Normal and Chaos or Trouble Make Us Bond More Deeply
Being in love with a sociopath isn’t a casual connection. We’re deeply all-the-way in. We want the fairy tale to stay perfect. We hang on tenaciously even as we feel it shifting under our feet. We’re worried about connecting on a deeper level, maybe going to counseling together.
Concern about maintaining a home, paying bills, not wanting to break-up a family or fearing for our own future all keep us “in”. The things that string us along are subtle and hard to grab a hold of; sociopaths trap us in ordinary conversation by activating our normal emotional responses.
As decent, normal human beings when someone talks we feel we’re meant to listen. When someone asks a question we’re socially, culturally and innately programmed to give an answer. Never diminish the complete wrongness of any abuse. – Sociopaths are naturals at it because they don’t value us, or care for us. There’s no human connection.
Narcissistic Users, Sociopaths Don’t Care Which Emotion Hooks Us
Our response to their actions is a sign we’re hooked. That’s all they need.
1. Emotional Distractions:
– Humiliating us.
– Laughing at us.
– Putting us down.
– Calling us names.
– Making us feel guilty.
– Diminishing our feelings.
– Making us think we’re crazy.
– The silent treatment, ignoring us.
– Taking things, plans or privileges away.
– Treating us very well (only) in front of other people.
– Accusing and blaming us for things going wrong or failing.
– Comparing us to their last girlfriend or wife, who did things better.
2. Intimidation and Isolation:
– Making us afraid by using looks or gestures.
– Slamming doors, breaking things, throwing things.
– Yelling, scolding, ordering or driving us to do or not do something.
– Talking about killing and violence. Displaying weapons or physical force in any way.
– Telling us who our friends can be.
– Trying to keep us from family members.
– Creating an “us” and “them” existence.
– Acting jealous of our time, people we see.
– Using his jealousy to justify control of us.
– Manipulating where we go, when we must be home.
– Rules about or insinuating when we should or shouldn’t go out.
– Controlling anything: what we read, watch, social media, phone time.
– Avoiding meeting or seeing our family. Keeping us from their family.
– Having friends they won’t let us meet, places they won’t let us go with them.
– Having a friend who is held up as having the authority of opinion about our relationship.
3. Minimizing, Denying and Blaming:
– Belittling our ideas, feelings, opinions.
– Denying that things important to us, matter.
– Dismissing or ignoring or making fun of or being angered at what’s important to us.
– Setting us up to think everything is our fault.
– (Faking) illness to keep from talking about our concerns.
– Insulting how we take care of the home, kids or spend our time.
– Telling us it’s our fault they’re mean, or that things are going wrong.
– Using intimidation or belittling to keep us quiet about what concerns us.
4. Coercion and Threats:
– Threatening to commit suicide.
– Threats to report us to authorities.
– Making us drop charges against them.
– Sociopaths pretend illness to control us.
– Making or carrying out threats to harm, hurt or leave us.
– Telling us we get something only if we do something specific.
– Coercing us or charming us to do illegal or reprehensible things.
“Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke.”