5 Things Children Learn When Parents Cheat

 / 

, , ,
Things Children Learn When Parents Cheat

In the first few years of a child’s life, they look up to their parents. But their view might crumble when one of their parents cheat. Here are the effects of infidelity on children. It’s important to have a conversation when your child finds out you cheated. They may start to think that their family isn’t a safe abode, as they thought it to be.

I know that it feels like an affair is between grown-ups and something that kids will never know about but, if they do, the things that your kids learn when you cheat are quite significant and life-changing.

We parents work hard to set a good example for our children. We model kindness and honesty because we want our kids to be healthy and happy. And then we go and cheat, something that most likely goes against everything we have taught them. And, with the discovery of an affair, our parental modeling falls apart.

So, if you are considering having an affair, or are in one and wondering if it’s worth it, considering how it might affect your children is a really good idea.

Effects of Infidelity on Children: Parents Having Affair

Common effects of infidelity on children. Here are 5 things that your kids learn when you cheat on your spouse.

1. That they don’t need to self-soothe.

From almost the moment they are born, we try to teach our children to self-soothe. We let them ‘cry it out’ when they are falling asleep. We teach them how to manage their emotions and how to work through sadness or disappointment. It’s not an easy thing to teach, especially to adults who struggle to do so themselves.

I have a client who was miserable in her marriage. She had been for years and hadn’t been dealing with it because doing so was difficult. And then she met a co-worker who was in the same space and they were able to share their pain with each other. Before they knew it, their intimate conversations led to feelings of love and attraction. And the affair began.

For the first time in a long time, my client wasn’t miserable. For the first time in a long time, she felt joy and hope for the future. And it was intoxicating.

When she was with her man, she felt wonderful and when she wasn’t, she felt desperate. The pain she was dealing with for years came rushing back when she was living her normal life. Not being with her lover became unbearable.

When her affair was discovered, she tried to explain to her kids that she had been unhappy and that’s why the affair happened. What her kids learned there was that, if you are unhappy, it’s okay to reach out to other things to soothe them. Like an affair. Or alcohol or drugs. Not a good lesson, is it?

2. That marriage can be thrown away.

Effects of Infidelity on Children: When Your Child Finds Out You Cheated

Both of my parents had affairs when I was a child. I remember vividly going to the office with my dad and knowing that he was having an affair with a co-worker. A strange man used to call my mom all the time. She told us that ‘he was her lawyer.’

As a result, from a very young age, I knew that my parent’s relationship wasn’t important to either one of them. They might have pretended that it was but my brother and sister and I all knew it wasn’t. And, when they got divorced, we were proven exactly right.

My siblings and I, once we started dating, were notorious for never being able to stay in a relationship. We were always looking out for the next shiny thing. Our parents had not taught us how to have respect for a relationship or how to keep one healthy. So, we just stabbed around in the dark, trying to find a relationship that we might consider committing to.

My brother and my sister and I have all had marriages that ended in divorce. Two of us had affairs. We had all sworn that our marriages would be different from our parents and, yet, we had all, unwittingly, learned from their example and followed suit.

So, don’t kid yourself. Your kids are watching and they are learning from you. Don’t teach them that a marriage is not worth fighting for.

Read: Repeated Infidelity: 5 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself To Survive It

3. That they can’t trust their parents.

My father’s first affair happened when I was 7 years old. I was young but I knew, instinctively, that what my father was doing was wrong. By spending time with another woman he was betraying my mother. And by betraying my mother, he was betraying me.

A child’s relationship with their parents is one based on absolute trust. We need to trust them to learn how to walk, to learn how to interact with others, and to learn how to drive a car. They are the foundation of our path to adulthood. And when that trust is broken, our journey to being an adult can be severely damaged.

After the affair, I could no longer rely on them to tell me the truth. When they went to discipline me, I ignored them, knowing that they had nothing to teach me about right and wrong. As a result, my young adulthood was plagued with depression, alcohol, and toxic relationships.

That foundational relationship of my life, the one with my parents, one not based on trust, was too weak for me to grow into a healthy adult, one who could be in a healthy relationship with anyone, not even myself.

