Recently, I turned 28, there are a myriad of articles about how it’s ok to not have your shit together by the time you genuinely believed you would, I know this because I have read a huge amount of them in order to make myself feel better, and I did.
Until I didn’t, I moved out age 27 just after my birthday and rented a lovely room in a picturesque and arty part of West London, I had a balcony, a lovely land lady who I had heaps in common with and a flexible part-time job, which allowed me to take acting classes and work as a dancer as well. Yet still I wasn’t satisfied, I felt my being there stood for a much deeper purpose, if truth be told I had wanted to move out for so long and in a true introverted style would throw small internal tantrums about not being where I wanted when I was so good and followed the law or attraction to a T, until I was, just like that. I moved in in a day and my two best friends came over to drink prossecco on the balcony with me, still at this time something wasn’t quite right and I knew it deep down, but ignored and pressed on with my new life.
Months went by and I truly believed I was there to help, my land lady and her children were coming to terms with a painful divorce, I had experienced an all too similar scenario as a child and I decided it was my job my purpose even to help relieve any grief and heal the family or ease any pain they may be feeling as I wished I could of had as a child so as to make the process of growing up easier for the children.
Keeping this in my mind, I chose to ignore my own reality, my financial stability suffered, I gained weight, and my mental health deteriorated. I missed my friends who were getting engaged and having children, and there I was trying to be the hero that fixes people all so I could grow into the next level of my life, if I could just solve this problem then I would be worthy enough of true love and a happy ending- clearly not as saintly as I think I am. The mental health continued to get worse and by Christmas I no longer wished to be here, I felt a failure, the family were still suffering, I was not a famous actress or rich or with the love of my life and everywhere I looked it ‘appeared’ everyone else was. It got so bad that at one point I was convinced (and still am a little) that by wanting my best friend (a new mum) to notice my suffering so badly that I somehow affected her own mental health and life progress (I know).
My mum came to the rescue and assured me it was ok to move back home, but this time my room had been taken by my sister who had split up with her boyfriend- again something I felt partly responsible for and I was to move into the box room. Joy.
You see as a mobile personal trainer I go into peoples homes and aim for my sessions to make them feel better, fitter and help them basically. Only when I wasn’t truly helping myself my sessions were not up to the standards they had been, in fact looking back I realise I projected any negative energy I had onto them knowingly or unknowingly which again leaves me with huge amounts of guilt.
So move back I did, my manic depressive state over Christmas was a joy for the entire family, the sporadic moments of tears an tantrums filled our home like the smell of a Cinnamon Yankee candle.
These moments continued in between work and social engagements, my friends started to notice the vacant look in my eyes, mainly guilt over my spiritual quest failure backed up by more guilt of not being the person I believed I’d fought to become and grown into followed by an extreme fear of the future and karma of course…
Then I turned 28, it wasn’t a huge milestone, and on my birthday night out and the day after the creeping anxiety and depressive state emerged once more, but things do move, the world turns and people aren’t all bad. It could be the signs of spring that are aiding my perspective, or the regular yoga classes or the realisation that my life isn’t that bad no matter how bad it feels sometimes and how heavy the guilt gets over any mistakes or harm I have caused anybody, it all moves all the time even when it feels otherwise.
So heres to another year, of growth, acceptance and belief in something greater than ourselves always x