Co-Parenting With a Narcissist: The Impossible Dream

 / 

,
CoParenting With a Narcissist

Co-parenting with a narcissist is nothing short of a difficult and traumatizing experience. However, co-parenting with them, or even parallel parenting with a narcissist is doable and manageable. Almost impossible but manageable.

KEY POINTS

  • Co-parenting is not an option for those with narcissistic traits and behaviors.
  • Creating a custody plan with a narcissistic ex-partner is a task best left to legal professionals.
  • A narcissist will do anything to cause problems in their co-parent’s personal life and ruin their relationship with the child.

Co-parenting with a narcissist is impossible. At best, one can adopt a method of parallel parenting with strict boundaries and legal protection. A narcissist craves total control of a situation that keeps them calling the shots and setting the standards. What are the signs of co-parenting with a narcissist, and can the situation be salvaged?

Traditionally, co-parenting is described as when any adult assists the parents with the care and support of raising children including grandparents, aunts and uncles, and close friends. The concept of โ€œco-parentingโ€ as it relates to modern divorce and custody situations has only been widely studied since the 1970s.

Modern co-parenting is one that enables both parents to coordinate support, care, and control of the children without residing in the same household or being in a relationship together.

This equates to sharing the childโ€™s schedule, appointments, school issues, daycare and babysitting needs, medical needs, and more while still respecting the other parent as a separate entity.

Related: Covert Narcissist Parent: 8 Horrible Ways A Covert Narcissist Mother Affects Her Children

Boundaries of Co-Parenting

The concept of respect and privacy is why narcissists are unable to fully grasp proper, boundary-specific co-parenting. Shared custody of a child does not suggest that parents need to exchange their own personal schedules and itineraries.

Obviously, work schedules need to be shared and pickup or drop off times coordinated, but only within the constraints of the childโ€™s wellbeing.

Co-parenting, especially in a high-conflict divorce, does not mean being friends, spending holidays and vacations together, or getting permission from the other parent to date. Once a couple breaks up and separates, they are no longer a single unit and are free to date and spend their time how they choose.

Unfortunately, this equals a loss of control for the narcissist, and they react like a hurricane: explosively, violently, and determined to cause permanent damage.

A narcissist cannot just let the child go to the other parent for the weekend or even a few hours with no fuss. Conflict escalation, conflict creation, perceived slights, and any other minor snag in the schedule will be exaggerated and placed as blame on the shoulders of the non-narcissistic parent.

The narcissistic parent will attempt to impede upon the other parent’s time as much as possible through phone calls or texts or insist on attending activities with the other parent. Invasion of privacy doesnโ€™t stop when the children are handed back to the narcissist. The narcissist will then insert themselves into the other parentโ€™s personal life.

co-parenting with a narcissist
co parenting with a narcissist

Parallel Parenting

Parallel parenting is a good option for a parent to carve out a new life without the narcissistic parent but can also be a struggle to implement. It must be accompanied by strong boundaries and solid legal paperwork.

Narcissists are unable to keep promises and believe their lies as truth; without a legal agreement, nothing can be upheld. Parallel parenting limits the interaction between the parents and each parent adheres to their own decisions, activities, actions, and parenting style.

Related: 18 Signs Of A Narcissistic Co-Parent and How To Deal

Signs of a Narcissistic Co-Parent

CoParenting With a Narcissist info

A narcissist will find any way possible to complicate the other parentโ€™s life, including:

