Why I’m Breaking Up with a Good Man

 / 

,
Breaking Up with a Good Man

As a woman, I’ve been told that when you find your ‘Mr. Perfect’, you should hold on to him no matter what. Preserving that ‘perfect relationship’ is crucial but the truth is there can be so many reasons the relationship is not right for you both, even he is the nicest guy. And, breaking up with that ‘perfect man’ is actually okay if you’re unhappy and there doesn’t have to be anything wrong with either of you.

They still love each other but are headed down different paths. They’re making a hard decision for a greater purpose. Have you ever broken up even though you were still in love?

My sweetheart and I just broke up, except we don’t like that term for us. It doesn’t seem right that two people who love each other, who discuss rather than argue, and who share romance, fun, and tenderness can “break up.” We need a better expression for what we did, what we’re doing.

In the previous month or so, we analyzed, discussed, and agreed that our goals are mutually exclusive, so we can only be on separate paths. As I shared in a previous article, John is content with his low-stress lifestyle and wants for nothing much more than what he already has. His priorities are well placed close to home, in being a single father raising his younger two sons.

I am an empty-nester eagerly and energetically climbing to reach my goals. The combination makes for a certain level of incompatibility not conducive to what either of us has in mind as a true partnership.

Unhealthy relationship patterns

By choosing an incompatible life partner is nothing new and is at least partially due to my unresolved father issues. Between the notable exceptions of my ex-husband, and now John, I used to pick men who had my father’s qualities more often than not. Sadly, my father was not exactly a good man. He could more accurately be described as a “bad boy” and trouble-finder.

Related: The Basics for Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships

Through some intense personal growth work, I gained an awareness of my unhealthy relationship patterns. I discovered that–in the years since my divorce–I made every attempt to subconsciously reconcile with my father in my brief relationships with men. I had involved myself with men who were active alcoholics and had character traits similar to my father.

Alan’s laugh was so much like my father’s that hearing it in a dream startled me awake, both literally and consciously. When Alex walked away without breaking up, I realized that I had once again selected my father instead of a worthy mate.

I began reading The Good Men Project sporadically last year. The more I’d read, the more I would check men–all men–against the title “Good Man.” I would practice awareness that required me to be honest with myself about the qualities of a man that I found attractive as well as our potential compatibility. Were the qualities attractive to me because they were familiar, either reminding me of my father or a previous not-so-good relationship?

Related: How an Unhealthy Father Daughter Relationship Damages a Daughter’s Adult Relationships

Once I got honest with myself, I started noticing and connecting with good men in all areas of my life: one teacher, one new friend, and a client, a couple of other good friends… and John.

John and I met at work eight months ago when I noticed he was reserved, kind, helpful, and soft-spoken. He seemed to be paying close attention to me, not in a creepy way, but clearly demonstrating that he was ascertaining my character, our compatibility and whether I was noticing him. I was. He wasn’t my type; I thought, but somehow I kept observing.

At that time, I was in transition, and he was in a holding pattern of a sort, quiet about the details until we agreed to get better acquainted. John was an inventor awarded a U.S. Patent years ago. His intelligence and creativity intrigued me. I’ve long involved myself with entrepreneurial projects, so this side of him was attractive. It seemed John and I had business potential together if we should decide to devote our resources to that path.

He consistently demonstrated good man qualities yet I kept thinking he wasn’t my type, darn it! One day I came to my senses, realizing that the men who were “my type” were those who were familiar, with qualities similar to my father or men from my failed romances.

John and I took the time to get acquainted naturally over three-plus months at work. The more I learned, the more I liked him. He was a single father for 16 years with custody of two boys, and the third had recently left home. He had longevity at previous jobs if only to provide for his sons. He was kind and demonstrated compassion.

He had good social filters and appropriate behavior in a mixed company. He seemed to be an excellent candidate for the instant grandfather to my young grandchildren. My grandchildren–with their healthy intuition for judging character–warmed up to him right away when we finally agreed to be a couple.

John is a good man in every way that is important to me. Breaking up with a good man is more difficult than breaking up with a man like my father. We communicate we cuddle, we laugh! He keeps his word; he is helpful, he is kind and loving. He is trustworthy and respectable. He loves me, and it seems nothing is wrong.

Related: What Breaking Up Teaches Us About Life and Ourselves

Instead of “breaking up”, let’s call what we’re doing “being mature, good adults who choose to be best friends.”

The last four chaotic months of my transitional life would have been unbearable without John. He was my rock. My helper, my cheerleader, and my solace. John tells me that while we no longer have a commitment to a long-term romantic relationship together, he will be here for me. I believe him.

This path I’m on to improve my life, to step up to my full potential, is one that John supports for me because he knows my credentials and how I have been working persistently and consistently toward my goals.

Although he’s not interested in participating in the activities my path requires of me and my partner, he is thoughtful and generous enough not to impede my progress on the path. Instead, John is being a good man, a good person, and mostly a good friend to say, “I support you and encourage you to pursue your career and will do so from the sidelines.”

