8 Tips For Co-Parenting With An Ex You Detest

tips for co parenting

4. Avoid using your kids as spies, messengers, allies, or confidantes.

It is normal to want to know what goes on at “the other house.” But if your kids feel like you are probing them with your questions, they will feel caught in the middle. It is a burden because it puts your kids into a loyalty bind.

5. You don’t have to have the same rules and expectations at each house.

If you are able to have similar rules, it does make the transition easier for the kids. But if you didn’t agree when you were married, you probably aren’t going to agree now.

a. But that is okay as long as you and your ex are no longer arguing. Your kids will adjust to your different homes. Kids learn that some things are ok at mom’s house, but not at dad’s. They may learn that mom expects them to make their beds in the morning, but dad does not.

b. This will not cause lasting damage to them. But the ongoing conflict between you and your ex will.

Related: 7 Tips for Communicating with Your Children About Your Divorce

6. Letting go is key.

You and your ex both probably think that you are good parents. Nearly all parents have differences in parenting style.

To co-parent successfully, you’ll need to let go of those differences when you can’t agree. Take some breaths, vent to a friend (not your kids), and then move on. You will heal more quickly from the divorce if you can do this.

Want to know more about successful coparenting? Check this video out below!

7. Stay on your side of the fence.

You or your ex may feel that the other parent is controlling or intrusive. This could trigger a fight, but it doesn’t have to. Let it go. It calls for restraint.

Don’t let your ex know when you are critical of his/her parenting unless s/he asks for your feedback or advice. And if your ex is giving you unwanted feedback or advice, just say “thank you for your input” and leave it at that.

8. Your kids don’t need to know what you think of your ex.

Adjusting to divorce takes time and healing. At the same time, you have to learn how to help your children through the divorce. One way is to co-parent effectively with your ex even if you hate each other. Focus on your kids and minimize the friction between you and your ex.

Related: 7 Ways To Help Your Child Cope-Up With Your Divorce

These tips will help you move from parenting in marriage to successful and cooperative co parenting after divorce.

If you have a question or would like to comment you can go to my Facebook page to join the conversation.

© Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. 2021



Written By Ann Gold Buscho
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
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8 Tips For Co-Parenting With An Ex You Detest
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Ann Gold Buscho Ph.D.

Dr. Buscho is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in family issues and issues related to divorce, parenting, parenting planning, and co-parenting counseling. She has professional and personal experience in nesting, co-parenting, step-parenting, and single-parenting issues. She has presented widely at the state and national conferences for attorneys, mental health professionals, and financial professionals on collaborative divorce, forgiveness practices, nesting during divorce, and consensual dispute resolution. Dr. Buscho is also a co-founder of a residential treatment program for traumatized emergency responders and their families at which she volunteers regularly.View Author posts