3) You have trouble with intimacy.
Real intimacy, the kind that makes you feel close, relaxed, cherished, known, appreciated, loved, and accepted.
Hijackal parent, can I be loved, am I lovable, difficult people, no intimacy, pushed away- it goes along with your inability and unwillingness to trust another person fully.
It’s your vigilant wariness. Children raised by a narcissist or a Hijackal parent learn early on that they have to be vigilant, maybe even hyper-vigilant.
The Hijackal seemed unpredictable. Would you get the smiling one who thought you walked on water or the harsh one who thinks you’re a nuisance?
It depended on the hour, so you became very good at people-pleasing. Over the years, you turned yourself into both a pretzel and a doormat.
In fact, you may still be doing that in your current relationships. When you have a Hijackal parent, you are trained to do that to survive!
Intimacy requires the ability to trust. That’s hard for you.
4) You seldom feel safe.
Obviously, this goes along with the lack of trust, but it extends to your whole world. If you’re like me, you were abused at home.
That happened in the night, all in secret, and it produced opposing feelings simultaneously: you’re scared and you think the person is supposed to love you.
How can you be safe?
When raised by a narcissist, you tend to live with one eye scanning the world for predators, while the other is trying to enjoy the person or world in front of you.
Related: Daughters Of Narcissist Mothers
And, these feelings may have gone far underground. You don’t realize that they are still way down-deep, running the programs of your life.
That’s why you need to love yourself enough to get some help. These feelings can keep you from ever experiencing real love, even the honest, real love, and affection from friends.
5) You are starved for approval, approval that you can believe and accept.
A Hijackal parent is in competition with you. Because that’s true, s/he will withhold approval from you. Yes, they sometimes give it.
But, they manage to take it away immediately.”You did a great job with that. I wish you could do that with everything, but that’s hoping for too much.
“Withholding approval is a Hijackal tactic! If s/he approved of you, you’d have an edge. It would somehow make you an equal.
No Hijackal parent wants that. My mother used to say that she couldn’t say anything good about me or I would get a swelled head.
What a perfect Hijackal parent remark! She justified her unwillingness to approve of me immediately. Oh, and her friends bought it, too.
You are constantly invalidated by the Hijackal parent. Often, the other parent is silent or agrees to keep the peace. Double whammy!
That makes it very difficult for you to ever believe a compliment deep down, or to ever believe that wonderful, healthy, loving, approving person, free of Hijackal games, actually loves you.
So many of my clients have confessed that they actually looked for somewhat nasty people. They are who they believe they deserve. IT’S NOT TRUE!
Does this help you make sense of those deep-down feelings, the ones undermining your self-esteem, self-concept, and self-confidence? Those will also be the ones that damage your relationships with yourself and others.
A Hijackal parent did that to you. It’s not your fault. And, it’s not true. Learn how to replace these underlying beliefs. They are sabotaging you and your relationships. Be free to live an authentic, empowered life now.
Hijackals® is my term for the difficult, disturbing, toxic people in life, which includes narcissists, borderlines, avoidant personality disorders (like psychopath and sociopath) and histrionics.
Written by Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD If you would like more help from Dr. Shaler, subscribe to her weekly Tips for Relationships and listen to her Relationship Help Show every Wednesday at 11 am Pacific. She’s here to help you with small group consulting and private sessions.