The Cure For An Imperfect Childhood

Cure for Imperfect Childhood

As more evidence comes in over time, our self-concept changes. Slowly our awareness brings to light that we truly are, that is, our essential nature, undistorted by past conditioning. We can begin to see ourselves through the loving eyes of a partner who can reflect the value and worth back to us and become free of the distorted perspective of our parents who were incapable of seeing us we truly were.

As we let grow beyond our past perceptions and recognize our parents’ experience, we may find compassion and forgiveness towards them, freeing up a tremendous amount of energy for the present. When both partners consciously commit to a contract of mutual healing, the possibilities are endless.

Healing from an imperfect childhood
Healing from an imperfect childhood

If we can learn to override defensive, conditioned patterns with curiosity and wonder rather than reactivity, we can begin to discover what needs to happen in order to heal our painful wounds. We allow our partners to be our healers and return the great favor by healing their sore places as well.

The net result being that we live with peace of mind, trust that we are enough and not too much, believing that we are effectual, can set and realize goals, feel deserving of having our needs met, our desires fulfilled, and above all trusting that we are worthy of love. The overt contract to be each other’s healer is a good deal, and the benefits are exquisite.

Marriage can be a fine addition to therapy.

It’s not just marriage that has healing effects; it’s the kind of marriage. The quality of the relationship is of utmost importance. Both partners need to participate. It’s not enough to just get married to find a good person, and it’s not enough to be motivated to use the relationship as a healing path.

Both partners need to be committed to doing whatever is necessary to have the therapeutic effect take place. Therapy is not the only way to heal from childhood wounds, nor is it necessarily the best way. It’s certainly one useful method for a lot of people. But the relationships that are grounded in a shared intention to promote well-being in the lives of each partner can produce profound results as well.

Related: 7 Daily Rituals Happy Couples Use To Cultivate Lasting Love

Not only is it possible to have a great relationship after coming from a dysfunctional family but the pain of the dysfunction has become the motivation to do the work to create something more satisfying.

In fact when we finally establish a functional family, the gratitude and satisfaction that is enormous.

We savor the level of well-being that we enjoy now because of the sharp contrast with life in our family of origin. We learned tremendous lessons about what not to do from our original family, put those teachings into practice to establish a relationship, and life, worth living with exquisite appreciation.

How did you heal yourself from imperfect childhood? Leave a comment below


Written by Linda and Charlie Bloom
Originally appeared in Psychology Today
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The Cure For An Imperfect Childhood

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Linda and Charlie Bloom

Linda Bloom, LCSW and Charlie Bloom, MSW have been trained as psychotherapists and relationship counselors and have worked with individuals, couples, groups, and organizations since 1975. They have lectured and taught at universities and learning institutes throughout the USA, including the Esalen Institute, the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health, 1440 Multiversity, and many others.  They have taught seminars in many countries throughout the world. They have co-authored four books, 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last, Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth From Real Couples About Lasting Love, Happily Ever After And 39 Other Myths About Love, and That Which Doesn't Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger at the Broken Places. They have been married since 1972 and are the parents of two adult children and three grandsons. Linda and Charlie live in Santa Cruz, California. Their website is www.bloomwork.comView Author posts