4 Common Destructive Patterns That Makes You Go Back To Your Ex

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Common Destructive Patterns That Makes You Go Back To Your Ex

I never considered getting back with either of my exes. Not that they were chomping at the bit to be with me again, either; there was far too much water under the bridge.
Yet saying goodbye to love, or what you defined as love, can be a lot more difficult than you anticipate. And you can far too easily bounce back to an ex just to avoid the pain of letting go forever.

Letโ€™s look at some of the most common destructive patterns when you canโ€™t make a breakup stick.

The drama of the yoyo relationshipโ€ฆ

Many people break up and reconcile. Break up and reconcile. Break up and reconcile. These relationships can be quite dramatic, and in fact, for some, the very chaos of that pattern can be addictive. You can become so accustomed to life being full of traumatic, angry good-byes and reckless, seductive reunions that a more stable, healthy relationship seems boring in its wake.

And youโ€™re likely to exhaust the energies of friends and family who watch you do this over and over.

Related: What Is Love Addiction: 5 Symptoms Of Love Addiction And How To Stop It

The desperation of love addictionโ€ฆ

You can create problems by becoming obsessed with the search for love. Thereโ€™s even a diagnostic category of love addiction complete with specific symptoms. One highly acclaimed treatment center says this about the love addict:

Love addicts live in a chaotic world of desperate need and emotional despair. Fearful of being alone or rejected, love addicts endlessly search for that special someone โ€“ the person that will make the addict feel whole. Ironically, love addicts oftentimes have had numerous opportunities for the truly intimate experience they think they want. But they are much more strongly attracted to the intense experience of โ€œfalling in loveโ€ than they are to the peaceful intimacy of healthy relationships.

As such, they spend much of their time hunting for โ€œthe one.โ€ They base nearly all of their life choices on the desire and search for this perfect relationship โ€“ everything from wardrobe choices to endless hours at the gym, to engaging in hobbies and other activities that may or may not interest them, to the ways in which they involve others in conversations and social interactions.

This sounds like its own version of emotional hell to me โ€” acting on the belief that that perfect relationship will fix your inner fear. Healthy relationships donโ€™t complete your life. They enhance your already fulfilled life.

The bitterness and confusion of not getting emotionally divorcedโ€ฆ

Then thereโ€™s what I call emotional divorce. Perhaps youโ€™ve heard someone talking about their ex or their divorce, and the intensity of their anger or sadness feels raw and almost ugly. Yet when you ask, โ€œSo how long ago did the relationship end?โ€ The answer startles you, โ€œIt was five years ago.โ€  

Emotional divorce takes time, energy, and self-reflection. You have to take responsibility for your part of the failure or the struggle that was never reconciled. If not, you can remain bitter or despairing.

But many people do have fantasies about getting back together. They talk about what they did wrong and wonder if theyโ€™d still be together if theyโ€™d only tried harder. That kind of question is hard to face. Yet sometimes couples often donโ€™t want to do the hard work of letting go. So, they continue sleeping together, meeting late at night at Sonic, or spending significant time togetherโ€ฆeven if they know theyโ€™re holding on to a memory of what was and no longer is.

Related: When Love Feels Like An Addiction: 6 Signs of Relationship Addiction

Is it normal grieving or have I made a mistake?

But letโ€™s say you simply miss your ex, whether you were dating or married. How do you know if this is normal grieving or if youโ€™ve made a mistake? Relationships are a mixture of happy and not-so-happy. And remember, youโ€™re not only grieving your ex, but youโ€™re grieving all the effort you put into the relationship. That can take a reinterpretation of the relationship and your own history. 

addicted to ex or love

Here are some questions to consider when youโ€™re uncertain about your breakup.

1) Are you afraid of being alone or are you simply lonely? 

Loneliness, or the fear youโ€™ll not find another partner, can be much harder to handle than anyone expects. If youโ€™ve got kids together, you may miss those moments that you used to share; the type of moments that only the two people who brought these particular children into the world would find funny or tender.

So first, you need to build skills at handling being on your own, whether itโ€™s single parenting, or enjoying solo Saturday nights. Creating new routines, getting comfortable with your new life. I read an article yesterday by Dr. Patrick Carnes and his advice was: โ€œLearn how to turn loneliness into solitude.โ€ 

Once youโ€™ve accomplished this emotionally, youโ€™re far more likely to be assured โ€œgetting back togetherโ€ isnโ€™t based on fear.

Related: 5 Reasons Why Being Alone Is Definitely Not A Bad Thing

2) Are you romanticizing or idealizing the relationship that was? 

History and familiarity can be very comforting. You used to smile when he sang in the shower. You had a soft spot for the way she curled up next to you. You miss those things. And memory can romanticize โ€œthe way we wereโ€ and rediscovering passion can excite and seduce. But what has changed enough for you to trust that whatever broke you apart would be different now?

Try to be more reality-focused on the positives of your ex and the changes theyโ€™ve made; quote those reasons to yourself when youโ€™re considering rebooting the relationship rather than the more romantic memories. โ€œHe has a steady job now and seems to have matured.โ€ โ€œSheโ€™s much more giving than she used to be.โ€

But remember that your own changes, your own growth are the only things that you have control over. If you do try again, give the โ€œnewโ€ relationship between the two of you time to develop to see if you can build and maintain fresh patterns of communication and behavior. This will give you confidence that this relationship has far more healthy potential.

Related: What The Desire To Go Back To Your Ex Says About You

3) Do you believe you and your ex have the capacity to fully forgive? 

Forgiveness is key. Both of you must take responsibility for your end of whatever caused the break-up; this is vital for a relationship to reemerge. You have to talk through those disappointments and hurts, give apologies for the impact of your choices on the other, and not rationalize mistakes. What fresh information are you learning? Can you truly leave the past in the past? (This process can be healing whether itโ€™s for emotional closure or for actual reconciliation.)

But it has to be a two-way discussion, and forgiveness must be something you can both offer if you want to move forward into a healthy new chapter together.

4) How will you handle the reactions of others who supported you during the break-up?

Handling other peopleโ€™s reactions can be difficult as well. The people that love you witnessed the devastation, heard about the fights, the affair, or the silent treatment. They may have misgivings that they either voice openly or keep to themselves.

This is true especially if either of you has trash-talked the other. You may have done the work to forgive, but others may need more time to accept and trust this new alliance. Having open discussions with them about the work you two have done together to explain how things have changed might be necessary to have their support.

If you do decide to try again, remember you want to build a new relationship, with fresh patterns of communication and different expectations. You cannot go back. You canโ€™t recreate what was. But you can gently go forward.  


Written By Margaret Rutherford
Originally Appeared On Dr. Margaret Rutherford
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