What’s your opinion on breaking up with a good man due to unhealthy relationship patterns? Leave a comment below.


Written by Lisa M. Blacker
Originally appeared in The Goodmen Project
Why I’m Breaking Up with a Good Man
Breaking Up with a Good Man pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

Out-of-the-Box Ways To Get Over A Breakup, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Unusual Ways To Get Over A Break Up Of The Zodiacs

Sometimes a break up can hit us so hard, that we begin to act like someone we’re not. Everyone gets over heartbreak in their own way — some ways to get over a break up are just different than others.

Breakups can make you do some unimaginable things. Things that, in retrospect, make you question the kind of person you are (and were). So, when you’re ready to laugh at yourself and your past, here are a few unorthodox ways on how to get over a breakup.

Are you ready to know how zodiac signs deal with breakups in an unorthodox fashion? Let’s go!



Up Next

6 Worst Types Of Breakups Hard To Get Over: Heartbreak Hall Of Fame

Worst Types Of Breakups: The Heartbreak Hall Of Fame

Welcome to the land of breakups, where we put a magnifying glass on the most chaotic and worst types of breakups that can make even the strongest hearts feel a whole lotta pain. Being in love is a beautiful experience, isn’t it? However, there’s always a risk of things not working out, but that’s the risk you take when you fall for someone, right?

Breakups are never pleasant, and they always hurt. But, but, but. There’re 6 types of painful breakups that just knock the wind out of you, and these are probably the worst types of breakups, in my humble opinion.

In this article, we will look at some of the worst t



Up Next

3 Ways That Grudge Dumping Destroys Relationships

Ways That Grudge Dumping Destroys Relationships

Dealing with frustration in a relationship is sometimes a very normal thing to experience. But some people let their frustration get the better of themselves, and end up grudge dumping their partner. This article is going to talk about experiencing frustration in relationships, and how grudge dumping destroys relationships.

KEY POINTS

Frustration is a natural part of any intimate relationship; grudge dumping isn’t.

Pent-up frustration can lead to temper tantrums, explosive arguments, and words designed to produce maximum hurt.

Healthy ways to process frustration in a relationship includ



Up Next

Feeling Alone In The Season of Togetherness? 5 Tips To Cope With Loneliness On Holidays

Feeling Loneliness On Holidays? Tips To Brighten Your Days

Winter celebrations like Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa are all about having fun with friends and family. But sometimes, even with all the happiness around, you might get the feeling of loneliness on holidays.

If you’re dealing with bouts of loneliness, it’s important to know that you’re not the only one, and there are ways to deal with it. Dealing with long-lasting loneliness might need some special help. But there are also simple things you can do when you’re feeling lonely during the holidays.

This guide is here to help you understand and handle holiday loneliness. We’ll give you easy tips to feel better and enjoy the festive season more. Let’s beat those holiday blues together with simple steps and support. Happy holidays!



Up Next

Can You Be Friends With Your Ex? Exploring The Complexities of Post-Breakup Relationships

Can You Be Friends With Your Ex? Expert Tips To Consider

Breaking up with someone you once loved and cared deeply for is never easy. It often leaves us feeling confused, hurt, and uncertain about the future. In the aftermath of a breakup, one question that frequently arises is, “Can you be friends with your ex?” 

It’s a topic that sparks curiosity, debate, and even skepticism. Let’s explore the complexities of maintaining a friendship with an ex-partner, examining both the potential benefits and challenges that come with this unique dynamic.

Can You Be Friends with Your Ex?

The short answer is yes! It’s possible to be friends with your



Up Next

4 Zodiac Signs Who Fall Out Of Love In October 2023

Zodiac Signs Who Fall Out Of Love And Breakup In October

October is often associated with positivity and good fortune, it can also be a month of endings and heartbreak. Here are 4 zodiac signs who fall out of love this month!

But remember, sometimes you have to go through the dark to appreciate the light that’s on the horizon.

This October, zodiac signs that fall out of love easily will have to face the end of their relationships, and interestingly, they may have sensed it coming. Astrologically speaking, October is marked by significant planetary movements that affect our love lives, including the influence of Lilith, known for its disruptive impact.



Up Next

Unpacking Parentification Trauma: The Burden of Growing Up Too Soon

What Is Parentification Trauma? Seven Types, Effects and Healing

The excitement of childhood is beautiful, when your biggest worry was whether your favorite cartoon was on TV. Some kids don’t have a childhood as carefree. Parentification trauma becomes a real issue when a child is thrust into the shoes of a grown-up.

The child takes on responsibilities beyond their years. It’s like playing a role in a movie you didn’t audition for. This is the reality for those who’ve experienced the issue – a lesser-known yet impactful challenge that shapes lives in unexpected ways.

What is Parentification Trauma?

It might be your question, though–what is parentification trauma? The trauma occurs when a child is placed in a role that reverses their expected position within the family dynamic.