My fear of abandonment was so great, that when I found a man like this it terrified me. I couldn’t control him. He didn’t have the need for my fixing or rescuing him. I couldn’t cope with that, so I tried to push him away.
Emotional availability revealed my vulnerability.
Subconsciously I thought: what if he sees the real me who is unlovable and unworthy? He’ll run a mile and I will be abandoned, which is my greatest fear. So, I’m gonna push him away first before he breaks up with me and hurts me.
It’s a really complex lot of emotions and feelings that get bundled up in this breakup guilt. Another thing is a desperate need for closure.
You get pulled back because you want closure and for them to admit you are lovable and that everything you did for them was in their best interests and out of love.
But again I ask: why do you need that?
Because chances are you’re looking to outside sources to validate you and give you approval. In a way, you too are like an empty bucket with holes in.
How To Let Go Of Breakup Guilt
You need to find that happiness and sense of security from within instead of looking to them for it. Especially someone who is incapable of giving you this.
Self-esteem, self-worth, and self-acceptance are key. The bottom line is, you haven’t failed. You have nothing to be blamed for or feel guilty about. Sometimes, you just have to accept that you can’t fix another person or a relationship.
And if they’re not willing to put the years of hard work into it well then ask yourself:
Are they good enough for you anyway?
Are you projecting onto them?
Are you stopping yourself from moving forward and on with your life because you’re clinging onto the hope that one day they’re going to mean it when they say I’m going to change?
If that’s the case I’d ask yourself this: what does unconditional love mean? It means loving somebody for exactly who they are right now.
Do you love them AND like them just the way they are?
Are you happy to be in that relationship if they never, ever change?
Will you accept them for who they are and one day look back on that relationship with no regrets?
If you’re wasting your life waiting and hoping for the day this fantasy person might come. You know, not the one they are now, but the person they might one day become in the future if you can just prove to them you love them enough.
You could be waiting for a lifetime. Life’s too short and precious. Don’t waste it hoping for closure that may never come.
Dysfunctional relationships and abusive relationships are not normal healthy relationships. I’m sure you know that deep down. Listen to your gut.
Is this relationship good enough for you or not? If it’s not and you’ve made that decision to leave already then let go of that guilt. It’s a self-limiting belief. You have no need for it.
Replace this with positive affirmations and the belief that you are worthy. You are good enough. You’re more than good enough to deserve a healthy, loving, lasting relationship.
A companionship that enriches you and enhances your life into old age. This is what I have now. Well, not quite into old age yet, but middle-age! And it feels great. If I had clung to that fantasy and guilt for failing to fix my past abusive relationship, I would have missed out on the incredible opportunities, relationship, and life I have now.
Let go of breakup guilt. Forget closure you may never get. Keep moving forward and never look back.
Written by Vivian Mc Grath
Originally appeared on VivianMcGrath.com