Was Breaking Up The Right Decision?

was breaking up the decision

The problem here is I have never seen her in any romantic way, and as far as I can tell she has shown no signs of romantic interest in me.

I’m not sure what to do. Should I make a move? See if flirty behavior builds feelings for either of us? Ask one of our mutual friends if they’re just joking about the whole thing? Accept the relationship as platonic and find someone else entirely? Ask her how she feels about the situation and acts accordingly? Something else?

Thanks,
To Ask or Not To Ask

Dr. NerdLove –

Slow your roll, TAoNTA. You aren’t just putting the cart before the horse, you don’t even have a cart or a horse yet. The fact that your buds have been making comments about how you and their friend should get together may well just be that: stray comments. Observing that there’re two single people in the social circle isn’t quite the same as actively ‘shipping the couple or trying to set the two of you up as an item.

Taking this as anything other than idle chatter is getting so far ahead of yourself that you’ve looped back around like a weird sociological Mobius strip.

But let’s say, for argument’s sake, that your friends really do think that you two would make a good match and are actually, actively trying to pair the spares. Like I said to STSC, your relationships aren’t a democracy. Other people don’t get a vote in who you date or who you’re attracted to. The fact that they think that you and she might be a good couple in no way obligates you to actually give it a shot, especially if you aren’t interested in her.

The last thing either of you needs is to go through the motions of trying to date because other people want to see it happen. That’s a great way to cause all kinds of friction in the social group – the kind that causes hard feelings and tears friends apart.

And on top of that: this is all very one-sided. Right now, you have no idea if they’re telling her this as well. She may well have no idea that they’re playing Cupid. And for that matter… she may well have perfectly good reasons for not wanting a relationship right now and would seriously resent her friends sticking their noses into things.

Now, if we had some data on any of those points, we could start to see whether it’s worth doing some exploratory flirting and see if anything develops. But we don’t. As it is: you’re not feeling it for her in the first place, which means that you don’t really have any reason to try to pursue things with her. Right now, that would come off far more like trying to fill a hole labeled “girlfriend” with an available warm body instead of starting a relationship based on mutual attraction and respect.

So with the facts on the ground being what they are, I think the best thing you can do is just laugh it off and ignore the whole thing as a joke. And if it bothers you, tell your friends to back off with the jokey-jokes.

Good luck.


Was breaking up a mistake?
Was breaking up a mistake?

Question 3

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

How can I get a life? I live with my family, and having spent a tolerably happy childhood, I am almost an adult. Since the last year or so, however, my relationship with my father has grown rather cold, and he seems to have lost his affection for me, which has almost broken my heart.

I have no friends outside of my family (a few acquaintances and half friends, but the correspondence is very scarce and our seeing each other even more so) and even between my family members, there is little intimacy, agreement, or pleasure to be found. I want to be happy and fulfilled, but instead, I am bored, vexed, and lonely most of every day. I want to make friends, but I do not go anywhere but the church, and I hardly know of any opportunities. Very few things actually thrill me anymore. What to do?

Sincerely,
A Confused and Lonely Friend

Pages: 1 2 3 4
nv-author-image

Harris O’Malley

Harris O' Malley is a dating coach who provides geek dating advice at Paging Dr. NerdLove, as well as on Kotaku  and elsewhere. He and his work has been featured on Nightline, Vice, The Guardian, New York Magazine, The Huffington Post, Wired, Sex Nerd Sandra, Daily Life, Slate, The Austin-American Statesman, Austin Monthly, Geek and Sundry, Boing Boing, Everyday Feminism, Buzzfeed, The Daily Dot, The Washington Post, Kotaku, Lifehacker, NeilStrauss.com, The Good Man Project, MTV’s Guy Code, The Harvard Business Journal, and many others. Paging Dr. NerdLove has been featured as one of the top 10 dating blogs on DatingAdvice.comView Author posts