5 Sneaky Ways A Narcissist Uses a DARVO Defense to Project Himself As A Victim

 December 01, 2018

5 Sneaky Ways A Narcissist Uses a DARVO Defense to Project Himself As A Victim



2. He’s vain

How he looks, both literally and figuratively, can be a big deal to a man with a heavy dose of narcissism. With an annoying sense of entitlement, he may spend more money on his hair and clothing than you do. And he’ll come up with a seemingly logical reason for why that’s the case.

His children are also reflections on him, so he may be super concerned about how well they do on any and every metric that can be used to compare them with others. He may pretend with friends and co-workers that you two are really in an equal partnership, or even that you’re the one wearing the pants in the family. But it doesn’t feel that way to you.

Don’t be fooled — it’s just vanity in disguise. He wants the relationship to look good to others.

 

3. He demands you do things his way

Although he asks your opinion, it seems like he must have things his way. From the kids’ bedtime to where you go out for dinner, he can become angry when you express what you want. You end up backing off, telling yourself it’s not that important.

You are astounded at the ease with which he gets people to do things for him. He always gets the upgrade when he flies, the loaner when the car is being serviced, and the lowest possible price in a negotiation. This is because people can sense that it’s more trouble to fight him than to give in. Just like you do.

 

4. He manipulates your feelings

Although you enjoy it when he buys you gifts, it seems like you can never be grateful enough or offer enough praise to satisfy him. You start to feel like an ingrate. See the reversal there?

You begin to wonder if there’s something wrong with you. Are you not adoring enough? He has always pegged you as the special woman, perfect for him (because he’s so special). Maybe you’re not so special?

Instead of feeling bad about yourself, perhaps you can see his arrogance and complete lack of empathy for your feelings.

 

5. He turns things around on you

Does he turn things around on you? The DARVO defense is rife with “what about-isms.”

There was the guy who, caught cheating on his wife, asked her, “What about you sneaking cigarettes after you told me you quit? What about your dishonesty?”

While this is a false equivalence, it can be difficult to argue the point with someone who is always right. If you present any hint of negative feedback — “I thought you were going to take out the trash” — no matter how small, the DARVO cycle begins.

“Why is the trash so important?” he responds. You have made a big deal out of nothing. You are obviously not adoring enough. You are clearly the offender here.




One comment on “5 Sneaky Ways A Narcissist Uses a DARVO Defense to Project Himself As A Victim

  1. Wait, that ” something Brett Kavanaugh did recently during his Senate Judiciary Committee hearing”? Really? Because what I saw was a man defending himself. He even said “I do not doubt that she was assaulted but it was not by me”. He also accuse those BEHIND her and NOT her. AND, since the hearing, three of the accusers have come out and admitted that they lied in their accusations.
    This may be a good article but, by inserting her own political agenda, it discredits much of what is said. Judith Tutin sees one side and is unable to listen to both and find the truth. When one side accuses, the other defends, and then the first side says ‘I lied in my accusation’, then you cannot accuse the accused unless YOU are the narcissist.
    Also note that she only accepts that men can do this in her article. That is a sign of a closed mind.
    Judith is doing the EXACT same thing she is writing about.

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