This need for constant reassurance is seen in highly dependent people. Million-dollar question…. What goes hand in hand with high dependency? The answer…. resentment! Someone who requires your constant emotional reassurance will eventually feel a tremendous sense of resentment. Likewise, you may also begin to resent the need to chronically bolster the flagging confidence of your spouse.
All of this puts tremendous pressure on a relationship. Over time it begins to rot the tender feelings each spouse once had for the other. Bitterness begins to take root.
Confidence, on the other hand, puts no special demands on one’s partner for reassurance. Instead, it acts as an invitation for greater trust, intimacy, and adventure.
Those who possess a generous nature are not likely to view themselves as the epicenter of the universe. Generosity is kryptonite to selfish desire and ambition. The two qualities do not harmoniously coexist.
If you want to go through life with someone who enjoys sharing the adventure, rather than insisting on being the center of the adventure, find a generous soul.
Often mistaken for false modesty, humility is simply the heartfelt understanding that you are not the center of the universe. It requires a recognition that your needs, your pain, your ambition, and your goals are not of central importance.
Are they of any importance? Of course. At times your concerns will even be of great importance. But on most days they are not so pressing as to over shadow the needs of others.
As C.S. Lewis put it “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.”
When humility is missing there will be little grace shown for the mistakes of others. Marriages, however, require an abundance of grace. It acts as a disinfectant that allows the injuries caused by mistakes to be cleansed and to heal.
If a husband or wife lacks humility, grace is likely to be in very short supply. That means that the emotional hurts that invariably occur in any relationship will heal more slowly – and some will remain forever. After a time, one or both partners will respond by building emotional barriers to prevent further hurt. That’s when intimacy begins to die.
Finding someone who balances confidence with humility results in blessings many times over.
Charles Dickens wrote “There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.”
No one wants to journey through life with a companion who seldom smiles, or one who approaches each morning with a grim expression of doleful determination. If that is what you are looking for, then make friends with an IRS auditor.
But if you want a happier life, then look for a soulmate who is able to laugh at his, or her, own foibles and frustrations. Someone who finds humor in the everyday routines and nuances of which others take no notice.
Life is difficult and relationships are challenging. Marriage is particularly challenging: two imperfect people attempting to make a lifelong commitment in the face of life’s uncertainties and heartaches…. (just as one needs to periodically clean out a closet, or a room, give things away, so too does forgiveness help keep life leaner, cleaner, and lighter…. lack of forgiveness means burdens continued to be carried).
Each of us makes a mess of things from time to time. Most of these errors will be relatively minor (I am referring to something like forgetting an anniversary, not a major breach in trust like infidelity).
When we do make a misstep our responsibility is to apologize and make things right. This brings the relationship back into balance. If your spouse is unforgiving, your missteps will remain in a permanent ledger of wrongdoing. Make sure to find someone who is able to forgive the normal shortcomings that everyone displays from time to time.