My journey to wholeness
I’ve spent the first quarter of my life looking for someone to save me, validate me, and tell me I belonged. I was looking for wholeness, worth, and power outside myself and overly focused on external approval over internal satisfaction. I believed like a “good girl” would, that if things on the outside were “right” that I’d finally feel how I wanted to feel deep inside!
It seemed that somehow I was doing all the “right things” – I went to University here in Germany, graduated with an MSc. cum laude started my Ph.D.… – and perpetually felt “not enough”, wrong, and full of shame as these achievements didn’t seem to fulfill me. People kept saying I should learn to just ‘stay positive‘, ‘love myself’, ‘forgive myself’, and ‘accept myself’, but how can any of these exist without being aware of oneself?
I believe self-awareness is the starting point to living in our authentic power, wholeness, and worth. We all have parts of ourselves that are wanting to belong, waiting for recognition, waiting to be honored, waiting for permission. And if there is no one else to give it to us, we have to learn to become the one we are longing for ourselves.
As I continue on my healing journey, I’m learning to become more aware of the things below the surface, and hold space for the messy and unhealed parts. For the wounds that call for attention, care, and gentleness. And I invite you to do the same.
The stages to wholeness
This is the pathway as well as some “guidelines” that lead me to embrace my wholeness. These stages might not be the ones you will journey through, but maybe they will give you some ideas and encouragement on your own path.
I have come to know wholeness through my sense of brokenness, working deeply with my stories, beliefs, and parts of self. Healing and wholing happens through a process of facing fear and developing trust within yourself.
I believe that healing and wholing come from a place where you recognize that there is nothing to be “fixed” as there is nothing that is “broken”. People don’t break. They get hurt and then they heal. This doesn’t mean that the damage never existed it means that we no longer allow it to define us.
Wholeness is not a place where there is no pain, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of all of life’s challenges and still remember that you are complete. Wholeness does not mean perfection: it means embracing brokenness as an integral part of life. And it’s in this radical, authentic, soul-aligned way of living that we find we can belong everywhere we go because we belong to and with ourselves.
I’ve been on this journey home to myself for quite some time now and I am finally finding joy in the journey. Showing me it’s safe to belong. It’s safe to attune to myself and let myself be seen. It’s safe to soften my body and trust my feelings, whether they seem “good” or not. I would rather be whole than good!