  • Demanding to know all plans and activities that took place (or will take place) during the other parentโ€™s time;
  • Refusing to hand the child(ren) over for the other parentโ€™s time;
  • Texting or calling the parent, the child, (or both!) nonstop during the other parentโ€™s time;
  • Questioning the child(ren) about everything that happened with the other parent, including what they ate, where they went, who they saw, etc. and then starting fights with the other parent;
  • Telling the children to record or take photos of the other parent, the house, activities, etc and sending them to the narcissistic parent to file unfounded claims with child protective services;
  • Involving the child(ren) in mental and psychological games, such as planning elaborate vacations or being the parent with no rules or punishments, and comparing everything to the other parentโ€™s ability to plan or provide;
  • Harassing or cyberbullying the other parentโ€™s friends, family, or new romantic partner;
  • Attempts to isolate the child(ren) from seeing anyone the narcissistic parent doesnโ€™t โ€œapproveโ€ of, even without reason. This could also include other family members or the other parentโ€™s friends;
  • Insisting on celebrating holidays or special events together โ€œas a familyโ€ despite the other parent not agreeing. Even when told no, the narcissistic parent will either show up (โ€œItโ€™s a public event!โ€) or guilt the children and other parent;
  • Alternately, will try to control other people who show up to events. (โ€œYou can come, but your new wife isnโ€™t allowed.โ€)
  • Telling the children their other parent โ€œwonโ€™t allow themโ€ to be a family or spend time together and turning themselves into the suffering victim;
  • Refusing to abide by the custody schedule or rules, such as moving school districts or failing to give notice about taking the child out of state;
  • Changing their schedules or the childrenโ€™s schedule without consulting with the other parent and telling them of changes at the last minute, forcing the other parent to accommodate and change their schedule;
  • Harassing and cyberbullying the other parent until they give in to demands;
  • Threatening to bankrupt or ruin the other parent;
  • Attempting to seduce the other parent when a new relationship is started;
  • Manipulating text conversations and presenting out-of-context statements to people in order to ruin the other parentโ€™s reputation, friendships, or relationships;
  • Spreading lies and rumors about the other parent or the other parentโ€™s new romantic partner to make themselves look better, sometimes using this to cause problems at work or in court. Narcissistic exes and co-parents have been known to accuse the other parent of drug and alcohol addiction, domestic abuse, rape, and stalking. These unfounded claims do nothing but complicate an already stressful and messy situation and irreparably damage reputations.

Parallel parenting can eventually give way to co-parenting over time, but when a narcissist is involved it is better to never lower your boundaries. The moment that you do, they will sneak back in with the intention of totally destroying your life and everything you have built since the separation.

Related: Narcissism in Parental Alienation: Clarifying Examples

Preventing Problems

The best way to prevent problems is to go no contact or limited contact with your ex-partner and put everything in writing. If you must, only communicate via email or text message to have a record of statements and harassment.

Be as specific as possible in your custody documents, including ensuring privacy, limited contact, exact times and locations for pick up and drop off, and an explicit holiday schedule. It is also worth looking into legal orders of protection or restraining orders.

If your ex-narcissist is ever within the physical boundaries of your property or yourself, invest in a home security system with cameras to record interactions.

Make sure everything is included in the custody agreement, such as how many times a day phone calls should be permitted. It may sound silly and unnecessary, but it will help when your ex is calling every hour demanding to know the childโ€™s whereabouts and ruining your precious parenting time.

How to co-parent with a narcissist ex

Clearly, a narcissist will never willingly agree to parallel parenting because that would force them to relinquish control over you. Keep in mind that this is your lawyerโ€™s area of expertise so let them fight for you.

Although you will never be able to protect your child from the negative influence of their narcissistic parent, a parallel parenting plan with strong guidelines and boundaries is the best way to shield children from parental fights. The ultimate way to make the best out of a narcissistic divorce or custody battle is to improve and protect yourself.

Finding a good therapist, trusting your lawyer, and surrounding yourself with strong, loving individuals is just one barrier between you and your narcissistic ex. When you improve your life and get physically and mentally stronger, you are creating a better environment for your children.

In turn, your children will want to be with you and in your environment. A happy existence, despite the custody issues or financial stress, is something that your ex can never take away.

Want to know more about co-parenting with a narcissist? Check this video out below!

Co-parenting with a narcissist ex

References:

"Coparenting". Mcconnell, M. C., MCCONNELL, M. C., VO, E. D., & MCHALE, J. P. (2003). Coparenting. In J. J. Ponzetti Jr. (Ed.), International encyclopedia of marriage and family (2nd ed.). Gale. Credo Reference: http://library.capella.edu/login?url=https://search.credoreference.com/โ€ฆ

Higuera, V. (2019). What is parallel parenting? Plus, creating a plan that works. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/parallel-parenting

Written By Kristy Lee Hochenberger
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today   
CoParenting With a Narcissist pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

The โ€œFalse Selfโ€ Of A Narcissist: Look Beyond The Facade!

Hidden Narcissist False Self: Make Believe Traits in Them

The narcissist false self is charming and confident, masking underlying insecurities and emptiness beneath. Let’s find out other secrets they hide!

Narcissists have a false self. Theyโ€™re master illusionists. They behave like a little king or queenโ€Šโ€”โ€Šwhether bragging or sulking. Their whole personality is a charade crafted to deceive you into believing they are confident, superior, self-sufficient, likable, and caring.

