Anxiety, An Unwelcome Guest

 February 11, 2019

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I have typed this a million times..

A story about me? what would it say? what would it be about?. Then it hits me the self doubt and the anxiety screaming in my ear. “No one will read it and those that do are going to laugh and laugh”, I hesitate..

Will they?. I want to eagerly type “who cares!” but once again anxiety sits on my shoulder and whispers “you will”.

I choose to carry on typing ignoring the fact that my anxiety has forced me to reread this whole thing a million times to insure no mistakes are made.

I want to share my story with you reader because I believe all stories deserve a listener or in my case a reader.

This morning I opened my eyes and looked over to my sleeping daughter and wondered “will I pass this anxiety to her as my father passed this to me?” I dont get time to sit on the thought as Im already late and it hits me, my anxiety, as I get my little girl ready for preschool. Anxiety says “Is that a lump? Is there a lump? “oh god what if I find a lump” as I check my little girl for anything out of the ordinary.

Nothing.. but my anxiety once again whispers “You just didn’t look properly” I snap out of it and rush her out the door.

On my way to preschool I try not let it show but my mother can’t help but notice me constantly holding my neck and staring out the window, I must look so distant.

Truth be told I am, my anxiety is once again whispering in my ear “you have cancer, you ill!” “feel that? its a lump and lumps are cancer!”

We finally here and I snap out of it my little girl cries her way into school and it hits me again “you a terrible mother you shouldn’t be working and every one thinks so !”

I get to work its early yet my heart is racing, I greet my boss “he doesn’t like you, you know?” ” If he could fire you he would” once again anxiety is there.

I make my way to my table and finally sit down, this is the time I dread most, the quiet time, It begins, my mind and these thoughts I can’t seem to control. “You have breast cancer feel for a lump! I do.. I lay on the floor under my table and feel.. there is nothing like every other time..

The anxiety leaves me alone but I can trust it to be near.

I can’t say that I have accepted anxiety as a life long partner and I doubt I ever will but it is a partner never the less.

Some days are great and some days I cant get out of bed.

Yet I fight it every day, most days I win other days Im defeated.

This is my life but each day means a chance to fight and today I choose to win.