Euphoric Misery

Euphoric Misery


What can possibly a person can expect from one’s life in a lifetime. What could be possibly the limit, the point where there is nothing else left he could possibly left to have, but still there was something missing, there is always something missing. Was it something he had before even for a short moment of time but couldn’t realize it before it was long gone, or was it something that he could never get or all his money couldn’t buy? Was he lost chasing a dream, and when he gets there, he only ends up realizing it’s a NIGHTMARE.

Here I was standing right in front of the mirror looking deep into his eyes, trying to look through his wretched soul experiencing all the rage, hurt, sorrow, deception all over again and again.  He wasn’t me anymore. I thought I could get over everything with just faith and time alone, I thought I could restart again; I thought I could get myself back again. I only ended up realizing that past is an infinite gaping hole, the more you go inside, the more you chase your mistakes, the more you end up losing yourself.

My heart and mind told me revenge will find my soul some peace, but it didn’t so far. There was a constant thirst and this thirst kept on rising, the thirst to see their gorgeous smiling faces once again, the thirst to spend just a little more moment close to them even though it was not possible anymore, the thirst to give a horrible death to anyone involved in my misery. The thirst to kill more, hunt more, spill more blood. This blood thirst rage is something that I was trying hard to control, but the more I tried to get out of it, the more I got drowned into it.  

I was never like this. I had everything anyone could possibly ask for. I had my normal life, my source of joy and happiness my little family, my safe haven. I couldn’t ask god for anything else. if only I could realize it’s value sooner.

Whenever I closed my eyes I saw all of them standing together graciously smiling at me like a beautiful sunset waiting for me to join them. Their eyes full of love and dreams, and their faces full of life and joy. I could see and hear all their joyous laughs, the kids running around and playing with their grandparents while my wife waving at me asking me to join them.   

But, just like after any other beautiful sunset, the dark night follows, so came the dark night of my life as my biggest regret, and before I could realize, slowly came the darkest moment of the night, slitting their throats slowly and painfully, one by one, smashing their skulls in pieces right in front me, as I hear and watch the people I love the most in my life, screaming in pain, screaming for help, with my eyes wide open, unable to move, unable to do anything. I could see it in their innocent eyes revealing all the horror, all the pain, all the fear, but the most tormenting of all, revealing hope in their eyes even in their final moments. The faith that I will jump in and save them at any moment now. Those believing eyes full of false desperate hope expecting their father, their son, her husband to save them, will continue to haunt me for the rest of life no matter what.

The eyes of my ever-caring, old, hard-working, proud father weltering like a wounded animal, trying hard but unable to protect his family, trying hard not to show his fear on his face, desperately crying and screaming in immense pain, anger and remorse while looking at his 5 and 7 years old grandson’s and granddaughter’s (my son’s and daughter’s) beheaded bodies and smashed skulls. The eyes of my sweet, loving, ever-jolly beautiful mother filled with tears, shivering, begging from the beginning for mercy for her family in exchange of her life, still crying and begging for what’s remaining of her family, looking right at me with hopes in her eyes that her son still might save her, while they tightly grab her hair and slowly slit her throat. As I see life slowly fading away from my mother’s eyes I see forgiveness, and a final desperate fight to breathe, right before they smash her skull in many pieces. My gorgeous wife, the love of my life, on her knees with eyes filled with tears, frozen still in shock as a dead body, staring at her lifeless children with a blank face. The very face that once just with a glance used to bring joy back to my life, giving me courage, is lifeless right in front of me. It didn’t matter whether she was still breathing or not, she couldn’t live with herself after this, she was already dead from the inside. One at a time, laughing while doing it, ignoring all the crying, screaming and begging, of my innocent little son and daughter, my old father and mother and my faultless wife, they slit all their throats, and smashed their skulls to the point where their faces were far from human recognition.  

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