How A Narcissist Plays You And How Their Cycle Of Abuse Works

They’re testing your boundaries. If you accept their promises to never do that again, they’ll know they’ve got away with it and can do it again.

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How Narcissists gain control of their Victims

The cycle of abuse has begun.

The highs you have with them can be so wonderful and intense, you feel amazing. But, it’s followed by this tension that builds until something triggers them to explode.

The lows get lower, the highs fewer and further between.

You’re always chasing that high, trying to find that good person again. You change your behavior, even more, believing if you do, you can get that nice side of them again.

You’re forever trying to change, to fix things and make peace again.

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All the while, they are stripping you of your self-esteem. To the point where you start to believe you’re worthless.

They convince you that you deserve this abuse, that it’s your fault.

You start to accept more than your fair share of responsibility for that relationship. You are taking responsibility for their actions and behavior. They’re blaming you and you’re starting to believe them.


The Cycle of Abuse is Hard to Break From

This cycle of abuse is pervasive and hard to break free from. Not least because they also use manipulative tactics such as:

1. Gaslighting – where they tell you that you imagined their abuse. You’re too sensitive or you’re exaggerating it.

2. Mirroring – where they project onto you their own toxic behavior. They say you’re the one creating drama when it’s them.

This is manipulative behavior.


By the time you realize you’re in an abusive relationship, your self-esteem is so low. It’s almost impossible to find the courage to leave.

You’ve also become dependent on them. Your abuser has made you feel so low, yet they can lift you back again with one hug and the words:

I’m so sorry, I love you.

This is what you are longing for and need to make you feel better. They trap you in this distorted and dysfunctional cycle of abuse.

The person abusing you is the only person who can make you feel good again.

If any of this sounds familiar to you then I would urge you to get out. The longer you stay in the cycle of abuse the harder it is to leave.

I know because I’ve been there. Leaving an abusive relationship was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.

Get help and support because you can’t do it alone.

A lot of us stay in that cycle of abuse because we believe the loving person we always see after the abuse is the real them. They’re not this nasty abuser. It’s not their fault.

If we can just love them more, prove to them we are worthy, then we’ll get that wonderful person. They will love me and everything will be okay.

It’s a false hope and a false promise. You will only go on chasing that elusive first high you felt. It will never feel as high again.

We are also hoping for closure. For them to admit their bad treatment of us, accept responsibility and blame for it. Tell us they’re going to get help and are finally going to change.

You could be waiting forever for that to happen. You could also end up dying.

Two women are murdered every week by an intimate partner. Men are the victims of abuse too.

If you are in this cycle of abuse, please get help and support to get out now.
The longer you stay the harder it will be to find freedom.


Final Thoughts

When you love someone from the bottom of your heart, it is difficult to let that person go. But, after a point, you need to think about yourself and your mental health. If by being in an unhealthy relationship is doing you more harm than good, then you need to cut the cord and build a peaceful life of your own.

One of the worst ways a narcissist plays you is by making you believe that you cannot function without them.

Prove them wrong.

Always remember, that you are your own person and you have got only one life. Take control of your life and live it on your own terms.

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Vivian McGrath
Vivian McGrath is a TV Exec Producer making documentaries for US/UK and Australian television networks. She’s a survivor of domestic violence, motivational speaker and empowerment coach. It’s her mission to help women recover from abusive relationships, fall back in love with themselves and never settle for anything less than they deserve again! Watch her free Masterclass here:
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