Astrological Signs Perfectly Described By The One Verb That Defines Them

While it’s insane to boil an individual human being down to one out of 12 astrological signs, it’s perhaps even more insane to boil them down to one single verb. That said, we boil each other down to simple terms all the time. How many people do you see on a day to day basis and immediately reduce them to something wholly trivial because you don’t know them that well and eh, whatever? A lot, right? None of this is harmful necessarily but my point is there is no reason why you can’t each astrological sign and boil it down to one simple verb because the world is a bizarre place and sometimes we all just need a dumb distraction from it. Let this be that distraction for you.

Aries: “Defend”

Some people might call you aggressive, but I’d argue that you just like protecting everything and everyone around you. Like your sometimes romantic match Virgo, you don’t feel like you’re actually a person unless you’re actively helping or fixing other people’s problems. If a knight could take the form of a star sign, it would be you.

Leo: “Seduce”

There’s a reason why most actors are Leos and it’s because they are masters at getting everyone around them to want to bone them/help them/by their contemporary fragrance collections. You’re not yourself until you’re making sure everyone knows you’re an impeccable human specimen and honestly, good for you for having A+ confidence levels.

Sagittarius: “Move”

I know it’s going to be hard for you to stop fidgeting and tweeting and then Instagramming your tweets for long enough to listen to me when I say that you never stop moving, but you don’t. Even in relationships, Saggs need things to be like a rom-com/Adult Film 24/7 or else they’re like, “Hmm, I don’t know if this is for me because I do not feel I am living life to the fullest.” And then they go out and pick up like 5 new boyfriends at a gas station just to try them on.

Taurus: “Direct”

If you’re not telling everyone around you where your boundaries are, how wrong or right they are, or how much or little you require of them you’re probably asleep. Unfortunately for you you can’t dole out orders to the people who live in your brain, otherwise every single night would be a Liam Hemsworth marriage ceremony conducted by Madonna.

Virgo: “Do”

Pop quiz: Could you do a little bit more than you’re doing right now? Did I just cause a total nervous breakdown? Then let me just say I know and I am truly sorry. I just wanted to illustrate my point that you are easily the most productive, go-getter sign in the zodiac. Is it a coincidence that all those “Beyonce has as many hours in a day as you do” mugs are about famous Virgo Beyonce? No.

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Stand-Up Comedian/Writer @theonion @mcsweeneys Sr. Features Editor @TheFrisky Creator #TinderLive Musician in BUST's Best Band Of 2015: http://facebook.com/itwasromance