I hate staying up at night questioning things I’ve done in the past and worrying about things that haven’t happened in the future.
I hate always worrying about things.
I hate being out in public because I’m in my own world sometimes. Physically I’m there but in my head, I’m not.
I hate the moments where I need to break down, only it isn’t the appropriate time to.
And I hate not knowing when something really little will set me off.
I hate the anxiety of being late even though I know everyone said not to get there on time.
I hate the worrying about what people think because as much as I try and play like I don’t care, I really do.
Anxiety tells me, no one likes me and here are 50 reasons why.
Anxiety makes me want to apologize for all of these things.
And when you first meet me, you won’t notice this is what I’m like.
I’ll hide it behind nail-biting and tapping and excuse myself in public. I’ll hide it by listening instead of speaking. I’ll hide it behind a busy schedule and always doing things. The truth is if I’m busy I’m not thinking too much about anything other than the task at hand. At first, I’ll do everything to hide it.
Hide the fact it took me 30 minutes to make a decision weighing out every pro and con. Hide the fact it takes me two hours to get ready because in my head everything looks awful on me and anxiety tells me so. Hide the fact I have minor panic attacks if I’m late to something or if I’ve overslept. And how something so little can change a day that’s hasn’t even begun yet.
I’ll hide the fact I’m exhausted because I didn’t sleep last night thinking about something that may never happen.
And as you get to know me, you’ll begin to see how much anxiety plays a major role in my life.
And when you realize the truth, you’ll realize what I’ve had to live with most of my life. I’ll apologize for being this type of person.
I’ll apologize if it’s something you can’t second-hand deal with because there are times I can’t deal with it myself.
But at the same time, I can’t change it.
At the same time, I know I’m always going to live with this thing that dictates a lot of my life.
So I’ll always say sorry.
I’ll be sorry for the things I do and the things I don’t. But through your acceptance and understanding of something I’m still struggling to understand myself, comes a love for you and all you are.
Only lately I’ve begun to realize, you don’t have to love everything about yourself before someone else does. Sometimes it takes someone loving those bits of yourself you reject, sometimes it takes hearing someone say it’s okay to be like this. It’s only then you begin to accept yourself for all you are but more than you realize, you don’t have to be sorry.