How Your Childhood Experiences Define Your Adult Love Styles

Childhood Experiences Adult Love Styles

5. The Controller

How Your Childhood Experiences Define Your Adult Love Styles

An antithesis of the victim is the controller. If the victim is always about giving up their own power, the controller is about taking it, whatever the cost. 

This love style, like that of the victim, also comes ridden with conflict and chaos and its roots lie in a past where the child had to buckle up. This is in conflict with the basic need of a child, which is to feel safe and loved.

Controllers find it easier to leave their feelings aside and show up as “strong” people. They are resistant to showing themselves as vulnerable people, for the simple reason that they equate vulnerability with weakness.

In the long run, the pattern of toughening up as a child reveals itself as a constant power play with the partner, where the latter may often end up feeling abused. 

Related: 4 Steps to Recovery After Childhood Emotional Neglect

Being aware of one’s own love style can be revealing to the least.

It is not easy to make changes in adult relationships. Hopefully, when you have a sense of where your current struggles might have their seeds, you’ll be in a position to do something about it.

Working by yourself and working alongside a partner (who is all probability has a different love style) are both options you can explore.


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Childhood Experiences Adult Love Styles Pin
How Your Childhood Experiences Define Your Adult Love Styles
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Sunanda Pati

Sunanda Pati is a certified expressive arts therapist and facilitator and a freelance creative writer. Having developed an early interest in psychology and later various forms of bodywork, she has actively worked in knowing her own inner world and processing various traumas. She believes every person is blessed with an endless reserve of inspiration, courage, and wisdom. Sunanda lives, writes, practices, and facilitates in Bangalore, India. More of her writings can be found at Gaia Comes to the City. She also runs an expressive arts initiative of the same name (Gaia Comes to the City), which can be found on Facebook.View Author posts