Thich Naht Hanh, the Zen Buddhist master, has some interesting advice about what it means to truly let go. Many people mistake detachment or non-clinging to be a form of aloofness or emotional disconnect from others, but as Hanh explains, truly letting go often means loving someone more than you have ever loved them before.
The Buddha taught that detachment, one of the disciplines on the Noble Path, also called ariyasaavaka, is not a physical act of withdrawal or even a form of austerity. Though the Buddha teaches of a “non-action which is an integral part of the Right Way,” if it is taken out of context it can give the impression that we should develop a lack of concern for others, and that we should live without truly feeling or expressing our emotions – cutting ourselves off from life.
These type of misinterpretations are sadly common since there are not always direct translations from the Pali language into English.
This form of “detachment” is an erroneous understanding of the Buddha’s message. Master Hanh states that to truly let go we must learn to love more completely. Non-attachment only happens when our love for another extends beyond our own personal expectations of gain, or our anticipation of a specific, desired outcome.
Hanh describes four forms of complete detachment, which surprisingly, aren’t about holding yourself up in a cave and ignoring everyone who has broken your heart or ignoring your lust or desire for a romantic interest. This is not detachment. Letting go means diving in. For example:
Hanh describes the importance of Maitri, not love as we normally understand in a Westernized use of the word. He states,
“The first aspect of true love is maitri (Metta, in Pali), the intention and capacity to offer joy and happiness. To develop that capacity, we have to practice looking and listening deeply so that we know what to do and what not to do to make others happy. If you offer your beloved something she does not need, that is not maitri. You have to see her real situation or what you offer might bring her unhappiness.”
In other words, your detachment may come in accepting that certain things you would normally do to make another person feel loved and appreciated may not be what the person you are actively loving now, needs. Instead of forcing that behavior on another person, with an egoic intent to “please” them, you simply detach from that need in yourself and truly observe what makes another person feel comfortable, safe, and happy.
Hanh further explains,
“We have to use language more carefully. “Love” is a beautiful word; we have to restore its meaning. The word “maitri” has roots in the word Mitra which means friend. In Buddhism, the primary meaning of love is friendship.”
The next form of true detachment is compassion. When we let go, we don’t stop offering a compassionate touch, word, or need to help someone who is in pain. We also don’t expect to take their hurt or pain away. Compassion contains deep concern, though. It is not aloofness It is not isolation from others.
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