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5 Sad, Underlying Beliefs You May Have If You Were Raised By A Difficult Parent


3) You have trouble with intimacy.

Real intimacy, the kind that makes you feel close, relaxed, cherished, known, appreciated, loved and accepted. Hijackal parent, can I be loved, am I lovable, difficult people, no intimacy, pushed away, It goes along with your inability and unwillingness to trust another person fully. It’s your vigilant wariness. Children of a Hijackal parent learn early on that they have to be vigilant, maybe even hyper-vigilant. The Hijackal seemed unpredictable. Would you get the smiling one who thought you walked on water or the harsh one who thinks you’re a nuisance? It depended on the hour, so you became very good at people-pleasing. Over the years, you turned yourself into both a pretzel and a doormat. In fact, you may still be doing that in your current relationships. When you have a Hijackal parent, you are trained to do that to survive! Intimacy requires the ability to trust. That’s hard for you.


4) You seldom feel safe.

Obviously, this goes along with the lack of trust, but it extends to your whole world. If you’re like me, you were abused at home. That happened in the night, all in secret, and it produced opposing feelings simultaneously: you’re scared and you think the person is supposed to love you. How can you be safe? You tend to live with one eye scanning the world for predators, while the other is trying to enjoy the person or world in front of you. And, these feelings may have gone far underground. You don’t realize that they are still way down-deep, running the programs of your life. That’s why you need to love yourself enough to get some help. These feelings can keep you from ever experiencing real love, even the honest, real love, and affection from friends.


5) You are starved for approval, approval that you can believe and accept.

A Hijackal parent is in competition with you. Because that’s true, s/he will withhold approval from you. Yes, they sometimes give it. But, they manage to take it away immediately.”You did a great job with that. I wish you could do that with everything, but that’s hoping for too much.

Withholding approval is a Hijackal tactic! If s/he approved of you, you’d have an edge. It would somehow make you an equal. No Hijackal parent wants that. My mother used to say that she couldn’t say anything good about me or I would get a swelled head. What a perfect Hijackal parent remark! She justified her unwillingness to approve of me immediately. Oh, and her friends bought it, too.


You are constantly invalidated by the Hijackal parent. Often, the other parent is silent or agrees to keep the peace. Double whammy! That makes it very difficult for you to ever believe a compliment deep down, or to ever believe that wonderful, healthy, loving, approving person, free of Hijackal games, actually loves you. So many of my clients have confessed that they actually looked for somewhat nasty people. They are whom they believe they deserve. IT’S NOT TRUE!

Written by Rhoberta Shaler, PhD

© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD.  When you're ready to say "No more!" to toxic relationships, unnecessary drama, and poor examples for your children to follow, work with Dr. Shaler directly now.  Subscribe to her Tips for Relationships. Listen to her podcasts for valuable insights and strategies to reclaim yourself, and create healthy relationships with yourself and others:Emotional Savvy: The Relationship Help Show, and Save Your Sanity: Help for Handling Hijackals®

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