7 Signs You’ve Arrived as a Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse

7 Signs You've Arrived as a Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse

In the same way that a long-term weather pattern creates a climate in a particular region, if the climate of any of your relationships has proven – over time – that you typically feel put upon and used, then those are the ones that you now consider releasing.

5)  You’re more concerned about what you’re doing with your life than what your Ex is doing with theirs.

You no longer obsess about your ex with their new supply or the fact that they seem so happy because you’ve come to understand that your Ex is destined to repeat the same cycle of abuse with anyone they are with at any given time.

6)  You no longer focus on problems, but on solutions.

You realize that you have the power to conquer and change your circumstances, rather than remain defenseless against whatever stunts your Ex might be playing.

You understand that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  If you need to delete an email you’ve had for years because your Ex emails you from different accounts, you delete it.  If you need to file a restraining order because your Ex is stalking and harassing you, you drive to the courthouse and file it.

If you see the need to charge your cell phone number and insist that they call you on your landline, you do so.  If your Ex sends you unwanted gifts and flowers, you mark them “return to sender” or refuse the delivery.  You fight the good fight to protect your newfound freedom.

7)  You no longer consider what happened to you a punishment, but rather an eye-opener because you understand that it happened so you could heal the wounds you’ve carried since childhood.

You’ve arrived as a survivor from narcissistic abuse because you no longer look to your Ex for approval or appreciation, knowing that even the appearance of those things comes with a high price. You accept that there are people whose behavior is disturbingly damaging, but you no longer open yourself up to it. Instead, you respond appropriately, with full awareness of why it’s necessary to do so.

You’ve arrived as a survivor because you no longer tolerate anything that discounts your value – from anyone – for you’ve become your own best friend and advocate.


Copyright © 2015 Kim Saeed. All Rights Reserved This article was originally published at Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed and is protected from copyright infringement. It has been republished on The Minds Journal with permission from the author. Want to know more about surviving narcissistic abuse?  Check out How to Do No Contact Like a Boss!

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7 Signs You've Arrived as a Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse

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44 thoughts on “7 Signs You’ve Arrived as a Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse”

  1. In my case, it has been a friend [still current]. What these articles don’t mention [I may have missed it] is that such friends have a high level of charisma, part of their attraction. The problem is, that when you realise that something is wrong and you confide in your other friends, they simply don’t believe you. They see only the charisma So it is a double blow and you go back to thinking there is something wrong with you. Luckily I have arrived at the point where I have twigged what has been happening. The article has been a revelation because it has confirmed all of the conclusions that I had come to independently; the ultimate reassurance. Unfortunately it has taken almost 20 years, but I got there in the end! Just another point, I have not ditched this person and we are still friends, I just have a more self-protecting approach to the friendship and I am much firmer with her.

  2. You no longer consider what happened to you a punishment, but rather an eye-opener because you understand that it happened so you could heal the wounds you’ve carried since childhood.

    Can you explain what this means?.. I have read everything there is to read regarding the subject and I cant get my head around this. Why since childhood?…. The narc was my husband… does this mean we were doomed to marry a narc from childhood?… because there was something wrong this us?… please explain

    1. Hi Melanie. There is another article in this group about narcissistic parents. I suspect that it is referring back to this.

      //themindsjournal.com/6-types-emotional-abuse-narcissistic-parents/

      As Caroline Horist says below, anyone in your life can be a narcissist, parent, partner, and even a child.

      This has been a revelation to me too. Wish I had seen it earlier in my life.

  3. i like this, but wish it was not worded in a way that is specific to “exes”. it should be clear that an unhealthy relationship with a narcissist could also be with a friend or family member.

  4. Oh I was just made aware recently that I have been “dancing with a Narcissist” Ain’t that the TRUTH! This article is the very first that I have read and it means so much to me. Makes me feel whole again and that its true what I have been going through is not right in any way.

  5. I can see that I manage most of this when it concerns my ex but I’m not sure I can spot or stop the seeds growing in a new relationship.

