“I’m really done with this relationship but I’m not going anywhere until she’s more stable. I don’t want the guilt of leaving her feeling abandoned like the guy before her did, but she’s literally driving me crazy. I don’t want to spring it on her, but every time I even bring up that we’re not doing so well, she either starts crying or acting like some kind of sycophant to a rock star. That just makes it harder. I told her to get some therapy, but she won’t. I don’t know what to do.”
“Whenever I try to talk to my boyfriend about the ways I want him to touch me, he immediately flips it and tells me that I am never satisfied with anything he does and it becomes a huge drama. I’ve tried everything I can to approach him in the right way, but nothing works. I know I’m building resentment and pulling away but he just can’t seem to see it.”
“My wife is so caught up with the kids that she pretty much falls into bed at night without even saying ‘good night.” I wanted these twins even though she wasn’t as crazy about the idea, but I didn’t think it meant that our relationship would be sacrificed. I know if I tell her how I feel, she’ll just think I’m a needy wimp and tell me I should help more or something like that. And, if I didn’t mention it, no sex for six months. I’m beginning to watch porn to get off, and I can tell you, that would not go over well.”
What are the Areas You Must Share Even if you Have to Risk Your Relationship?
No one wants a negative surprise. They are a two-edged sword of humiliation and disappointment. In any relationship that you value and want to continue, you must be willing to share anything that might currently or in the future endanger your partner emotionally or physically, no matter how hard that may be to share.
But when? In a new relationship, there are only a few that must be shared up-front because your partner’s finding out later could end the relationship.
Some examples of early confessions might be:
- You may be in danger of developing a hereditary disease
- You have an STD
- You are deeply in debt
- You have a criminal record, even if it expunged
- You have a prior partner who has a vendetta against any new person you care about.
If your new relationship develops and begins to form a sustainable bond, you then need to uncover the parts of you that are closer to your heart. Examples might be:
- You no longer speak to your family
- You have trouble with managing money
- You have strong political or social biases
- You have sexual anxieties
If the two of you eventually become an exclusive relationship, to make family and friends a regular part of your social circle, and to begin making future plans, you must both be able to share those experiences that are more vulnerable or might require your partner to understand why you act the way you do.
For instance, you could have been raped in the past and certain words and phrases that your partner may innocently say during love-making remind you of that terrible assault?
Or, your dream job might require a lot of travelling and you don’t know how that would affect a family. Perhaps you have a checkered past but are fearful that your partner would not have approved of what you used to be, but have left behind?
Or, you might have given up your faith in a God and fear that your partner’s deep faith would make her no longer trust you?
You might be harboring terrible guilt for something you have done in the past that still haunts you?
Future Experiences Not Yet Known
All people change as they go through life. Old desires and dreams are replaced with new ones. Great relationships are all about new discoveries which can only come from continuous personal transformation. Transformation creates change and change creates new thought and feelings.