Dealing With A Narcissistic Parent: 5 Steps That Can Help Children Cope With One

Written By:

Written By:

Dealing With A Narcissistic Parent 2

How to deal with a narcissistic parent? Communicating with a narcissistic parent or living with a narcissistic parent is without a doubt, one of the hardest and emotionally draining things a person can do, and even more so, when itโ€™s their child. This post is going to talk about what it entails when it comes to dealing with a narcissistic parent.

KEY POINTS

  • Non-narcissistic parents can take specific steps to help children attain emotional health and coping skills.
  • Goals are to decrease role-reversal, increase assertiveness, and decrease enmeshment.
  • A new coping skill includes shifting childrenโ€™s focus onto themselves and away from the self-centered parent.
  • Another coping skill involves recognizing that there are two people in the relationship between self-absorbed parent and child.

In many families, children spend time with a narcissistic parent. This true whether parents are married, never married or divorced. Self-focused parents create certain difficulties for their childrenโ€”boundary violations, role-reversal, enmeshment, lack of acknowledgment of feelings/emotions, being ignored, and impediments to individuation.

The difficulties can create feelings of low self-worth, guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, poor sense of agency, and lead to self-destructive behaviours (Maatta et al).

Much literature focuses on how to help young adults deal with their narcissistic parents once they are grown (Covert, 2020, Foster, 2019, Hart, 2019, & Overt, 2019). But, what about ways to help young children still living with narcissistic parents?

Related: Co-Parenting With a Narcissist: The Impossible Dream

Goals of Better Helping Children Cope

Parents who are not self-focused seek to help children grow in developmentally healthy ways. They also want their children to have good self-esteem and confidence and the ability to share feelings and voice opinions (Jabeen et al, 2021 & Brummelman & Sedikides, 2020).

The core pathology of narcissistic people is an over-involvement with their own wants and needs. This means they exclude their children from consideration as important and separate people. Instead, they become enmeshed and emotionally rely on their children for emotional nurturance, as if the children were there to parent them.

Here are three goals to help children better deal with self-absorbed parents:

  • One goal is to lessen the role reversal. This unburdens children from feeling they must care for and emotionally nurture parents.
  • A second goal is to increase childrenโ€™s sense of being an individual and decrease enmeshment with a self-focused parent.
  • A third goal is to create experiences with another type of parentingโ€”from an empathetic parent who acknowledges their childrenโ€™s individuality and right to their own feelings and opinions.
Dealing with a narcissistic parent

How Non-Self-Focused Parents May Help Their Child

Since narcissistic parents often marry and divorce non-self-absorbed mates, it is the non-self-absorbed parents who can best help their children discover how to cope and grow emotionally (Martin & Adams, 2018).

In talks with your children, allow to unfold your childrenโ€™s observations and feelings about their self-centred parent. Do not grill them. Donโ€™t refute or correct. Instead, listen and accept their feelings and thoughts about what it all means to them. Help them label the behaviours of the self-centred parent that aggrieve them. Help them name their emotional reactions to this parent.

Ask children to think of solutions they propose for dealing with their narcissistic parent. Then try role-playing different scenarios with them.

You may need professional mental health help for yourself and your child as you do this. Do not be afraid to seek it out. And, do not allow any bullying or abuse of your child by the narcissistic parent. Take appropriate steps to report any such instances to legal authorities and to get help intervening if it occurs.

Dealing With A Narcissistic Parent: 5 Steps to Improved Emotional Health for Your Child

To attain the identified goals, here are five suggestions that may decrease enmeshment, increase your childโ€™s sense of control of her/his life, increase self-confidence and esteem, and provide new coping skills for interactions with the narcissistic parent.

Step One

Empathic parents must practice what they preach. They need to practice in their own routines what they suggest to their children. They must demonstrate how to secure their own boundaries and how not to be manipulated by the self-absorbed parent.

Related: 18 Signs Of A Narcissistic Co-Parent and How To Deal

Step Two

To remove the selfish parent from your childโ€™s spotlight, remind your child that the narcissistic parent is fully able to take care of himself/herself.

