Many get caught up in seeking the emotional validation of –am I good enough – from someone who will never give it to them. This validation seeking can go on for a long, long time. There is nothing more soul destroying and degrading than jumping through hoop after hoop trying to prove your worth, to someone who will never see or acknowledge it.
Narcissists are akin to a psychological parasite. Once they get inside your head it’s almost impossible to get them out.
They spend the early part of a relationship learning all about you, what makes you tick and what buttons to push, to best manipulate you later on. They pay keen attention to your vulnerabilities, your fears and what causes you the most hurt, as a means of control, for a Narcissist must always be in control. They will go to great lengths to isolate you from friends, family and other sources of support.
Once a relationship with a Narcissist ends, most victims are left with the enormous task of weaving through all the lies and the abuse and building themselves back up. Their sense of self-esteem and self-worth will have been virtually annihilated. They have to rediscover who they are.
Being free of such a monster should be considered a blessing, but what often happens, after prolonged exposure to this type of abuse, is that many will actually pine and grieve for the return of their tormentor.
They have come to believe that love equals pain and that they are deserving of this type of treatment. They’ve placed the Narcissist so high up on a pedestal, that even crumbs of their affections and attention are better than nothing at all.
A Narcissist doesn’t like to throw away any sources of supply, so they will continue to play this game with you indefinitely.
The more pain that the Narcissist can inflict upon their partner, the less respect they have for their victims and they devalue that source of supply. If a Narcissist does leave, it’s because they have found a new source, but they’ll often be back to throw you more crumbs and prolong your suffering.
The abrupt and heartless manner in which they leave their partners is bone chilling. When a Narcissist is in stage one, the over-evaluation phase, with his new target, they focus all their energy on securing that new source of supply. The fact that they have left you in emotional turmoil, a spiraling depression or perhaps even financial ruin, will have no impact on them. It’s all about them- it always was. These people are happiest when they have at least one or two individuals pining for them, who they can run to, at any time for sex, money or an ego stroke.
If at some point the victim decides to end the relationship, the Narcissist will experience what Freud calls a Narcissistic Injury. This is any slight, real or imagined, that threatens the Narcissist’s false belief, that they are special, superior and unique.
The Narcissist may rage or grieve over your parting, but one must always remember, they are not grieving the loss of the person in their life, they are grieving the damage done to their ego, the lost source of supply, the efforts it took to secure that supply and the anxiety they will have to face to obtain more.