“I need for you to want to spend time with me – sharing love and affection with me, connecting with me from your heart and soul, being open to learning and growing with me and playing and having fun with me. I need for you to be honest with me and to care about the effect your behavior has on me. I need to know that you have my back and that you support my highest good.”
These are very different needs than the first list. So I would say to Susan, who asked the question: “Susan, I would guess that the needs you are talking about are from the first list since we generally don’t ask for promises for the second list. When we are connecting with ourselves and taking loving care of ourselves, we can generally sense whether or not the other person is capable of love, connection, caring, empathy, openness, and honesty. These qualities are either forthcoming or they aren’t. Someone cannot ‘promise’ to give us these things.
So look at first and see if you are giving yourself the things on the first list. Then you will be in a position to share with someone the things on the second list.
Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Relationships Course: “Loving Relationships: A 30-Day Experience with Dr. Margaret Paul – For people who are partnered and people who want to be partnered.”
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Written by Margaret Paul, PhD
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