A Final Letter To The Man Who Broke Me

How have you been? I hope you are doing well, and yes I actually mean it.

This is no snide; no sarcastic remark which you might feel owing to the messed up manner in which we parted ways. No, I don’t begrudge you anything, not at all. If anything, I’m actually extremely happy for the course that our lives took. And yes, I never wish they we never crossed paths or that you never entered my life. Because surprisingly enough, you did more good than harm. You impacted my life a little more than people I grew up with. And even though it was hard to understand at the moment, most of it turned out to be for good. I am grateful for all the valuable lessons I learned as a result of being with you. And they were better than any self-help group or book. And so, quite sincerely I thank you and wish the best for you.

Remember when you used to play with my emotions. Making me feel on top of the world one day, and bringing me crashing down the very next.

I am really glad you did that to me. That cruel joke you played on me. Breaking up and then coming back the next day all smiling just because you wanted to know my reaction to not being with you. Well, that was not funny for me. Making fun of someone’s dependence on you is not hilarious. But I see that it was indeed funny to you. And now I realized how wrong was it for me to invest so much if myself on a person who wasn’t even emotionally mature enough to know what it meant. I vividly remember crying my eyes out in front of a friend and now I can only imagine how sadist people can be to pull off such moves to show how much power they wield in a relationship. You taught me never to do that to another human because I was on the receiving end of such behavior. And you also taught me to not fall for a person like whose own ego is more important than the tears of their partner. Actually, that shouldn’t have taken me by as much surprise as it did. Because you have been playing with me since the very first day.

I remember how anguished I used to be because you only sent me mixed signals.

For the longest time, I didn’t even know if you liked me back or not. Yes like, because even though I might have loved you, I know that you never did. You just loved yourself. So you played with my feelings till you were unsure. You see, I wasn’t good enough to be with you the moment I asked, but I wasn’t even bad enough to let go without thinking about it, right? And you did your thinking and you tortured me while you did it, but that is okay. I learned that no matter how much I like someone, I will not hang on to every ambiguous word they say. Now that I have realized the importance of clarity, I will never let another narcissist play with my emotions like that, in the hope that they will one day find me worthy.

Thank you, for showing me all those other girls who were hot and cute and better than me, even when you knew that I loved you.

Thank you for showing their pictures and taunting me about how popular and in-demand you are. You brought up insecurities in me which I never thought existed. And it’s good that you did. Once I realized they existed, I could finally face them and get over them. Do you know that I love my body now, and don’t try to match up to any other woman’s standards? Oh, and one more quick tip, stop pitting girls against each other. I realized that all those girls were not my competition. We were all in this together, having to go through life with boys like you who think we should be fighting each other for your attention. No thanks, we are better off having a coffee together.

Thank you for keeping me on my toes. That time I spent with you, always worrying about what I should or shouldn’t do and how you’ll react.

I didn’t realize how much pressure I was under till it was all lifted. Suddenly, it was as if I could breathe again. That was when I realized the importance of stability. How nothing and no one is worth feeling like you’re entrapped in your own life. I never valued feeling free and in control of my own life, and maybe that is why I so readily handed the reins of my life in your hands. But you made sure that I learned my lesson and I will never do that again because now I know what the price I paid.

Thank you for doubting my dreams and taunting me that I was too ambitious.

You said that I was building castles in the air. That I was hoping for too much. Well, I agree that we belonged to the same small town and so our opportunities were limited. But unlike you, I didn’t let it define me. Instead, I took it as a challenge. And though it would have meant the world to me if you had supported me, you didn’t and I made my peace with that. I learned to become my own most fierce supporter. Instead of looking at validation outside, I look for it within me, and guess what- I’m never disappointed.

Thank you for always taking and never giving. For always asking for my love and understanding and yet never being emotionally available for me.

Every time you were jealous and possessive of me, I thought of it as a good thing, like you were finally ready to commit. But you clearly weren’t. You just wanted to have control over my life, wanted everything that I had to offer, my mind, body, and soul and in return, you couldn’t even give me your commitment. I learned how an absolute fool I was to waste so much of my time and emotions in you when you were clearly not ready to invest any.

Thank you for every time you left me hanging. It has taught me that the only person I need in life to be happy is me.

Thank you for making me see how cruel and irrational and selfish the world can be. Now I am more prepared to handle people like you, without hating them, because I understand what they are going through too.  And most of all, thank you for leaving me. I know when you did I felt broken and shattered but it was, in fact, the only genuinely good thing you did for me all that time we were together. When you left, I thought I couldn’t live without you. Little did I know. Not only am I living without you, I am thriving. I shudder to think how my life would be if we were still together. I am a stronger person but it is not entirely because of you. I always had it within me, but yes, I am grateful to you for showing me everything that I was capable of.

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