  6. Thank you for this interesting article. It is hard work, especially when you were emotionally abused in your childhood. It is a long, slow and difficult process. But one day, all our efforts are rewarded. We emerge. We become more mature. We reach inner stability and inner peace as all our lead is being turned into gold. It is a question of time. I wish inner transformation to everybody.

  7. Thank you for writing this wonderful piece. It’s about a year and a half since I got out of my 12 year long abusive marriage. We have two kids, and I have cut communication down to only texting about visits with them. However, he still pushes that boundary, and intermittently either tries to love bomb me or goes on verbally abusive tirades via text.

    Lately, I have been feeling like this will never end, and I won’t ever fully escape him. The kids tie us together. I’ve been so triggered and having severe PTSD flashbacks and anxiety. It’s been discouraging, and I’ve felt like I am having a really hard time healing.

    However, after reading this article I realized that I do all of these things. Number 7 is one that I still struggle with. It’s hard to break the cycle of trying to placate, and modifying your actions in an effort to avoid abuse. But, I have set so many boundaries and come so far. I just need to focus on that.

  8. Thank you Kim,
    You have helped me more than you’ll ever know…… I’ve not only gotten MY life back, I’ve got a new and improved life ! <3

  9. Wow! PERFECT! Flawlessly written – Is it too self-assured to say I am experiencing all 7 steps; mastering some more than others, but on it 100% Great ariticle. It put this huge smile on my face. I am indeed a Survivor! – Thank you

  10. Sometimes it’s not always an ex’ it can also be a family member in which case they’re hard to escape. I do agree fully with the taking time out and taking care of yourself. Although it would be lovely if the narcissist would acquire help for themselves. Wishful thinking though. There will always be these kind of people who feel the need to feed off ,hurt and torture others because they cannot find their own being, worth and happiness. Pray for them as well as yourself, Jesus heals all❤

    1. Re Bekka, that is one this I still struggle with.
      Trust… I have little trust for people anymore. Weather it be your spouse or family member or friend.
      “Those people” are so good at obtaining your trust, then when you think it’s great ~boom!~ they turn crazy, mean.
      So I just stay away from everyone now.

  11. Great article except that I couldn’t remember any of the ”good times” until about 10 months post break up. I realised that he rode my coat tails for most of those too; even though he was very charismatic when he ‘turned it on’. 1-year break-up anniversary on 31st March and I will be celebrating! 😀

    1. I kicked him out so I loathed and despised him at that time (being consistently devalued does that, eh?). I had 3 glorious weeks of just thinking it was a bad relationship – not realising that I’d actually been with someone ”disordered” (putting it kindly!). Then I caught up with some mutual friends, what they said made me research and then the c-PTSD kicked in and the fun and games began (dramatic weight loss, hypersensitivity/paranoia, soul-scarring, etc, etc., etc). Then, thanks to more research, reading other victims/targets stories and realising it was like reading our relationshit autobiography, EMDR and EFT therapy and an incredible support system, did the healing begin….thank God! Thank you for your insights, information and validation Kim Saeed, it’s people like you who help others like me make sense of all the madness….and madness it is! :O Peace, love and joy to you. x