4. That marriages are toxic.

I would say that, almost without exception, affairs happen when relationships are bad. Affairs happen when the disconnect seems insurmountable and leaving seems impossible and the only solace is reaching for someone else.

Having Cheating Parents: How To Have A Healthy Relationship With Parents

And, when kids learn that their parents cheat, they are given a front-row seat to just how toxic marriage can be. The aftermath of the discovery of an affair is MESSY. Mommies are crying. Daddies are angry. No one is talking. Everyone is pretending that everything is ok but nothing is. This can go on for months or even years.

A child develops their view of marriage from watching their parents. I know that I wanted to believe that I could live happily ever after in my marriage but, in retrospect, I was pretty sure that I knew we wouldn’t make it in the long run. And I was right.

I truly believe that if I had lived in a family where the marriage was based on mutual respect and the ability to communicate, I would have known what a happy marriage looked like and known how to bring that into my own marriage. But that didn’t happen. And now my kids have two divorced parents. Just like I did.

Read: Telltale Signs That You are in A Toxic Marriage

5. That their family isn’t safe.

Effects of Infidelity on Children
How Infidelity Affects Children: The Effects of Parents Cheating

I know that I keep coming back to this but it’s important to say – that the health of a child’s family is the number one indicator of whether they will be healthy adults. And when an affair is discovered, that family is sickened, often beyond repair.

Think about back to when you were a kid. Think about family birthdays and holidays and vacations. Do you remember how much fun they were? Do you remember how safe you felt when your dad threw you into the water or your mom set down a cake covered with 10 burning candles? You knew that you could rely on these people. That they would always do the right thing for you.

An affair throws all of that into turmoil and, as a result, children no longer feel safe. If their father was willing to love someone other than their mother, how do they know that he won’t find some other children to love as well? If their mother has turned away from their father, how can they believe that she will always be there for them when they need her?

And, knowing that they don’t have a family to keep them safe makes them feel insecure about their place in the world and their hopes for the future. And with that insecurity they venture out into the world, unsure about their place in it.

Related: Is It Possible To Love Again After an Affair? How To Rebuild Trust After Being Cheated

I know that it’s hard to believe that there are things that you teach your kids when you cheat on your spouse. I mean, they should be separate right? The affair has nothing to do with the kids, after all.

Unfortunately, this just isn’t true. Children watch and they listen and they learn. They don’t miss anything. When something is off, they know. What they don’t know is what to do if something is off. And, so, they flounder and they act out and they suffer.

Studies have shown that children of cheaters are more likely to be cheaters than those whose parents did not cheat. And, knowing now the painful effect that infidelity can have on someone, wouldn’t you do anything to prevent your child from going through that pain? You wouldn’t intentionally hold your child’s hand to a hot fireplace but you put them right on the path to having an affair and suffering greatly!

So, think carefully about the things that you teach your kids when you cheat on your spouse as you make decisions about what the next steps are for you. After all, they should be the priority, right?

Having cheating parents can distort the concept of marriage and love for a child. The effects of parents cheating can be more detrimental than you think. So be careful with how you handle the situation.

If you found this article on the effects of infidelity on children to be interesting, share your thoughts on how does a cheating parent affect a child


Written By: Mitzi Bockmann
Originally Published In: Let Your Dreams Begin
Things Children Learn When Parents Cheat pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

8 Ways To Upgrade Your Relationship

Ways To Upgrade Your Relationship

Do you feel like your relationship has lost that spark from before? If you answered yes, then you should know that many couples go through this, which is why it’s important to know how to improve your relationship. This article is going to talk about how to strengthen your relationship and upgrade your relationship.

It seems like it should be natural to treat our partners with love, consideration, and respect. Yet, for many people in long-term relationships, the warmth and kindness that were present in the early days of dating can fade over time.

