7 Emotions You May Feel When You Decide To Divorce

 / 

,

Making the decision to divorce is one of the hardest decisions to make. When you decide to divorce your spouse, you may feel a ton of emotions that you did not expect at all. This article is going to talk about those feelings and emotions so that if ever you make the decision to divorce, you know what to expect.

KEY POINTS

  • The decision to divorce is a personal and deeply emotional experience.
  • There is a common misperception that the person who decides to divorce doesn’t suffer from the decision.
  • The emotional journey is unique to each individual, and there are no right or wrong ways to feel.

Abby (not her real name) is 42 years old and has felt trapped in her marriage for many years. She and her husband have worked hard in couples counseling for many years, but the arguing and lack of romance continue to frustrate her. She’s seeking therapy to consider divorce.

“It was my rule for myself, that I would never divorce. I suffered when my parents divorced and I don’t want to do that to my children,” she tells me tearfully. “How unhappy do I have to be to justify a divorce? Is it healthy for our kids to see us fighting and to see me so unhappy? Will divorce ruin their lives? Should I stay married for their sake? Should I just accept an unhappy marriage?”

Abby has many questions she wants to explore with me, and I explain that my role is to help her think through her decision, but I will not tell her what to do.

The decision to divorce is a personal and deeply emotional experience, and people have a range of reactions and feelings as they consider the decision. Most find the decision to divorce a complex and difficult process, even when there are compelling factors such as abuse or addiction.

There is a common misperception that the person who decides to divorce doesn’t suffer from the decision. However, my experience as a psychologist has shown that making the decision can be fraught with many emotions.

Being the one who makes the decision is certainly different from the experience of the spouse who is informed of the decision. But the emotions are no less intense.

Related: How To Get Over A Failed Marriage

7 Emotions You May Feel When You Decide To Divorce

1. Sadness and Grief

Even if the decision is mutual or necessary for safety, most experience a deep sense of loss. It is the death of the dream you have when you make your marriage vows and plan a future together.

Abby recalls what had drawn her to her husband and her vision of a “perfect childhood” for her children. She wonders why things went wrong and tearfully anticipates causing her husband and children pain.

When we meet, she is suffering from deep sadness and grief.

How you feel when you decide to divorce

2. Relief

In some cases, individuals, along with sadness, grief, guilt, and anxiety, may feel a sense of relief having decided to divorce. The idea of ending an unhappy marriage, ending the conflict, or leaving an “empty” marriage can bring relief.

Abby describes her marriage as “empty” because she and her husband rarely talk to each other, except about the children. There is little affection or warmth in their relationship. “I don’t think he’d notice if I cut off all my hair, as long as dinner was on the table at 6:00,” she says bitterly.

3. Guilt and Shame

People may experience guilt or shame about the decision, especially if they believe they are letting down their partner, their families, or even themselves.

Abby knows her in-laws will cut her off if she decides to divorce. She knows others will judge or question her decision. But her biggest source of guilt relates to her spouse and children and “doing the awful thing to them that I promised myself I would never do.”

4. Fear and Anxiety

People are anxious about the legal process, which is a mystery to most of us. It is complicated and requires focus at a time when most are overwhelmed with emotions and trying to adjust to a new reality. There are many unknowns before a divorce is finalized, and this causes a lot of stress and anxiety.

Abby’s anxiety about the future focuses on her ability to return to work. She says, “My husband loves the kids and I think he will be a good father, but he will fight me over money.

I just want to be able to support myself. If I can do that, I think I can figure out how to be a good single parent. Maybe someday I’ll want another relationship, and I hope it will be a better one.”

Related: 5 Ways To Rebuild Your Life After Divorce 

5. Ambivalence

People typically experience a mix of conflicting emotions. Doubts about the decision, fear for the children’s future, or uncertainty about financial security can create a sense of ambivalence.

Grief at the loss of the “dream” can co-exist with relief at the ability to start a new chapter of life. Anger at a spouse can coexist with guilt at causing that spouse pain and suffering.

Shame about letting herself down lives in Abby along with a sense of empowerment, being able to make the decision to self-support after divorce.

6. Empowerment

For some, it is a sense of powerlessness or helplessness that keeps them stuck in indecision. Some feel empowered by the decision to divorce, taking control of their own life and pursuing a path that better aligns with their goals, values, and mental health.

Abby tells me that she feels “small” in her marriage, as her husband is the breadwinner and therefore makes all family decisions. “He decides where we vacation in the summer, whether we invite people to dinner, which schools our kids attend, and even what color to paint the bathroom!”

It is her sense of insignificance that keeps her from deciding about divorce.

How you feel when you decide to divorce

7. Anger and Resentment

Anger is often a factor in deciding to divorce, whether directed toward the partner, oneself, or external circumstances. Infidelity, broken promises, unmet needs, or past injuries feed the anger.

Abby learns that her anger is masking deep hurt and pain, and in therapy, she begins to understand the sources of her anger. She brings it up in a couples counseling session and later tells me her husband either got defensive or “didn’t remember” the past hurts.

Once she has talked about it, and the anger is reduced, she finds it easier to contemplate her options. “I won’t get divorced just because I’m mad,” she says. “I want to think it through without the anger and make a thoughtful decision. A lot of people just blame, blame, blame their exes, but I want to own my part too.”

Related: 10 Ways To Overcome The End Of A Long Term Marriage

Abby ultimately decides to divorce. We discuss the different divorce options and I encourage her to look into mediation or collaborative divorce to avoid the stress and conflict of litigation.

As we talk through many of her emotions, I caution her that her feelings will ebb and flow, and come in waves, over months and even years. I want her to know that the emotional journey associated with divorce is unique to each individual, and there are no right or wrong ways to feel.

Abby’s commitment to seeking support from friends, family, or professionals such as therapists can be valuable during and after this challenging time.

© Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. 2024

Check out more of Ann Gold Buscho’s works on her blog here.


Written By Ann Gold Buscho Ph.D. 
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
the decision to divorce

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

When You Outgrow Love: What Is Grey Divorce And How To Thrive After

Divorce is never an easy decision to make. But sometimes life happens and you have to do the unimaginable. Grey divorce is one such experience that can feel like an unthinkable decision, yet, you know you just need to take the step. But what is grey divorce?

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

In life, at a certain stage we may feel that it is absolutely cru

Up Next

7 Reasons People Regret Divorce: Understanding The Post-Divorce Journey

There are many people who feel like they got a new lease of life after getting divorced, but there are also people who end up regretting divorce. But, why do some people regret getting a divorce? This article is going to focus on some of the reasons people regret divorce and what goes through their minds.

Up Next

10 Honest Reactions Of Children To Divorce

When two people divorce, we think about how they might be feeling about the breakdown of their marriage. What about the reactions of children to divorce? How does a child cope with divorce? How do children react to divorce? Let’s find out!

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

When your children experience your divorce, their reactions will vary depending on

Up Next

5 Ways To Reduce The Stigma Of Divorce

One of the worst parts of getting divorced is the stigma that comes with it; the social stigma of divorce is sometimes more painful than the actual divorce. That’s why it’s important to normalize divorce and reduce this stigma of divorce. This article is going to explore the best ways to cut back on the stigma of divorce.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Up Next

How To Date A Widower? Finding Love Again

Picking yourself up after losing a spouse is a traumatizing experience. Learning how to date a widower will allow you to provide a safe space for healing for the man you love and care for.  

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

If you’re thinking about dating a widower, it’s important to know how to handle things. It can be a tricky road to navigate, but can provide you