  12. individuality is a governments worst nightmare – shin kwon
    being alone with my thoughts has become dangerous thing – shin kwon
    love is a daily ritual – shin kwon
    life is about growth. you either grow stronger or grow weary – shin kwon
    war is for worriers, not warriors – shin kwon
    life happens regardless… live accordingly – shin kwon
    being in love equals instatant gratification – shin kwon
    gratitudes lead to gratifications – shin kwon
    there are no days, just incredibly long moments – shin kwon
    cosmic shit comic strip
    you’ve already made all your decisions before you got here. you’re only here to experience how you feel about them – shin kwon
    my plan is to love you. that is all – shin kwon
    she owns her feelings and so she chooses to feel deeply. she chooses to hurt, but she is unharmed. tha fire cannot burn tha flame. none can hurt her any longer, she is invincible and has become an irresistible force of nature – shin kwon
    a sister to a brother a daughter to a mother, a mother to a son, and my lover like no other and i’ll never put another above her and there’s so much more to uncover and discover – shin kwon
    true love is too enormous to measure let alone fathom – shin kwon
    are you not light and dark? was not your brilliant flame once dim and flickering? let your inner fire roar mightier than tha flames of hell – shin kwon
    your heart, your mind, and your imagination together create a multiverse – shin kwon
    if you were completely comfortable being yourself you would never be shy around anyone – shin kwon
    time is made when taken – shin kwon
    tha shape of tha earth is not nearly as important as tha shape of your heart – shin kwon
    i am not satisfied with nor am i in disagreement with tha philosophical greats of past tense, even of my own philosophies that i hold currently. i am just always taking it to tha next level – shin kwon
    i’m tha 13th constellation. i read people not zodiacs because i see every person as a star – shin kwon
    you can do anything to water but replace it. keep this in mind both literally and figurately, but most importantly philosophically. – shin kwon
    if you want to solve differences between people, focus on tha connection between people and not what divides us – shin kwon
    fear naturally create defenses, but mental slavery will leave you defenseless – shin kwon
    choosing sides is tha root cause of warfare. think outside of tha mental concentration camp – shin kwon
    without sarcasm, there’d be more intellectuals on death row – shin kwon
    chaos leads to sanity – shin kwon
    it is what it is, but it’s also what you believe it to be – shin kwon
    you’re my motivation to get up in tha morning and tha inspiration behind everything i do – shin kwon
    forget everything. fall in love with everything. sense with your body, learn with your mind, feel with your soul, acquire knowledge through objective research and separate fact from fiction eliminating all preconceived notions, contemplate significance of information, process and comprehend data, realize it and feel it on deepest levels, acquire wisdom, apply wisdom, acquire more knowledge, wisdom through experience all tha while never falling out of love therefore in a state of perpetual happiness, ultimate satisfaction – shin kwon
    you ask why? tha simple answer would be that i fell in love. to use one word to describe tha experience, i would simply say “indescribable” – shin kwon
    instead of focusing on tha negative consequences of unfavorable outcomes, which most often tend to do, not so much by being taught to behave this way as through instruction, instead just an unconscious mimicery of what is being practiced as opposed to what is being preached within tha confines of their immediate environment which has adopted beliefs systems that subjugate and compromise their very existence which can be a breeding ground for feelings of regret and uncertainty about tha future. however, a simple approach to eliminating displeasurable thoughts that trigger dissonant emotions distrupting a person’s natural harmonic flow is by altogether altering your perception, finding tha root cause of all your anxieties and making a rational conscious decision to unchoose or reverse tha decisions that led you to perceive your life as a product of life justifying your right to criticize what was in all truth your own handywork, to lead you out of your own self induced debacle. one must simply move on, because life goes on, and it will leave your ass behind. – shin kwon
    you don’t keep secrets. secrets keep you – shin kwon
    sleep is nothing more than a dream within a dream, merrily merrily merrily rowing a boat gently down a stream – shin kwon
    freddie mercury: is this tha real life, or is this just fantasy?
    shin kwon: nothing is real. it’s all fantasy – shin kwon
    tha more things you own, tha more distractions you’ll have – shin kwon
    when you find true love, you can never fall out of love ever again. why? because you wouldn’t want to – shin kwon
    at tha lowest level of understanding, love is just a feeling. at tha highest level of comprehension, love is understood and accepted as god of everything – shin kwon
    love is tha reason behind everything you do. you will realize this truth one day if you haven’t already – shin kwon
    my love for you rivals your self love – shin kwon
    i love you just as much as you love yourself. and if you don’t love yourself then that just means i’ll still be loving you while you won’t – shin kwon
    i was mine before i was everyone else’s. now i’m just all yours – shin kwon
    i love you like there’s no tomorrow, because without you there’d be no future for me – shin kwon
    love is an entity, but also tha essence of all lifeforms – shin kwon

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