5 Reasons Why You Always End Up Dating The Wrong Person

5 Reasons Why You Always End Up Dating The Wrong Person

Couples today are trying to more equally share their resources of time, energy, and availability. Still, it can be a scary delusion if one feels that financial success automatically supersedes the personality characteristics of a great, long-time partner. Those who make financial security a top priority in their search for partners may end up materialistically richer, but emotionally poorer.

 

4. Counting on Change

Most relationships start out with more wonderful aspects than worrisome ones. The proportions of more intriguing and satisfying behaviors are clearly greater than those that irritate. That makes “the deal” desirable for both partners. Many new daters believe that their partner’s negative characteristics will never outweigh the positive ones.

Unfortunately, that rarely turns out to be true. The negatives of a relationship may seem proportionately smaller at the beginning of love but can wear on either partner over time, especially if they increase. Something that seems almost irrelevant in the midst of lust and romance can become a major irritation as time goes by.

Most relationships I’ve seen end with many of the positive aspects of the relationship intact, even if they have been buried by bad experiences. Both partners often can tell me exactly what attracted them to each other when they were first together. They then confess that things they thought would change, became hurdles they could not get by.

5. Believing that the Perfect Love Exists

If you know what you need to feel deeply loved in the long term, it is crucial that you do not have a rigid template of perfect love. This is especially true if you have been repeatedly disillusioned by partners who seem to be what you want early in your relationships, but always end up disappointing you in the long run.

The Perfect love is imperfect in its uniqueness and its ability to transform as life challenges. There are no pre-templates that guarantee its existence or its sustainability. But there are certain virtues that most all long-term successful intimate partners have in common. They may not have the characteristics of the perfect mate in what that means to you right now, but they wear unbelievably well over time.

Yes, there has to be some kind of attraction to any partner you choose. Yes, you want to agree on the important aspects of life’s dreams. Yes, you need to be a team, supporting each other’s commitments. And yes, you have to stay connected to your mutual dreams when times are tough.

But great long-time partners don’t only abide by those classic relationship rules. Long-term desirable partners are just good people everywhere in their lives. They are authentic, accountable, resilient, forgiving, focus on solutions rather than problems, treasure what they have, uninterested in time-wasting, repeated, negative interactions, non-possessive, supportive, un-buyable, self-caring, treasuring souls. They rock with unexpected crises, and they build when things are broken. They learn from mistakes and innovate when they are stuck.

The closer you can become to attaining those characteristics, the better chance you’ll have of attracting someone equally desirable, regardless of the odds.

The perfect love does not happen from a pre-written script that someone else has to buy in to. It is created by two people who keep deepening their love for each other as life happens.

If you try to make an up-front deal with a finished product, you may be forever limited by its initial presentation.


Written by Randi Gunther Ph.D.
Originally appeared in Randi Gunther, Ph.D.

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5 Reasons Why You Always End Up Dating The Wrong Person

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