All children need to be truly seen and heard, to be acknowledged, to be loved unconditionally exactly as they are without having to turn into something else to receive love, (objectified), to not have to be a perfect fit of the caregivers perceived ideal of perfection, (a child is already perfect) but to just BE.
When this mirroring is inadequate, the narcissist is born. To lesser and greater degrees, it is comparing and competing; self-esteem is low so that it requires constant external validation of acknowledgment; in the relationship, there is a continual and repeated search outside the self for other who will fill the self: it always needs to be either seen and heard because if it is not “special”, it perceives its “ordinariness” is not worthy of love; or is afraid to be seen and heard in case it is not enough/good enough and is rejected. And of course, the most insidious trait that finally emerges is the inability to fully “see” another as the Divine Being they truly are because there has been no early modeling of this for them.
I use the term it purposely because this is a character structure and nothing to do with who the person really is.
We can see some of these character traits prevalent in today’s youth exhibited in the constant need for ‘selfies’ and external validation; In spiritual leaders who need to consistently proclaim their status; in titles and glamorization of ability; in business leaders who cannot relinquish control and see their team/employees/co-workers as objects to be manipulated and “less than”
For me the realization of what had occurred in this one interaction came flooding into my conscious awareness like a light bulb going on and I believe it was time locked in order to bring this whole topic into the light now at this crucial and yet most exciting time on earth.
This took place in the collective field of a group of leaders who are following an evolutionary impulse to move away from a hierarchical structure. And who, in that very moment, had been in discussion about how to do that. It is no surprise to me that this whole energy constellation was triggered and I am now writing this article
These hidden character traits of some of the most prolific spiritual and business leaders are existent across a vast spectrum. Our entire planet is currently run by this outdated model. In order to dismantle the hierarchical model of leadership finally requires us to deal with this COLLECTIVE SHADOW.
The behavior of the one or the circumstances mirroring the pattern holds the same issue. This is the trigger at a personal level. Here we have a choice.
We can either deny this or, as the light of understanding pours in, we can have full acceptance and surrender our judgmentalism. This means we do not condone the behavior, but also we do not condemn and in humility, we surrender our own ego’s narcissistic gain that arises when we judge another (I am superior to)
We hold deep compassion and forgiveness for ourselves and other. And then step away and fully into our own undistorted power expression. By relinquishing our emotionalized judgment we clear the way for peace and harmony.
Unless we do this work in ourselves first we are actually holding the energetics of this distorted energy in place in the collective. This is true for all the distorted energy patterns within human beings
There is a huge upside to these aha moments –
Even when we have done much work on our known issues there can still be pieces of the pattern hidden, just like there was in me – the TRUE GOLD beneath shadow work.
Because, what we do for ourselves we do for others and we shift consciousness exponentially the more work we do. The path of introspection is the only way to access these hidden portions of our unconscious minds and initially, we all need help to spot the patterns and eradicate the distortions.