3. There will always be a reason to reject anyone.
Every single person is imperfect and every single person will cause you to want to push them away. To dump them. To leave them.
“Every [relationship] demands an effort to keep it on the right track; there is constant tension…between forces that hold you together and those that tear you apart.” – John Gottman
The trick to making love last is to discover – and to continue to discover – reasons for staying together.
4. Withdrawal is death.
A dysfunctional relationship pattern that emerged from 40 years of research in John Gottman’s love lab was withdrawal. When we turn away from our partners, the affection, shared humor, and joy goes out the window.
Withdrawal tends to happen when one person is emotionally unavailable or when a couple continues to behave in negative ways that push each other away. It’s emotionally crippling. Withdrawal kills intimacy and sexual passion.
Personal growth comes from learning how to be hurt or angry and not withdrawing from the relationship. To learn how to say you’re upset, frustrated, and hurt so both your partner and you can come together to talk through it. It takes emotional depth to not put up a wall. If you want a close intimate relationship, then that’s what you need to learn how to do.
Looking to know more about how you can build a stronger and intimate relationship? Read Can Hiding Hard Feelings Affect Your Relationship?
5. Touch is the best aphrodisiac.
Affectionate touch brings us closer and causes us to stay close. If you’re not touching your partner often, your relationship is not going to feel passionate. Both of you will feel that the connection and closeness you once had is diminishing.
While sexual touching does improve romance, affection touching deepens romance. It’s the gentle brush along the back as you pass in the hall. The touching of one’s hair as you lay in bed. Love thrives in the micro-moments of connection, and sometimes the best way to create a connection is to reach out and touch your loved one.
Consistently ask yourself, “If I’m going to make this relationship work, what must I do? What must I quit doing?” Often we know what we want from our partner, but very few of us have a clear idea of what our partner needs from us. If your answers to this question are unknown, or if they feel superficial or vague, then it’s time you ask your partner. “Am I helping you get your needs met in this relationship? (And if not, what can I do differently?)” Honor what your partner says. It matters.
Want to know more about how intimacy is sometimes more important than sex? Read This Is What Makes Intimacy More Important Than Sex
6. Complaining to friends & family doesn’t help.
Often we feel so frustrated with our partners that it becomes easy to gossip with our friends and family about their flaws, their lack of sexual desire, or their horrible communication skills.
Unfortunately, our friends and family do not have the power to change your relationship. If you have a problem, go directly to your partner. That’s the only person who can make the effort to change your relationship.
7. Love is a verb, not a feeling.
If you want your relationship to work, then you have to make an intentional effort to make it work. Two of my most popular articles reinforce this.
If you want the romance to stay alive, you have to keep it alive. As unattractive as that may sound to some people, I think that is the most attractive thing a person can offer.
“I’m making you a priority in my life and will continue to court you and learn new ways of making you happy.”