Most people treat their partners with the utmost respect and kindness in the courting stage. The relationship probably wouldn’t have progressed if they hadn’t. Why do so many people present the best version of themselves early on, and over time, treat their beloved partners with disrespect, di



Up Next

5 Ways To Rekindle The Spark In Your Relationship

Ways To Rekindle The Spark In Your Relationship

If you feel that the spark in your relationship is gone, then let me tell you something – you can rekindle the spark in your relationship again! Now the question is, how to reignite the spark in your relationship? How can you make your relationship feel like the olden days again? Let’s find out!

Remember the feelings you experienced when you first started dating your spouse or partner? Perhaps you felt excitement, attraction, and anticipation? As the relationship has progressed, has it been difficult to maintain those initial feelings?

Once life’s responsibilities, careers, kids, and the passing of time are added to the mix, that initial spark can easily diminish if we don’t keep it stoked.

Fortunately



Up Next

Is Your Relationship Fading Away? 9 Things You Can Do To Save It

Relationship Fading Away? Empowering Steps To Save It

Do you sense your relationship fading away, and the once vibrant connection you shared with each other is slowly dying? Being in a situation like this is heart-breaking to say the least. When it seems like you’re in a fading relationship, it’s common to feel confused and not know what to do next. But don’t worry, there’s still hope.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve hit a rough patch or you’ve just grown apart a bit – there are some really useful steps you can take to reignite that spark, and revive a fading relationship.

Let’s look at some of the ways that can help you breathe some new life into your relationshi



Up Next

4 Shocking Reasons Why You’re Losing Attraction To Your Husband And How To Reignite The Flame

Major Reasons Why You're Losing Attraction To Your Husband

Are you questioning the intensity of your attraction towards your husband? Perhaps you’ve noticed a gradual shift in your emotional and physical connection, leaving you feeling confused and concerned. What happens when you start losing attraction to your husband?

First of all, you are not alone. Today, let us talk about the delicate topic of losing attraction to one’s husband, exploring the various dimensions of this experience with empathy and understanding.

Whether you’re seeking solace or guidance, we aim to help you gain a better understanding of the situation by shedding light on the reasons behind losing attraction, its impact on relationships, and potential pathways towards rediscovering the spark.

The



Up Next

5 Stages Of A Dying Marriage: Is It Beyond Repair?

Painful Stages Of A Dying Marriage: Is It Beyond Repair?

Sometimes, just being married doesn’t guarantee happiness. And if the marital bond is withering away, there might not be much hope left. Here are 5 stages of a dying marriage and whether or not it can be revived.

There’s a point in every couple’s life where their once vibrant connection fades into obscurity. It’s a simple fact that not all marriages will stand strong. The journey from “I do” to “what happened” is filled with hard-to-swallow truths and plenty of emotions.

Understanding these stages of a dying marriage will let you recognize the tell-tale signs early on so you can work on issues when it’s easiest (and possible), allowing space to save everything you’ve built together.



Up Next

10 Unexpected Signs Of Cheating: How To Tell If Your Spouse Is Having An Affair

Unexpected Signs Of Cheating: Beyond the Obvious

If you are googling “surprising and unexpected signs of cheating” at 2 in the morning, then you’ve come to the right place. Well, we all have been there. Suspicion and doubt can sneak up like an uninvited guest when it comes to your spouse; something tells you that something is wrong, but you just can’t put your finger on it.

When it comes to infidelity, it’s not always about the lipstick on the collar or mysterious phone calls at night. There can be many subtle signs of cheating that you might overlook and miss out on.

So go grab some coffee (or something stronger) and explore all the hidden signs you spouse



Up Next

Bad Husband But Good Father? 8 Tips On How To Be A Better Dad And Husband 

Practical Tips on How to Be a Better Dad and Husband

Being married to a man who is a bad husband but a good father is a complex and challenging experience. It’s a situation where the joys and struggles of parenting coexist with the frustrations and disappointments of a strained marital relationship. So how to be a better dad and husband?

Today, we will try to gain a better understanding of the psyche of a bad husband but a good father and shed light on how you can encourage them to be both a better husband and father. Let’s dive in.

Who Exactly is a Bad Husband and Good Father?

A bad husband can be someone who falls short in their role as a partner. T