3. Know yourself, and accept yourself.
Having been out of sync with others all your life, and having internalized all the ‘too-too’ criticisms (too serious, too intense, too complex, too emotional, etc.), you may have a hard time loving yourself. If your upbringing was not sufficiently supportive of your sensitivity, you will not know how to embrace it. If you are accustomed to being everyone’s caretaker, you may have a hard time being the champion of your rights.
The goal of life is not to perfect ourselves, but to perfect our love for ourselves. It is not what we look like, how much we do, and who we attract that makes us worthy of love. We are inherently worthy and deserving, as we are a creation of nature. Just like every tree and flower has its distinct shape and size, it is our birthright to shine as we are.
You must love yourself wholly, including both your positive and negative traits, the charming and the annoying things about you, regardless of whether or not you are finding romance in the world.
Loving yourself starts from knowing yourself. You can make time to sit down and clarify what matters to you— your values, beliefs and priorities. The clarity you gain from self-reflection gives you a solid sense of self, which then allows you to be in union with others without losing yourself.
It is paramount that you allow yourself the right to expression. In the past, stepping into the spotlight might have attracted envy and attacks, and your early life experience might have taught you to trade authenticity for safety. You might have spent your life trying to hide, to conform, to be silent. This protective strategy has expired. You no longer need to hide to stay safe.
The only way you can find people who meet your intensity is when you show up with it. Please don’t deprive the world of your light— someone like you is also looking for you, and they can only find you if you show up as who you are.
4. Stop trying to control the outcome, seize every day as it comes.
As an intense and competent person, you are used to being in the driver’s seat. When it comes to romance, however, the law of efforts and results does not apply. We have little control over who we meet, when, how it happens, and what comes next.
When it comes to something as intangible as love and relationships, see if you can practice what the Buddhists call the beginner’s mind, or the ‘don’t know mind’. As much as possible, remain curious and open. When we look back in life, we understand that we never know what will happen — what we had rejected may turn out to be the portal to fortune, and what we had been charmed by may turn out to be the beginning of an inferno. We so often want what we don’t need and neglect the gifts that are right under our noses.
See if you can let go of your attachment to the outcome. You can set an intention and have a desire, you can work towards finding the love you want and keeping the love you have, but try to avoid falling into the illusion of control. We must simultaneously hold our power to take action and a willingness to release fixation over a particular outcome. It is a balancing act.
If we wait for romance to happen before we begin living our lives, we could wait forever.
Life is not a waiting room. Even if you are not entirely content with what you have in the present moment, remind yourself that you will only have this moment once, and later you will miss today. Summon gratitude for what you have, rather than staying busy with preconceptions and judgments.
We must not disown some phases of our life and push away other parts unless we want to live a partial life. We must remember that each moment in life, including the waiting, the loneliness, the separation, the longing, and the sorrow— are all a glorious and essential piece of the tapestry.
Acceptance of the present moment does not mean surrendering to non-action. It means you bringing loving awareness to each moment of your life, so in the end, you know you have lived fully regardless of what happened.