There are different types of depression, and depressive disorders. They can range in symptoms from minor through to major and severe.
In my experience, I had no idea of these symptoms, nor of the effect, and who else would be affected when I went through depression. Growing up in an orphanage started it for me after my father passed away.
It was not a pleasant experience. In my thoughts, I was unsure what was going on and what would happen to me. I felt so lost. I did not know anything about living in an orphanage. All I knew was that I was away from my Mum and from the people I love to be with and who loved me.
Living life as I had at the orphanage left me feeling uncertain, I felt lost, I felt unsafe, and I lived in fear… Not to mention the mental, emotional, and physical abuse that I was subjected to and had never expected to happen, but it happened…
I got to a point where I ran away from the orphanage and ran to where my biological Mum lived. I could no longer put up with the harmful things they were doing to us at the orphanage which made my life unsafe.
My husband later revealed to me all the lies that they had told him against me while I was still in the orphanage as he was building a relationship with me through courtship. I knew that I just had to say to God my Father in heaven that if it is His will for me to be married to this man then let it be done according to what He says.
I continued to live with my mum after running away from the orphanage, not knowing or realizing that I was depressed. I know I was abused and hurt and that’s how it started. I did not know that there was a cure for it or that I could be medicated, or healed from this illness. When I came to Australia in 1998 and got married I was still suffering from depression, but the cruel thing is that I did not know.
I did not have a clue until I started to work and met people that were worse than those in the orphanage. When they realized that I grew up in an orphanage, I was badly bullied. I did not know at this stage that this is what you called bullies. I knew nothing about freedom of speech and my rights here in this new country I had come into. I thought Australia was a beautiful big Island with friendly people.
I kept silent because I thought this was the best course of action from having an escalating fight, and because I did not know how to respond, and did not have the courage to speak up and stand for the truth.
It came to a point where the bullies became too much for me, and as it continued to escalate it pushed me into suffering severe depression and I became mentally ill and had a psychotic episode… If I had known how to deal with it, and that I was suffering from depression for such a long time things might have been different.
Doctors placed me into a mental health hospital and put me in a room by myself, which I realize now wasn’t helpful because it just made me even more afraid because I was by myself. I really didn’t know what was going on…
To be honest, I was ill, and I thought that these people were trying to hurt me. I did not know exactly what was going on, and I did not want to take the medication that they gave me because I did not trust them I didn’t know them, and I thought that they were hurting me again and putting me to sleep.
I was alright taking my medication from the chemist, but sometimes I stopped taking them because I thought I was better, and I felt well. I thought I didn’t need the medication anymore, but I was wrong because I had a lack of understanding of how the medication works and how it would help me. I just presumed that; it was okay to stop taking the medications, but I was not accurate.
I was still up and down with my mood swings from good to not so good, then from bad to worse again. So, when I got out of the hospital, I felt relieved and told my husband that it didn’t really help me. Things got worse and I began to feel afraid to say anything to anyone for fear of being judged or rejected, and I suffered severe depression for over 20 years without medications.
Once I had been diagnosed and medicated, they had to try out different medications to help me find what worked for me. I just wanted to have a family to love me, pray with me, and listen to me… I prayed many times to my God asking Him to get me through it, and I prayed that my husband would get close to a Pastor.
Thankfully, my prayers were answered. My Pastor asked my husband to pray with him every Friday morning at the church at 5 am…. And through doing this, though I did not know they were praying for me at the time, as they kept doing this for a number of weeks, months to years… I then came to realize that they were praying for my breakthroughs…
As time passed, I started to open up to my husband and talk to him about the hurts that I went through, and that I had not dealt with them properly. I started to trust my husband and to realize that the truth was coming out of his mouth. I discovered all the lies that they had told me from the orphanage.
But through prayer and the right medications for me, I am as well as I am today, and I am breaking through the bullying and spitefulness from some of those at work that I am facing. Though I still have in the past put up with a lot of the rubbish I was getting at work by not saying a word to that person but ignoring her, I know I am now getting stronger on the inside of me, which she or they can’t break into.
As this is happening, I continue to relate to my husband and to people that I trust most that I know care for me and counsels me with good advice and support to help me deal with these bullies…
Relating what is going on to people that understand your situation, well, I can assure you it helps a lot to talk things through with people you trust most and that care for you… open up to them and deal with it immediately.
Through prayer, I can assure you God works miracles. All I did was believe and all you need to do is just believe that these feelings are just feelings, and the fact that I am bullied are just facts, but the truth is that I am more than a CONQUEROR, Daughter to the King of kings and Lord of lords. Nothing is impossible with God, for all things are possible with God.
All I had to do was believe, speak, and receive that I am who I am in Jesus – healed through the cross, my anxiety gone, and the fear of man dissolved… I worship my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength in Spirit and in Truth. I say to these mountains believing in my heart “be thou cast into the sea,” and it will be done for me. I Believe! Upon this rock, Jesus will build his church and the gates of hell will not prevail.
It’s a new day for me. I renew my mind instead of dwelling on the past hurts or people that hurt me. When I used to dwell on them, it caused me to have nightmares, dreaming about them hurting me. So, I changed what I thought about, what I talked about, and of course, I found a good counselor.
If you need one to counsel you, I can recommend finding someone that is great support, and who gives great advice. All you must do is, to be honest, and open with them. And if you’d like me to help you, please don’t hesitate to contact me or connect with me. I would be pleased to help and support you on your journey.
Having walked this journey through depression and anxiety myself I understand how difficult and lonely this illness of depression and anxiety can make you feel. So instead of thinking about those hurts and dwelling on them, be thinking of what is lovely, what is noble, and what is excellent and trustworthy….
I can assure you these helped me, and I hope and pray it will help you too. All the best! God Bless You!!!
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