Saying something like, โ€œHe (or she) took care of himself long before you were born and he can do it now,โ€ helps your child feel less responsible for the selfish parentโ€™s welfare. Again, the non-narcissistic parent needs to behave in a way that demonstrates demonstrates the appropriate behaviourโ€”no catering or giving in to the self-absorbed parent.

Step Three

Help your child increase the focus on himself/herself. โ€œWhat should a seven-year-old (or ten-year-old or thirteen-year-old) be thinking about and doing at your age?โ€ is a question to ask that will draw your child back to a focus on him or her in the here and now.

Shouldnโ€™t a seven-year-old be focused on school, friends and play activities? Shouldnโ€™t a ten-year-old also be involved in sleepovers, movies, reading, outdoor games? Shouldnโ€™t a fifteen-year-old be interested in the opposite sex, in shopping, extracurricular activities, sports, music, as well as academics?

Dealing with a narcissistic parent

Step Four

Discuss with your child the importance of recognizing there are two people in every relationship. One person does not get all the air time and does not get to dictate how the other person feels and acts.

Children do have a right to make their views and feelings known, even if the self-centred parent does not want to listen or acknowledge their views. Again, the non-narcissistic parent must model the how-to behaviour, since children learn what they see demonstrated more than what they are told.

Help your children express their thoughts, opinions, and feelings to their self-absorbed parent by discovering how to say something like:

โ€œYouโ€™re not the boss of what I think or feel.โ€

โ€œHereโ€™s what I think or how I react to what you say/do/ tell me to do.โ€

Related: 6 Kinds of Emotional Abuse by Narcissistic Parents

Step Five

For children unhappy with and struggling with joint custody when parents are divorced, I add another step. This is for children spending around fifty percent or more time with a self-focused parent and who want to spend less time with that parent.

I suggest urging them to speak up and make their desires known to that parent. This is the direct opposite of what narcissistic people want. They do not want to hear otherโ€™s ideas. They want to be the boss of everyone.

Discovering how to say something like, โ€œI want to spend more time with Dad (or Mom). Please let me,โ€ will grow your childrenโ€™s sense of agency, of asking for what they need, and of believing they are equally important in the relationship.

These five steps are aimed at giving children with narcissistic parents the agency they need and the resilience to become whole and confident, even when faced with the adversity of a self-focused parent who wants to tune them out, berate them, or manipulate them.

Check out her website to see more blogs, podcasts and articles. Also, donโ€™t forget to check out her amazing book, Living on Automatic: How Emotional Conditioning Shapes Our Lives and Relationships.

Living on Automatic: How Emotional Conditioning Shapes Our Lives and Relationships

References:

Brown, N. (2021) Children of the Self-Absorbed, New Harbinger, Oakland, CA.

Brummelman, E., Sedikides, C. (2020), Raising children with high self-esteem (but not narcissism), Child Development Perspectives, 14(2): 83-89.

Covert, T.J. (2020) Narcissistic Fathers: The Problem with Being the Son or Daughter of a Narcissistic Parent and How to Fix It, Independently Published, 15 March, 2020.

Foster, C. (2019) Narcissistic Parents. The Complete Guide for Adult Children, Independently
Published, 27 September, 2019.

Hart, A. (2019) Narcissistic Fathers, Independently Published, 27 February, 2019.

Jabeen, F. et al. (2021) Healing the next generation: An adaptive agent model for the effects of parental narcissism, Brain Informatics, 8(1):1-20.

Maatta, M. et al (2020): โ€œShe does not control me anymore but I can hear her voice sometimesโ€โ€“ โ€“a phenomenographic research on the resilience perceptions of children who have survived from upbringing by a narcissistic parent, European J. of Education Studies, (6) 12.

Martin, H.B. & Adams, C.B.L. (2018) Living on Automatic: How Emotional Conditioning Shapes Our Lives and Relationships, Praeger, Santa Barbara, CA.

Overt, C. (2019) Narcissistic Mothers and Grown Up Daughters: The Hell of Narcissistic Family, Kindle, 15 December, 2019.

Written By Christine B. L. Adams M.D.
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
living with narcissistic parent

— Share —

Published On:

Last updated on:

,

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

Should Parents Set Consequences for Misbehavior or Not?

