3. Becoming a rescuer
An unhealthy attachment in relationships instigates you to feel like you are losing control over yourself and also your object of attachment. Gaining control over your partner makes you feel like you are actually saving yourself of the loss (perceived).
Naturally, you will start living the life of your partner by involving yourself in everything they do. This makes you declare yourself the ‘healer’ in the relationship, who only wants the best for his/her partner. You will find yourself taking every single decision on behalf of your partner, taking charge of every trivial situation, and fixing your partner’s problems that aren’t even there.
Somehow you will always try to have an upper hand in the relationship because you know you ‘have the best interest for the relationship’. You will no longer see your partner as equals, rather as a person who endlessly needs to be ‘saved’ and ‘fixed’. This is what is usually referred to as the ‘rescuer behavior’.
4. Over concerned about the needs of the other person.
Empathetic people are rare. On the contrary, we are in need of more such people.
But does a healthy relationship need one over-concerned person? A healthy relationship needs a healthy dose of interdependence – where two people mutually receive and share each other’s warmth and care.
Emotional dependence, on the other hand, is a toxic one-way road.
Take this for instance (look at the contrast between interdependence and emotional dependence) :
Interdependence: I need your opinions while I make choices but the ultimate decision will be mine.
Emotional dependence: I will comply with whatever decisions you make for me.
Interdependence: I will be there for you through thick and thin and also wish you to be there for me when I need you.
Emotional dependence: I will unconditionally provide you with warmth, expecting absolutely nothing from you in return.
Now, being over-concerned about the other person causes both yours and your partner’s boundaries to fuse together. You forget where you end and where they start. Their needs become your needs and you start being too much bother for them to be fulfilled. Trying to meet your partner’s needs at the cost of yours is not a sign of sacrificial love.
5. Uncertainty about relationship
Here’s some bad news for you. When one or both partners in a relationship shows a pattern of unhealthy attachment in relationships, the future of such a relationship is unpredictable.
If you have an unhealthy style of attachment, you will never feel like the relationship will work out. Strings of conflicts, unresolved resentment, control, manipulation, insecurity, and lack of trust for your partner will make it a hot pot of boiling mess.
Does all of this mean that you have to completely detach yourself from your partner? Does this mean your relationship has no future? Not really.
As the pattern of your attachment in relationships has been ingrained in you since your childhood, you might find it difficult to change your mindset, but with knowledge comes a great ability to change.