In studies, groups of people met with and liked a narcissist, but after 6 more interviews, they discerned the narcissistโ€™s true nature and changed thei



Up Next

How To Deal With Your Partner’s Obsessive Ex? 4 Tips For Successfully Handling One

Deal With Your Partner's Obsessive Ex: Tips And Tricks

Have you ever had to deal with an obsessive ex? Moreover, have you ever had to deal with your partner’s obsessive and toxic ex? If you have, you already know how disturbing it is to go through this. This article is going to talk about some of the best ways to deal with a toxic ex or deal with your partner’s toxic ex.

My friend is happily married to a man who has a child. He is a devoted and loving father who sought full custody of the children; the court denied his petition.

His two children are living with their narcissistic mother who actively alienates the children from their father. His ex was obsessed with him during their short and turbulent relationship. She was deceitful, abusive, controlling, and highly destructive. They hooked up while drunk.



Up Next

Dog Whistling Narcissist: 8 Ways Narcissists Use This Covert Manipulation Tactic

Dog Whistling Narcissist: Covert Ways They Manipulate You

Have you ever had the feeling that when you are talking to someone, there’s a hidden message they’re trying to get across to you? A message that feels insulting, condescending and hurtful? If you answered yes, then you are dealing with a dog whistling narcissist, my friend.

These people are experts at sending subtle messages that are extremely hurtful and humiliating, but only you understand it, not anyone else. When a narcissist uses dog whistling, their main motive is to manipulate you and keep you under their control. They’ll use it to dominate you, and put you down, while pretending to be harmless.

But what is dog whistling, and how narcissists use dog whistling? Let’s find out, shall we?



Up Next

What Is A Superiority Complex And How To Deal With Someone Who Thinks They Are Better Than You

What Is A Superiority Complex And How To Deal With It

Have you ever met someone who believes they are inherently better than others? Do they constantly exude an air of superiority, belittle others, or dismiss othersโ€™ accomplishments? This is a superiority complex in action. What is a superiority complex?

People who exhibit traits of condescension and arrogance are believed to have a superiority complex, a psychological phenomenon that drives such behavior. Letโ€™s explore the superiority complex in psychology, its signs, causes, and most importantly, how to deal with someone with a superiority complex.

What is a Superiority Complex?

A superiority co



Up Next

What Is A Devouring Mother? Overcoming A Narcissistic Mother’s Toxic Grip

What Is A Devouring Mother? Ways To Overcome Toxicity

Do you feel overwhelmed, smothered, or suffocated by all the love and attention your mother gives you? Perhaps you know people who feel trapped in situations where their motherโ€™s love becomes an all-encompassing affair? This phenomenon is referred to as โ€œThe Devouring Mother Archetype.โ€ Letโ€™s explore what is a devouring mother and how to deal with the devouring mother archetype.

What is a Devouring Mother?

The Freudian devouring mother describes a controlling, overbearing motherly figure hampering a child’s development and independence. It is marked by possessiveness and narcissism.

As the term is not a literal description, a devouring Mother does not mean a mother who consumes her children ph



Up Next

Is It Love Or A Trap? 10 Ominous And Warning Signs Of Love Bombing

Ominous And Warning Signs Of Love Bombing: Love Or Trap?

Have you ever experienced the turbulent side of love, that comes from falling head over heels for someone? The butterflies in your stomach, the passion you feel, and the feeling of being swept off your feet – feels amazing, doesn’t it? But what if I told you that behind this seemingly perfect faรงade lies something dark and sinister? What if I told you these are warning signs of love bombing?

Welcome to the dark world of love bombing; a psychological tactic used by manipulative people to gain control over your mind and heart. In this article, we will talk about what does love bombing mean, and the signs you are being love bombed.

Let’s get started first with what does love bombing mean, shal



Up Next

The Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing: 7 Subtle Signs Of An Altruistic Narcissist

Signs Of An Altruistic Narcissist: Beneath the Kindness

Have you ever met someone who seems super helpful and sweet, but it just doesnโ€™t seem genuine? Well, you might be looking at an altruistic narcissist, and this is one of the many signs of an altruistic narcissist.

You might be confused because when we think of narcissists, we usually think of them as selfish and uncaring. But there is another type of narcissist who does good deeds for a different reason โ€“ they want attention and praise and adulation.

So, without any further delay, let’s get down to knowing more about the altruistic narcissist and their signs. Let’s start with understanding what is an alt