I’m not saying that the things that men have done to you are justified, at all. I’m sure you have felt immense pain, sadness, betrayal, and hurt at the hands of men. And I’m truly sorry for that.
But continuing on in life seeing all men as the enemy is just keeping you stuck in an old trauma response that isn’t serving you any longer.
Ultimately, if you aren’t at a time in your life where you are ready to hear that and let it in, even 5%, then there’s nothing I can do about that. You have to be willing to open your heart and let the pain start to flow through you (and make no mistake about it, there will be a pain to feel). But whether or not you open to that pain now or you choose to continue letting it simmer inside of you, that will only ever be your decision to make.
The exact reason that you have anger or hate towards men is
Because there is unfelt hurt that still lives in your body. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be the anger. Anger is a secondary emotion, and what it is most often hiding underneath is hurt and sadness.
If today is the day that you feel a bit more willing to start to let go of the anger, hurt, and sadness in your heart that you have towards men, then I really honor you for that. And I have a set of things that you can do that might just help you along in your process. You don’t have to do them all in a row… and you can even do them multiple times over the coming years if you feel so inclined (it might even be beneficial to do so).
This is the last thing I’ll say before we get into the actionable part of this piece…
A heart that is hardened with hatred is like the dry, cracked desert floor. If the desert floor is too dry, and water is applied to it, most of the water simply runs off and isn’t absorbed. But with repeated applications of water, slowly the ground softens and the water begins to be absorbed.
Related: 12 Tips To Self-Love And Compassion
In other words, you are applying love, compassion, and tenderness to these parts of your mind and heart, and in doing so, you get to progressively transition from contraction and anger to love and compassion. It is allowed to take time, and it won’t necessarily be an overnight process.
Without further delay, here are a few things that I would suggest trying out if you want to stop hating men.
1. Make a list of all of the terrible things that men have ever done to you
The first step in any healing journey is the reversal of denial, followed by ownership. In other words, reversing the denial of the fact that you still have anger/hatred towards men, and then acknowledging all of the reasons that your anger/hatred is being upheld.
Take out several pieces of paper, and physically write down all of the things that men have ever done to hurt you. All of the events, all of the terrible things they have said to you, all of the ways in which you were abused, victimized, or made to feel bad. Let it all hang out. This is not the time to hold back and/or make excuses for men.
Think and stop hating men…
I really encourage you to be as mean as possible during this step. Speak from your pain with full totality. There’s no need to include any softening statements like “But I know that he was doing the best he could with who he was at the time.” None of that. Go full, uncensored, vitriol-spewing bitch with it. “That useless fucking idiot… that spineless loser… that man-child waste of space… did XYZ to me.”
Depending on your unique history with men, this process may take some time. Once you are finished, move on to the next step.
2. Feel all of your feelings associated with those events, to the best of your ability
Having used the truth as a scalpel to open up your old wounds, now it is time to feel all of the pain, hurt, anger, and sadness that oozes out of those wounds.
For anger, try smashing a pillow on your bed or couch repeatedly (or scream into said pillow, to move your energy that way). Always make sure you do anger processing away from pets and small children, who don’t have the tools or awareness to know what you are doing. This is work best done by yourself, in a place where people won’t worry about you or the noises you make.
For sadness, try crying. Try throwing a temper tantrum and thrashing about on a bed. Try sobbing from the deepest depths of your pain. There’s energy inside you that wants to move… and you are allowed to let it.