Should Parents Set Consequences For Misbehavior? Key Points

You want your child to grow up responsible and disciplined, but should you set consequences for misbehavior? Let’s learn the right balance between discipline and understanding.

Should we set consequences for our children when they don’t do what we want?

Key points

Research shows that physical punishment predicts negative outcomes in children.

Authoritative parenting has been found to be the most effective style that yields the happiest children.

Parents need to be able to tolerate their children being upset, disappointed, sad, or even angry with them.

Up Next

Does Gentle Parenting Work?

Does Gentle Parenting Style Work? Important Things To Know

Can setting firm boundaries with kindness raise well-behaved kids, or does it lead to entitlement and defiance? Let’s learn more about gentle parenting style!

A look at the data on gentle parenting.

Key points

The concept of Gentle Parenting is not based on scientific data.

Gentle Parenting does incorporate some very good parenting techniques.

Gentle Parenting may ask too much of parents.

What Is Gentle Parenting Style?

Up Next

Let Kids Be Kids? 6 Identifying Signs of Hurried Child Syndrome

Clear Hurried Child Syndrome Symptoms

Some of us felt the pressure to grow up too fastโ€ฆ meet deadlines, succeed academically, and always be on top of thingsโ€”before we were even ready. It turns out, this pressure is real for some children today, and itโ€™s called Hurried Child Syndrome. Letโ€™s explore more about this condition.

What Is Hurried Child Syndrome?

Wondering what is Hurried Child Syndrome? It re

Up Next

Hovering Too Hard? 7 Mistakes Parents Who Overparent Often Make

Mistakes Parents Who Overparent Make: Hovering Too Hard?

Itโ€™s easy for parents who overparent to fall into the trap of doing too much in the name of love and care. But sometimes, all that hovering and controlling can backfire in surprising ways. Letโ€™s break down the seven common mistakes and how to avoid them!

KEY POINTS

Overprotective parenting can have a negative impact on childrenโ€™s mental health and relationships.

If you recognize any of these signs in yourself, itโ€™s important to take steps to change your behavior.

Encourage your child to try new things, let them make mistakes, take risks, and solve problems on their own.

Up Next

Is Your Daughter in a Controlling Relationship? 9 Ways to Help Her Break Free

Daughter in a Controlling Relationship? Things You Can Do

Have you ever had a very strong gut feeling that your daughter might not be in a healthy relationship? Or that she is in a relationship with a controlling boyfriend? Today we are going to talk about what you can do, when you have a daughter in a controlling relationship.

Yeah, itโ€™s a tough pill to swallow. Bossy boyfriends sneakily isolate, manipulate and dim the light in the people they date. And if your daughter is dating someone like this, then it’s understandable how tough it can be to watch that.

However, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel – as her mother, you can help her break free from her controlling boyfriend. This isnโ€™t about swooping in like a superhero; itโ€™s about being smart, supportive, and steady.

First, let’s start with trying to understand who a controlling boyfriend

Up Next

8 Undeniable Signs She’s Destined to Be an A+ Mom

Qualities of a Good Mother That Guarantee A+ Parenting!

Moms are superheroes, plain and simple. But being a great mom isnโ€™t just about keeping the fridge stocked and making sure homework gets done. Itโ€™s about making your kids feel loved, valued, and truly understood. Moms are often the first and biggest influence in a childโ€™s life, shaping how they see themselves and the world.

Being a good mom is about way more than just keeping a kid alive (though, yes, thatโ€™s non-negotiable). Itโ€™s about showing up with love, wisdom, and that unshakable belief in her kidโ€™s potential. Moms help mold who we are and how we see the world.

Up Next

Divorce And Holidays: 5 Co-Parenting Tips To Help Kids Enjoy Christmas

Helpful Divorce And Holidays Coping Tips For Parents

The festive season is often described as the most wonderful time of the year. However, divorce and holidays can be tricky to navigate for some families, itโ€™s not only challenging for kids but also for their parents.

Children deserve to be in happy and healthy homes, a safe space to enjoy and make memories rather than facing bickering fights and drama.

If youโ€™re co parenting on Christmas, create a holiday season thatโ€™s joyful and comforting for your children. Below are five practical divorce and holidays coping tips to help your kids enjoy the festivities, even after a separation or divorce.