Why Emotionally Unavailable Men And Women Sabotage Good Relationships

men and women sabotage good relationships

Many of which are created by some sort of Frankenstein’s monster of patchwork bits of women he’s known in his life or idealized people that he’s seen on TV or in movies. 

The closer he gets to you, the more imperfection he sees, and that causes him to second guess things, put the foot on the brake, and do things like pull away quickly, right? Now, because he’s invested in the concept of a perfect woman, he may do things to try to fast-forward the relationship very quickly. He may become very intimate with you very quickly. 

He may do things to make it seem like the relationship is meant to be really fast. But again, as he starts to get closer, he starts to see there’s a disconnect between perfection and you, right? This is what causes him to pull away.

The problem is that commitment in general is a scary concept for the emotionally unavailable man. 

He’s always worried or wondering if there’s something better out there, a swipe, click, or refresh away, and it causes him to fear committing to a certain extent because commitment locks him into a certain relationship. 

It locks him into being with somebody who is obviously imperfect because we’re all imperfect. So an emotionally unavailable man doesn’t like the idea of commitment. He probably likes the concept of it as an intellectual idea like, “there’s a perfect person out there for me somewhere and when I find her, I will undoubtedly commit to her.”

But again, he’s not going to find her because the perfect person isn’t out there and so he is left to choose from these imperfect women in his life. He can either become frustrated by it and continue his search elsewhere or he can disengage and pull away sharply.

Read: 10 Tips To Spot Emotional Unavailability: Before You Get Hooked

Many times emotionally unavailable men yo-yo in and out of your life. 

Obviously, the reason why they pullback is that they are taking a step back from the imperfection that is any person and he’s going to try and find somebody else.

Then, when he’s distant from you, all of your imperfections start to fade away in his memory and he starts to say, “She doesn’t seem that bad, maybe I should go back and give it another shot. Maybe I was like over-exaggerating this negative quality of hers. Maybe I was reading too much into it.”

So he comes back and then the cycle starts again where the closer he gets, the more imperfection he sees, and then he pulls back. That’s the modus operandi of the emotionally unavailable man.

Let’s talk about the opposite side of the coin, which is the emotionally unavailable woman. 

The emotionally unavailable woman is drawn to the emotionally unavailable man for different reasons, but it’s still based on idealism and perfectionism.

The emotionally unavailable woman idolizes the emotionally unavailable man because he has the power to prove wrong all of the limiting beliefs and insecurities that she may have about herself.

Like her worthiness, deservingness of love, and many other things from growing up, like what happened in childhood, past experiences, her broken heart from her first love, all of that stuff, right?

She is interested in the emotionally unavailable man because getting him to commit to her would prove everything else wrong.

It would prove her dad wrong, it would prove her first boyfriend who broke her heart wrong, it would prove all of her exes wrong, it would prove all of that stuff wrong and that, dang it, she actually is lovable.

The ironic twist is that typically, the emotionally unavailable man will simply validate all of those limiting beliefs, insecurities, and anxieties because he is unable or unwilling to actually commit to a relationship. 

The emotionally unavailable man tends to reinforce those beliefs and insecurities inside the woman. Typically, the emotionally unavailable woman is not interested in men who are emotionally available because it just doesn’t feel right. It just doesn’t feel the same. It doesn’t feel the way that she’s grown accustomed to interacting with men due to her previous disappointments, let downs and all of the limitings believes that she has. 

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