esteem.

Loving me as much I wanted others to love me.

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Originally appeared on
Written by Vivian Mc Grath
Printed with permission from author

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Fantasy Bond Loving The Person You Hope They’ll Become